Can This Friendship Be Saved? Find the Real Problem Before You Try to Fix It

0:00 Jennifer: Hey there, I'm Jennifer. And I'm Jackie. Slightly unsupervised. We're best friends, business partners, and the chaos behind testimonial ceremony we created to celebrate the kind of soulmates who don't come with a marriage license.

0:09 Jackie: This podcast is all about friendship, the deep stuff, the messy stuff, and the laugh till you snort stuff.

0:14 Jennifer: So whether you're driving, folding laundry, or hiding in your car for some peace and quiet.

0:18 Jackie: We're so glad you are here. Let's get slightly unsupervised. Okay, today can this friendship be saved, finding the real problem before you've tried to fix it. Today we're talking about something almost every woman will experience at some point in her life. A friendship that suddenly feels different. Maybe your best friend is quieter, maybe she's pulling away, maybe you're walking on eggshells, maybe you're both acting like everything's fine, but you know it isn't. The hardest part about repairing a friendship isn't apologizing.

0:44 Jackie: It's figuring out what actually broke in the first place. Because sometimes the thing you're arguing about isn't the real problem at all. Today we're talking about how to identify what's really happening before you try to fix it.

0:56 Jennifer: Yeah. So I think this is where most of us go wrong. We simply jump into trying to solve the problem that lies between us well before we actually know what we're solving. I think as women, we do that quite often. We just did a segment where we do this creative narrative where we make up these things that have happened in relationships and we do try to fix things, but without really solving what we're fixing, right? So you could have a bad breakup with a friendship or you could have a fight with a friend and maybe you just go forward and you never solve it, and it gets brought up again, it repeats.

1:31 Jennifer: So you gotta at some point dig past the past the solution and get to the root of it and try to really change the behavior or change the narrative on that the the actual problem needs to be addressed, right? So I can think of things that I've had then in a friendship Jackie that, you know, we never solved the actual problem and it's because we never addressed it was like we're afraid to address the problem on it. But like somebody I had in my life that was really very threatened by me having other friends and you know, just trying to keep me from being with my friends was the solution.

2:07 Jennifer: If you just don't hang out with those people, then we won't have any more problems. And for me, the problem really was that you wouldn't allow me to have other friends, right? That was the main problem. But the solution was all these other things. Well, we're not gonna go there and we're gonna, I'm gonna, you know, dictate your time over here, or you're gonna spend it with me, or we're gonna spend the night over there. We're not gonna go over there. They're always trying to solve the problem of me, which was really that it she didn't want me to have any other friends.

2:33 Jennifer: So it didn't work out in the long run because we never actually addressed that problem. She never said I am threatened by the people that you're hanging out with or that I don't want you to be friends with somebody. I just I'm gonna make all this other commotion about something else, and then you will fail at doing that for me, and then I will blame you for the end of our friendship, which was totally unfair. Do you have any kind of thoughts on that? How somebody that's done that to you, Jackie, that kind of turned it into other things rather than just addressing the issue that they were really having with you?

3:05 Jackie: But maybe someone that was just always talking behind my back that instead of I don't know why why they did, and then other people coming and telling me. So it's like obviously we had some kind of issue that I didn't know about. Right. Because why would as a friend you don't talk behind someone's back? Right. And and negative things. Right. But it's my face, you're acting like you're my really good friend. You're there to support me and help me and do these things, but then to other people and and people that aren't even my friends, you know, they're people I was working with and and saying very not good things, like, oh, you don't need to pay her a lot.

3:38 Jackie: She's got money, you know. Right. Things like that. Like, how are you helping me as a friend? Like, no, I'm a single mother. Even I'm uh because I'm collecting money, that money's going to my sons. That's not my money. Right. Every penny I got from my my ex-husband was for my children. That was not for me as in my my head. And maybe to her, oh no, that's she's getting money. She's getting a lot of money. That's you know, that's she's getting right, that's enough to live on. Well, no, I was saving also for my children because in the long run, eventually I wouldn't be getting that money anymore.

4:07 Jackie: So I needed to save that for later for my children also. You know what I mean?

4:11 Jennifer: Yeah.

4:12 Jackie: Um, so there's lots of things that that I would find out about that she would say to other people.

4:17 Jennifer: I think what her I think what the heart of that one was is that I'm jealous that you have this this money coming in or whatever. Like what what do you think the core of the problem was there? Was just a jealousy of having had somebody in your life that was able to take care of you and that she didn't have that? Like, why would the what would her real yeah maybe what what is the problem there?

4:42 Jackie: Like, cause it it's like she didn't want me to be happy. I was dating, I wasn't it with just one person. I I hadn't been with a man since I was 18 years old. I was like, hey, I've divorced, I had two children, I'm gonna date. I hadn't done that. Right. I mean, you know that. I never really dated.

