Your Brain Needs Your Best Friend: How Friendship Supports Your Health

0:00 Jackie: Hey there, I'm Jennifer. And I'm Jackie.

0:03 Jennifer: Welcome to Slightly Unsupervised. We're best friends, business partners, and the chaos behind bestimony, a ceremony we created to celebrate the kind of soulmates who don't come with a marriage license.

0:12 Jackie: This podcast is all about friendship. The deep stuff, the messy stuff, and the laugh until you snort stuff.

0:17 Jennifer: So whether you're driving, folding laundry, or hiding in your car for some peace and quiet.

0:22 Jackie: We're so glad you're here. Let's get slightly unsupervised. Okay, today our episode is about your brain needs your best friend. Why friendship is more than just fun. We joke all the time about what happens when best friends get together. We get louder, we get we laugh harder, we act younger, we tell stories we have told a hundred times. Oh boy, we do. And somehow we leave feeling better than we did when we walked in. But what if that feeling isn't just in our heads? What if spending time with the people we feel safest with is actually doing something to us?

0:58 Jackie: Because friendship is just entertain entertainment. Social connection is tied to our stress response, our emotional well-being, our sense of belonging, and even our physical health. And I think that's especially important to women because friendship is usually one of the first things we sacrifice when life gets busy.

1:22 Jackie: We'll put off the girls' weekend because everybody needs us. We'll say, well, we'll get together soon. And six months goes by. So today we're asking a different question. What actually happens to us when we finally get together with our best friends? And could making time for friendship be far more important to our health than we've been treating it?

1:41 Jennifer: Yeah. Well, I'm first of all gonna say 100%. And I'm also gonna say that is when it says that uh a woman will put off all the girls' stuff because everything else is more important, is the first in truth. It's like the thing that, you know, is the most, I don't know, expendable. I'll deal with that later. I'll see you later or whatever. We gotta we gotta change the vibe on that a little bit, girls, because you gotta you gotta kind of make this stuff sort of a priority in your life. Um so here's some things that you know I that we're just gonna talk about.

2:17 Jennifer: Number one, I feel better after I've been with you. And honestly, 100%. I think that I always feel way better after I've had my time with you or my friends or whatever. I don't think that you know, by bypassing it, by not doing it, you're sort of giving that up. And you know, you don't get that that release, that part of your life that helps you feel better. Excuse me. And it's so it's so important. I I can't why being under all that stress and putting our lives under all that stress could actually be good for us.

2:56 Jennifer: I don't think it can. And why don't we put up prioritizing ourselves and making ourselves feel better? Because would you say that's a fair statement, Jackie? I feel better after I've been with you. Don't you think that's true?

3:09 Jackie: Yeah, it's definitely true. Yeah. I always feel better after being with my girlfriends and coming home.

3:15 Jennifer: Yeah. It's just an uplifting experience for us. Like it's important. So and then the second one is your nervous system knows who's safe. Ow. Right? Like you can be around a lot of people all the time and your nervous system is not even, I don't even know if our nervous systems, at least my nervous system, is so unheightened all the time that it it's hard for me to know when to release it, right? Because part of part of that's childhood, part of that's just the way that I am in normal. But when it's when your nervous system knows you're safe, wow, that's kind of the that's kind of a gift, isn't it?

3:52 Jennifer: That's that doesn't happen very often. Do you have many people, Jackie, that makes your nervous system release or relax and feel safe?

4:00 Jackie: No. I mean, I I mean I do with when I'm like we're we've had an episode where we talked about like being with our girlfriends, how like when I walk out that door, like I don't have any feelings when I come to meet with you guys. It's just just total release. Like my I get butterflies, you know what I mean? Right. I just know it's just gonna be fun. There isn't gonna be any stress, it's just no worries. Just I'm gonna go and just relax and not worry about a thing.