4:59 Jennifer: No, you didn't. We have to do that. I'm gonna date.

5:01 Jackie: And I was up front with these men, these men, and if they wanted something more, but she didn't need to jump in and say that I was going out with other people. Like it's like, hey, that's none of your business. It's just like, well, I mean, I could be up front with them if they asked me, but I'm d I didn't not say that I wasn't dating other people. So like my husband, he actually asked me, you know, can we just be me and you? Can we and we like I liked him enough. Yeah, I liked him enough where I'm like, you know what?

5:29 Jackie: I am ready to, yes, you are the person that I think is my my end here. Yes. Right. I see a future with you. And he saw through her. So good. Yeah. So that was lucky. But but I had a lot of people, people that like I said, like of someone I worked with, she had no reason to talk to her. Just and other friends, other really good friends of ours. And she'd say, You don't want to she's like, I'm not gonna tell you what she says about you, but she's not your friend. She's she's not. Right. And you know who that friend is that would say things to me.

5:58 Jackie: I know.

5:58 Jennifer: And because people are looking out for you. Yeah, but that's like, what is the actual problem?

6:04 Jackie: Like, what are we Yeah, and I think that friend, I think you say that I think she's just jealous of you. And I'm like, jealous, I'm gonna divorce and everything else. And she's all well, she's one of those people that throw had lives in glass house and her house her family isn't perfect, so you know, she's gotta kind of make it right, right, right, right.

6:21 Jennifer: Make your life your miserable. Don't look over here, let's look over there. Look at what she's doing. She's having a this, that, and the other. And let's keep the focus onto something else. So yeah. I think you know, I think there's some questions you can ask. And I think that if you're trying to solve something that you don't know the problem, that you should find out the problem if it's worth saving, right? So it's like, did something happen? That was not worth saving. In Jackie's case, yes. But if you have one that's worth saving, did something happen?

6:51 Jennifer: These are questions you can ask, did something happen? Did I say something? Has life changed for you? You have to get to the core of the problem if you want to fix the problem, right? So you have to dig into that a little bit and fix it. Now you can go round and around trying to solve a problem, but you can't fix it until you know what the actual problem is. We do that a lot as women, right? We're we're primed as women to solve the problem without fixing the issue. There's a lot of pressure on us to solve everything, all the problems going on.

7:21 Jennifer: So we we didn't even know the problem. We just had to solve it. So, anyways, I think that you know, sit down, have lunch, really dig deep, try to find the problem, because if you can solve the problem, the issues will go away. Um, I can't reiterate that enough. If you can solve the problem, if you can sit down, if I could have sit down with this person that I was having an issue with and said, I need you to understand that I love you, but I have other people that I love too, and I'm gonna be friends with other people.

7:47 Jennifer: And I need you to be okay with that. And if I had really thought that that could have been done, and I think we had some conversations where I really decided that that could not be the case, I could have maybe solved that relationship if two people had come together and really sat down and had a heart-to-heart chat about it. So you have to decide if that person is even able to do so. I was in a situation with somebody, I don't think it was capable for her to really get to the problem and talk about the problem.

8:14 Jennifer: We just were solving, making other problems and not even addressing it. And I think in your case too, Jackie, we were you're having a lot of issues with a lot of things, but it was really just not at the core of the problem. The problem was it was different and it wasn't something that she wanted to fix. And in the end, what happened? You didn't want to fix it either, right? You'd had you finally wised up to it. So get to the problem, figure out the problem, see if you can solve the problem, if you think there's some time, do it.

8:41 Jennifer: But you cannot fix it if you're just dealing with the symptoms. You have to deal with the actual problem of whatever it is, and you gotta have some bravery in getting to the problem. And it's gonna maybe hurt your feelings. And if you love somebody enough, you're just gonna have to take the hit because there's only one way to do it is to go through the the process of figuring out the problem. Again, we have some history, you know, where we don't have good successes at that, but then we have some good history, right, Jack?

9:08 Jennifer: We got we had our issues, we had our problems, we kind of dealt with them, we moved on. It can be done, you can save a friendship. I wanna be hopeful in that, but you have to do some real digging and the digging part of it can be painful, right? So just figure out what it is you want to do. All right, let's go to busted rapid questions, Jack.

9:29 Jackie: Okay. What's the first sign you know something feels off in a friendship? I think it's a shift in energy.

9:37 Jennifer: That's a good thing.

9:38 Jackie: Forced conversation. This is nowadays, delayed responses like texes, you know, text messages, maybe phone calls back and forth.

9:47 Jennifer: Right. Short text, like response real fast without any real like And you can't always read that because like you have a short text because you're working. Right, right. But so maybe that But like if it was like two or three days, because Jackie can also see my schedule. That's the other nice thing about my life. She can go right to my schedule on her computer and see my schedule so she knows.