4:25 Jennifer: There's a great feeling. It's like uh, it's just like uh, like you said, it's just like knowing this is this environment is gonna be really good for me and and happy and and wow, what a gift for that. So, you know, if you have a nervous system that's out of whack, you gotta spend more time with your friends because it helps it for sure. Okay, why talking it out actually helps? There's something too, right? I mean, women do this all the time. It's like, and you just said it in your intro. You said we tell the same story a hundred times, and we're like, yeah, we do that for sure.

5:01 Jackie: We're reminded by our husbands that we do that too.

5:05 Jennifer: They get so annoyed by us. But isn't that true when talking it out actually helps? It's like you get together and we bring the same story out that we've talked about 275,000 times. No one denies what we do.

5:15 Jackie: It's a feel-good story and it makes you feel good to talk about it again.

5:19 Jennifer: Right. Or you have a new perspective. You're like, let's talk about that. I thought about this. Wow. And you get it out, and we all, and that's why women need women too. I always say this is because we are emotional creatures and we process differently than men do, and we do like a lot of choices of ways this thing can end. And so when we get to bring a story out and we have a new ending or a new possibility, or we should have done this, we should have done that, or we're talking. All of it is so good for us.

5:45 Jennifer: Like, it's like a help of a processing stuff that we get stuck on, right? So I think, you know, nobody should ever say that talking, talking it out amongst women in particular, right? That's why we have each other. Because I'm like, ooh, what are you talking about? Let's talk about it again. Like, it's funny. Okay. And then laughter isn't wasted time. No way. That is the best time. That is such a release of endorphins and also stress and you know, cracking up till you can't breathe.

6:19 Jackie: Till you pee your pants.

6:21 Jennifer: Oh, yeah, that's true. We're at that age, y'all. So uh after you have babies and your uterus gets all crazy, you gotta be careful when you're laughing too much. Cause or that time we were just like stop. Like, no, just somebody says one word. I know people have done this, and you know it's happened before. Like you're laughing so hard, and then they just say the one word, and everybody just is like, you can't breathe. You're like, oh my god, shut up. Like, I'm gonna die here. Best. Okay. And then why we feel younger, um, suddenly we're teenagers.

6:49 Jennifer: We just talked about this, but that's the part that's the best is like, oh my God, I am an irresponsible teenager again. We can do whatever we want. We're we're gonna get in trouble, but who cares? Um, isn't that the way we thought when we were 17? But we're gonna get in trouble, but you know, we we didn't we carried a little bit when we were 17 because we could lose all of our stuff, but now we're like, no, I don't care. So I think that's that's so important. Um, friends help us carry the stress again.

7:16 Jennifer: You know, your friends are more than you think, and we do more for each other than the we could throw each other things off of each other and we can vent and it's not judged.

7:27 Jackie: It's right. So it's it's a stress, it helps a lot with your best friends because they're not gonna they're not gonna judge, they're not gonna judge who you're stressing about either. If it's family, it's like, oh, you know, you've heard that a million times. It could be about your parents, it could be about your kids, it could be about your spouse, and they're not gonna sit there and h hold grudges against that other person. That's what's nice. You know, like I can tell you something about my husband, and you're not gonna go, oh, he needs to go.

7:56 Jackie: You know, like the old days when we were with the first one, but then I go in, I'm like, we can work this out.

8:01 Jennifer: We can work this out, Jackie. I got you. But we have parallel lives. Jackie and I are parallels. So, like, you know, we both did divorce, we got that. We have stepchildren, we've got that. We are a grandparent, we have that. We have boys. Jackie and I both have boys, we have that. Oh, yeah. With the headwives. Yeah, we have mothers, girlfriends that mothers or mothers. Yeah, lots of mothers. So there's a lot of conversations about mothers when we get together. So they help you carry the stress. Um, and then we borrow each other's perspective.

8:35 Jennifer: How much time, how many, how much do we do that with each other? I just named all the things that we have that are very similar to each other in our lives. And when you give me a different perspective on the way you may handle it, or my perspective on the way I would handle it, I mean, we borrow each other's perspectives, right? It's like some of the same problems we face with each other, or that you face, or I've chased paced it. You know, some of us bring knowledge, some of us bring ideas, but you know, it's good when you have somebody that just gives you a new perspective on it and you can deal with it better.

9:09 Jennifer: You didn't see it that way or you didn't think about it that way, and you're like, okay, let me look at this differently now. So super important. Um belonging matters more than we realize that um there's a deep social connection between us and that when we're together, we are we belong. You know, we have a belonging that matters, and it's we don't I I suppose we probably don't realize that that part of it is super important to us that we go back to these places that are safe and that we belong here, right, Jack?

9:43 Jennifer: Like we'll get together with our friends in a couple weeks, and you know, we belong together and it's a safe place, and there's no no one's coming in with any sort of baggage of like do you guys think I don't belong here? Yeah, I know like it's a knowing you belong here. This is this is our group, you belong here. So that's a I've never thought about that.

10:08 Jackie: That almost makes me like want to cry with happiness. You know what I mean? I've never thought about that, but that even yeah, makes me like happiness cry. Yeah. Like that I have you guys that I do belong. I never take you know, it's like I feel like I've taken advantage of that, like that I have a group that I belong to. You know what I mean? Right, right, right, right. So thanks for bringing that up because that is special that I have that.

10:34 Jennifer: It is, and you don't have to bring anything but yourself. Like there's no other person. You know what I mean? Yeah, me too.

10:42 Jackie: That does make me tear up. That is a special. Yeah, it is. I love all of you guys, and I am lucky to have that. I know I belong. I don't have any second thoughts when I go. Like, it's not like, oh, I need to do this to make sure everybody's happy with me. You know what I mean? Right. That's what belonging is. Like, I'm just going because we all belong together. We all know each love each other and want to be together.

11:01 Jennifer: Yeah, we're better we're all together. We're like a little gang, a little gang of girls that runs around and we belong together. Why this matter, why this may matter, particularly for women, uh, we talk about all the time, Jack and I do, but uh uh you need this, it's not because your husbands don't matter, it's not because relationships are your family, your kids, blah, blah, blah. It's because emotionally we need to release all this stuff that we carry, that's all the emotional heavy stuff that we carry for families and stuff.

11:33 Jennifer: So it's more important for women than I said with men. Men will get together. What does your husband do when he gets together with this guy? I would tell you what my husband does, but he just goes to a car show. But it's it's his, it's like taking his car out. I'm just like, are you taking that thing out again? I don't really quite like what do you do often?

11:52 Jackie: Shop talk. That's what I say. They just shop talk. We're like, what are you guys even talking about? Like shop talk. It's all about their cars, it's all about things they can buy parts for their stuff and oh my god, it's not new cars. It's so boring. Oh, geez.

12:11 Jennifer: That's what they do when we get together. It's like, are you talking about that girl again? Like that thing that happened? Yes. And they're like, oh my god, we told you. Just let it go. We're like, no. So exactly why women particularly need other women to do this. Why we shouldn't wait till we have time, right? Don't wait till you have time. Make time so that you have it. It's a part of your quality social connection, is just a healthy human being. And for you girls, especially, and you may be 20 and thinking, I mean, does it really matter?

12:44 Jennifer: And we'll be like, yeah, it matters. And you could be 30, be like, I don't have time. You're right, you probably don't. In your 40s, you're probably coming out of it. Maybe at the end of your 40s, you're having some time, and then we're talking about you from a 50s perspective, middle 50s.

12:57 Jackie: For me, I'm thinking off time. I've had friends that have passed now. I've had two friends that have passed, which hey, I wish I had more time with them. I'm, you know, it makes it actually we're at a uh this last week is the uh the anniversary of the death of one of them. So yeah, I wish I would have had more time. So right.

13:17 Jennifer: Yeah. Just don't take it for granted, girls. Yeah. That's all we can say. Okay, let's go into bestie rapid questions. You go first.

13:24 Jackie: Okay. Do you actually feel less stressed after we've been together?