10:08 Jackie: Oh, she's busy right now, that's why she didn't really answer me.

10:12 Jennifer: That's the beauty of it, right? You know, your best friend working with you, you can see my schedule so she knows. But yeah, or you know, it's it's not a good time and you go, Oh, I I got it, we're good. I'll hit you up next week or tomorrow or whatever. And if it's still the still the same short response two or three times, you're probably like, okay.

10:32 Jackie: I guess one sided effort. I have that. Oh, here's one that's me. You feel anxious before talking instead of excited. Yeah. Like, I get anxious when I'm when I'm like kind of done. Cause I would get anxious when I would talk to like the person we were talking about. Right. Like you've read it. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It was just like, I don't even like it. I'd see her foot calling me and it's like, oh, I just don't want to talk to her. Right. Even nowadays, like she's reached out a few times and it's like, or text, it's like, I don't even want to read your text.

11:02 Jackie: Like, what? Like, I we don't, we're not friends anymore. Like it's just there's just no saving it. At this point, it was we had a chance and she just didn't it wasn't gonna work. I knew it. Right because I know there's no changing at this point, she's not going to change.

11:16 Jennifer: Right. So I think you had to recognize that.

11:19 Jackie: The person you're in touch with.

11:21 Jennifer: Yeah.

11:22 Jackie: Because I kept trying, but yeah, I knew it and it wasn't gonna happen.

11:25 Jennifer: Yeah. Okay. What's one friendship you've learned the most from?

11:29 Jackie: I learned a lot from a lot of friendships. I think friendships that have been good and friendships that have been bad. I've taken from both.

11:35 Jennifer: Yeah.

11:36 Jackie: So take from both.

11:37 Jennifer: Yeah. I think both have a lot to teach you. And a lot of times I think we are mistaken that we're supposed to be friends with everybody we've ever met. And sometimes they're just there to teach you a lesson. And you learn the lesson. You need the lesson for life. You need it for future relationships or the deal with life in a certain way. And that was the reason they were around. And you have to give that, you don't you can't you don't have to make that the worst thing that's ever happened to you.

12:02 Jennifer: Sometimes friendships come and friendships go because the lesson has been learned and you needed the lesson, and they came to teach you, and they're moving on with their life, and you move on with yours. So I know one of the weirdest things I think is when everybody's so down and out on people because they did this and I was never friends with them, and you can't be friends, you can't trust anybody. No, no, no, no, no. You're missing the point of the friendship sometimes. Sometimes a friendship is to change you or to put you down a different path or to teach you a lesson you need.

12:31 Jennifer: And you should still be thankful you had those relationships. I'm still thankful I had a relationship with the person I've been talking about because I learned some things and I had some beautiful lessons in that. And I also had some really great times. And I am sure you can say the same thing about the person you're talking about, right?

12:50 Jackie: Exactly.

12:50 Jennifer: Exactly.

12:51 unknown: Yeah.

12:52 Jackie: We're just making examples of the what that I went through. Right. But yeah, there were good times too, obviously, because I wouldn't have stayed as long as I did, obviously.

13:01 Jennifer: Obviously. And they taught you something you needed.

13:04 Jackie: Mm-hmm. Exactly.

13:06 Jennifer: So be thankful for the lesson, not necessarily the end. Like we get too wrapped up that every person that should be committed to being our friend for life. Nope. That's not how that works. So same thing with love. Love is the same way. Not everybody comes in and love you for the rest of your life. Sometimes they're just lessons.

13:22 Jackie: So okay, go what's the what's the biggest mistake people make when trying to repair friendships? I got one. Okay, go. Focuses focusing on being right instead of reconciling. Yeah. Like you were saying, though, but I was right.

13:38 SPEAKER_02: I was right, and you were wrong. And this is my narrative in my little head going on.

13:43 Jennifer: But yeah, I think that you go into when you try to repair is for them. This is big for girls. So listen, girls, the biggest mistake you make is when you try to repair a friendship and you expect the other person to admit what they did was wrong, and they're that they're sorry for it. Because most of the time they have their own set of circumstances, and your little narrative that you ran through your head isn't what happened to them on that side. So you can't expect somebody to just be like, well, I'm so thankful you reached out.

14:14 Jennifer: I'm so sorry. Everything was my fault, and I apologize. Never gonna happen, right? Never. Not a true friendship, not one that's based on mutual love and respect.

14:24 Jackie: So some other examples like defensive apologizing, like you say, I'm sorry, but yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't use that butt. Don't ever use the butt, ignoring the root cause. Like you just kind of like just let it go. You're just like, whatever. Let's you don't write it. Rushing the timeline. Yeah, you're trying to rush it through. Um, what else? Trying to do it over text. You can't just do it over text. If it's a big fight, don't rely on text messages, people. That's not gonna work. Yeah.