13:28 Jennifer: Hundred percent. I like all I can deal with life again. Like that's the feeling. Like, okay, let me get back into all the stuff I need to get done. And I'm just a happier, cheerier human doing it. That's how I feel every time. So for sure.

13:43 Jackie: Yep, definitely. All the laughing and letting go.

13:46 Jennifer: Yeah. What's the quickest way I can change your mid, Jack?

13:50 Jackie: Make me laugh. Yeah, that's true. And you do. You do.

13:54 unknown: Yeah.

13:55 Jennifer: Jackie will call me sometimes and she's in a dark web of I don't know where she's at, but I'm just like, we gotta get you out of that. Let's start making fun of this situation a little bit so that you can see how this is not that big of a deal. So um it's good. It's a good thing to be able to do. You're next, Jackie.

14:14 Jackie: What does being with me give you that you don't get anywhere else?

14:19 Jennifer: Probably peace. I feel peace. I feel love. I feel happy. I feel like I just let go of a bunch of stuff that it was holding on to that I probably didn't even know I was holding on to that was lingering on me because I've laughed so much now that all that sort of has sort of dissipated and it doesn't really matter. Like heavy things are no longer heavy. They're like, oh well, I can deal with that later, kind of thing. Like, oh, it's not that big of a deal. So um it gives me so much like perspective and just happiness, like joy.

14:51 Jennifer: Joy is a great word for that, actually. Joy. Like I feel joy.

14:56 Jackie: Oh, thank you. Space of total safety where I can be my true self without any performance or fear of judgment, complete acceptance. Yeah, that's how I feel. Yeah, me too.

15:08 Jennifer: I do too. I mean, I say things that I shouldn't say anyway. So for you, it's a little you're a little more reserved in that way, which is flipped, kids, because this was not how she was when she was younger, and I was more that way. We flipped, we flipped this thing.

15:22 Jackie: So Jackie bites her tongue a lot.

15:24 Jennifer: Yeah. I'm like, oops, shouldn't have said that. Oh well, here I go. And I'm not going to.

15:29 Jackie: I tell my husband all the time, like, we'll be we'll just be somewhere with somebody, or we'll get in the car. We were just somewhere, and I'll say, I bit my tongue. I bit my tongue. I'm so proud of myself.

15:40 Jennifer: You actually have little like pep talks with your sophomore that you're doing.

15:43 Jackie: And I have to sit there in my head too, and I'm just like thinking about the whole time. So I'm probably quiet at that moment. People are like, gosh, you're so quiet.

15:49 Jennifer: It's like, I can't just so this is a cli this is a this is a classic. So this weekend I went somewhere with my husband. I went to Costco or something with my husband on Sunday. But he it's on my everlasting nerve when he drives. He drives like an old man now, and it's like scary, and it's like, so I'm on height and alert. But I I so I get snappy with him because he irritates me because he's driving this way. So we got out, we went to Costco or whatever, and we were walking around and he's asking the questions that will irritate the living Jesus out of me.

16:22 Jennifer: And I in my head, like you, I was like, be nice, be nice. He's just asking a question, just answer the question nicely. Like for sure, I was doing that this weekend with him. So I was like, for the 17,000th time, here's the answer. Like, so I get it. Like, I have got to learn to be quiet. So I'm like, I'm regulating myself now too. Jack, do you think women treat friendship like a luxury?

16:48 Jackie: Yes. I think because um a lot of them, a lot of us have been conditioned to treat it as a secondary luxury. Yeah. Um, but I think it should be a critical lifeline and not a luxury.

17:00 Jennifer: Yeah, it's a it's a it's a major player in your life, and we have to change the narrative. That's you know what my entire thing is about this, and you know, I'm gonna spend my money figuring out how to make that happen. But this is a real like vital part of a girl's life, and we should be thinking about what how your mom would talk to.

17:21 Jackie: Your mom would be like, Oh, you need to worry about that that your boyfriend before your girlfriend, you know, that type of thing is your right.