14:54 Jennifer: You need the you need the communication with each other. I mean, I run a business and I do a lot of texting because the new generation likes to text. And then, you know, I have a narrative in my head. It's interesting. I have a narrative in my head about how what these people sound like in life, right? They're short, they're quick, they're whatever. And it's like, well, I'm probably, you know, wouldn't like this person. And then I talk to them on the phone. I'm like, oh hey, and we're like best friends.

15:16 Jennifer: So it is totally texting can totally make something, it runs a lot of your narrative is in that texting because you're making the creation, you're the tone, the what you're trying to say, how it came across. And, you know, you can create a lot of narratives in that. And then you get on the phone, you're like, oh my gosh, you're so nice. Well, that's not how you text. That's not how you text. Your texting doesn't match your personality. I'm just letting you know. You should use more emojis. Use happy emojis and like, you know, shiny emojis.

15:49 Jennifer: So all right, Jackie. Can every friendship be repaired?

15:53 Jackie: No. We talked about it. Not when in case uh one has checked out.

15:59 SPEAKER_01: Yeah.

16:00 Jackie: And hurtful patterns a relationship causes ongoing anxiety, manipulation, or emotional harm.

16:06 Jennifer: Yeah. You were just talking about that. The anxiety of being with somebody is a good sign that you may have run your course with them because they're not they're not safe anymore, right? You don't feel safe about that your j your trust is kind of gone out of the situation. So I definitely agree with you on that.

16:23 Jackie: Yeah, definitely. Okay, when do you know it's time to stop trying?

16:27 Jennifer: I think you just know. I think you run if you try, if you try and you try again, or you try to come at it a different way, or you try to change it. I don't think one try is enough. I think you give it a couple times to see if there's some way that you can repair that. I think if you just find that the person on the other side of the problem or the issue that you're having is dead sent on not changing, they want you just to accept their terms is a really, at least in my case, was a really good indication that we were never gonna be able to solve it because there was no balance.

17:05 Jennifer: It was all do what I want you to do, or we can't be friends. And I think I went through that a few times in a three different situations with this person. And at some point I just said, it's time to stop trying. We're making a bigger mess of it. I'd rather leave it where it's at and enjoy, remember the good parts of it and not kill it by you know going at it a hundred different ways. You want me just to change and I don't want to change, so we're not gonna get to that. How about you just give it to you?

17:31 Jackie: When interacting consistently leaves you exhausted rather than fulfilled for sure. Yeah. And then after you're done, if you feel lighter and happier when they're gone, you know it was time.

17:41 Jennifer: Right. Right. It's a good indication that you made the right decision.

17:45 Jackie: So exactly.

17:46 Jennifer: How you go about it is really, you know, will tell you a lot of things. So keep trying. If you really are trying to repair a friendship, give it more than one shot. And if you are really left with feeling better afterwards, then you probably know you made the right decision on it. So okay. Yep. I think one of the biggest lessons friendship has taught me is the most broken friendships don't begin with one big explosion. They begin with little things that never get talked about. A misunderstanding, a disappointment, a season where life gets busy, an assumption that quietly grows into distance.

18:16 Jennifer: If a friendship matters, don't wait until the years have passed. Be brave enough to ask the question, what have I done? Are we okay? Sometimes you'll discover the problem wasn't what you thought at all. Sometimes you'll realize there wasn't a problem. Only two women carrying heavy lives who stop talking. And sometimes you'll discover the friendship had simply reached the end of its chapter. Whatever the answer, you'll have something even more valuable than certainty. You'll have peace. Because healthy friendships aren't built on never-ending conflict.

18:43 Jennifer: They're built on having the courage to face it together. If this conversation made you think of your person, call her, text her, take her to coffee, and tell her she matters because some of life's greatest love stories don't come with a marriage license.

18:54 Jackie: If you enjoyed today's episode, we'd be so grateful if you'd subscribe, leave us a review, and share it with your ride or die best friend.

19:00 Jennifer: Want to see some of our incredible friendships we've celebrated? Visit our Bestimony YouTube channel where women from all over the country share their stories of the friendship that changed our lives.

19:09 Jackie: If one day you'd like to celebrate with your own friendship, we'd love to welcome you to Nashville.

19:14 Jennifer: Until next time, keep showing up, keep cheering each other on, keep celebrating the women who make life better. We'll see you next time on Slightly Unsupervised.

19:35 Song: We stick together ride or die to the moon, and no amount of space could ever come between us two. Reuniting's like we never been apart, and every single time we add an eye and heart to heart.