17:27 Jennifer: You know what I mean? Your friends are come and go. You're like, Yeah, my friends do come and go, but like my good friends don't come and go. Like, that's the part of them, right? So, how many women have lost the the real players in their lives, the real deep friendships they had because they didn't treat it like it was important? And it's important, y'all, especially as you get older, you're gonna need these girls. Or your friend is like, is your fun thing? You can't do that. You certainly can't go have fun.

17:50 Jennifer: This is not what we're doing right now. Life is serious, and you need to be serious, and you need to take care of all this stuff, and you need to make sure all this happens, and all these kids need to go to the baseball games, and they need to go. And the one thing that we need that really makes us feel better, we don't get to do. So I think that you know, it's it needs the narrative needs to change. Men in particular need to understand that women need their girlfriends, and we should be encouraged to go spend time with our girlfriends so that we become better wives, mothers, grandmothers.

18:22 Jennifer: Everything that we're doing that's responsible, like is part of you know, our health, and our health is better when we go see our friends. So it's it's it's backwards, it needs to change. Girl weekends, spending time with we're gonna be.

18:38 Jackie: No, we're just saying, you know, at least a couple girls' weekends or yeah.

18:44 Jennifer: Get out and listen to girlfriends. It's good for you. If anybody out there has gone out and spent time with their girlfriends and come back, felt a million times better. We invite you to write in and tell us that story and we'll tell it. We'll be like, listen, we talked about it. Here's somebody who just said the exact same thing and is proof that that is true. So we invite you to write us and tell us about uh time you went and hung out with your girlfriends and how much better you felt afterwards.

19:07 Jennifer: All right, maybe we've been looking at friendship all wrong. We treat time with our girlfriends like it's a reward we get after everything important is finished, after the work is done, after everybody else has what they need, after the house is taken care of, after the kids are handled, after life finally gives us an opening. Then maybe we'll go to lunch. Maybe we'll take a girl's trip. Maybe we'll sit on someone's porch for three hours and laugh until our stomachs hurt. But what if this thing isn't what we do after we've taken care of business?

19:37 Jennifer: What if it is part of taking care of ourselves? Because when I spend time with someone I trust, something changes. I walk in carrying 10 things and somehow walk out like I can carry them again. The problems aren't necessarily gone. My life didn't magically change. But I wasn't alone for a little while. Someone listened, someone laughed with me, someone reminded me of who I am. And sometimes someone looked at me and said, Jennifer, you're being ridiculous. And I apparently needed to hear that. Maybe that's why these relationships matter so much.

20:07 Jennifer: Our best friends don't just witness the good parts of our lives. They help us carry the heavy parts. They give us somewhere to belong, somewhere to laugh, somewhere to tell the truth, somewhere we don't have to perform. And sometimes somewhere we can put down all the roles we've carried and just be ourselves again. So stop saying you'll see her when you have time. Make the time, put the lunch on calendar, take the trip, sit on the porch, stay too long, laugh too loudly. Because friendship isn't something frivolous.

20:35 Jennifer: We squeeze into leftover spaces of our lives. Connection is part of what helps human beings thrive. Maybe it's your best friend. It's just helping you live it. If today's conversation made you think about your person, call her, text her, take her to coffee, and tell her she matters. Because some of life's greatest love stories don't come with a marriage license.

20:55 Jackie: If you enjoyed today's episode, we'd be so grateful if you'd subscribe, leave us a review, and share it with your write or die best friend.

21:03 Jennifer: Want to see some of our incredible friendships we've celebrated? Visit our Bestimony YouTube channel where women from all over the country share their stories of friendship that changed their lives.

21:12 Jackie: And if one day you'd like to celebrate your own friendship, we'd love to welcome you to Nashville.

21:17 Jennifer: Until next time, keep showing up, keep cheering each other on, keep celebrating the women who make life better. We'll see you next time on Slightly Unsupervised.

21:47 Song: Reuniting's like we've never been apart, and every single time we're out of eye and heart to heart.