Why We Go Silent When a Friend Hurts Us | Female Friendship & the Silent Treatment

0:00 Jackie: Hey there, I'm Jennifer. And I'm Jackie, and welcome to Slightly Unsupervised. We're best friends, business partners, and the chaos behind Bestimony. A ceremony we created to celebrate the kind of soil mites who don't come with a marriage license. This podcast is all about friendship, the deep stuff, the messy stuff, and the laugh until you snort stuff. So whether you're driving, folding laundry, or hiding in your car for a little peace and quiet, we're so glad you're here. Let's get slightly unsupervised.

0:25 Jackie: Okay, today's episode is about protective silence, the conversation that quietly quietly end friendships. Have you ever had your feelings hurt by a friend and said nothing? Not because it didn't matter, but because the friendship mattered so much. Today we're talking about something called protective silence. It's what happens when we keep our thoughts, hurts, disappointments, and questions to ourselves because we're trying to protect the relationship. The problem is sometimes the very silence we think is protecting a friendship is slowly pulling it apart.

0:54 Jackie: Today we're asking why women do this, why it's so common in female friendships, and what happens when we finally choose courage over silence.

1:02 SPEAKER_01: I don't think most friendships end because of one terrible fight. I think they slowly fade because nobody says the hard thing. One of the things that there is the protective silence, and then there's the silent treatment. And us girls, we are masters at it. I personally have got a master's in this. I'm working on my doctorate, but I am definitely a advanced in the silent treatment mode. Heavy in the reromantic relationship, use it often sometimes in my friendship relationships. How do you use the silent treatment mode, Jack?

1:39 SPEAKER_01: Are you a are you a you have your master's in it?

1:41 Jackie: Or how do you sure actually I don't use as much anymore. I just use the word fine. Fine. Everything's fine. Fine. My husband said it's a bad word.

1:52 SPEAKER_01: Fine means that's not fine.

1:53 Jackie: It's the F word. It's the F word. He's like, okay, there's that F word.

2:01 SPEAKER_01: That's my silence. I was just with somebody on a trip and I wanted to go. It was hot and they wanted to stay and eat. And we spent like two hours waiting. I finally got mad because I was like, it didn't take another half an hour to get our food. I was just pissed off. I wanted to go home. And that's why I left. Got in my car and not in my car, got on Doomedover. Well, home anyways. The next morning and we had to get up. We were driving home. Also I was dead silent. I'm just giving you, I've not evolved that much in this.

2:30 SPEAKER_01: But that's my protective. I'm not speaking to you. You've done something so horrible. I will never speak to you again. And when I get out of this car, when I get home, I'm never talking to you again. That's the scenario in my head. That's we just talked about making up the scenarios. These are not my best friends I was with. There's somebody. But I was like, how rude of you to make me wait for two and a half hours in the heat and not have any compassion that I've done and I'm ready to go home. So I'm just giving you because you get hangry.

2:56 SPEAKER_01: You do get hangry. Two and a half hours in the heat.

2:59 Jackie: I know, I know, I know you. Can you imagine the food? No. I climbed a mountain with you and you only had half a sandwich and you were very upset. You got very hot and it was you didn't have enough to eat and you are not happy. Yes.

3:13 SPEAKER_01: These are things that are problems for me. My hot my feet get hot. I don't even know if anybody else has that problem, but my feet get so hot sometimes that I have to tear my shoes off, my socks, and like stick them in something cold, or I'm going to have a heart attack. Like it's that bad. So I have my own issues. But does she wear it quite a bit? I do, because my feet, then they're free, right? They're not heat. So it's really more than just flip-flops. It actually keeps my feet from being hot.

3:40 SPEAKER_01: So, anyways, the protective silence. You do it, I do it. Every girl does it. Let's be honest about it. I don't know anybody who's involved that much. But why? Why do we do it? Is the question, Jackie. Why do we do that? Who started this? Was it you? No.

3:55 Jackie: Did you decide that women would just remain silent? I think we lived when we were younger. I used to do it to my parents. I'd get upset and I'd just be quiet. I'd just walk around the house and sulk.

4:06 SPEAKER_01: Right. And they would know, right? Yeah.

4:09 Jackie: They would know something was wrong. And then I'd get my way. They'd end up giving it. So I think that's how I learned, right?

4:15 SPEAKER_01: Mapulation. If you're just pissed off enough and you don't talk to anybody, you'll get what you want. So that's true. That's probably how we all learn it, right? It's like sometimes we're just silent though because we're trying to keep the peaks too, right? Like she's in a fine mood today. Yeah, I'm just gonna be quiet over here. Do you do that? I do that. That's true.

4:36 Jackie: Yeah.

4:37 SPEAKER_01: Or like she's upset about something today, or she's just had a fight with somebody, and I'm just sitting there with her. I'm not saying nothing because I don't want to upset her anymore.

4:45 Jackie: So I think we're you say the wrong thing, yeah.

4:49 SPEAKER_01: So we just be quiet. Yeah, to be quiet. So it can cause problems on its own. So I think for us rules, the silent treatment has been utilized by everybody. And I don't know if it works that well in friendships when you have the silent treatment because it can hurts people's feelings, but also makes them wonder what happened, and can then we create the scenarios, right? That's what happens. Like, well, it's not my fault that that happened, you know what I mean? Like you can get yourself backed into this pretty good.

5:20 SPEAKER_01: So I think it's okay to be quiet for a while, but I think you have to come to terms with the fact that you need to have a conversation. If I was just silent, that's just post-send a scenario, Jack. If I was in like going somewhere and I got in the car and I was just silent, what is the what is your thought process? Like, how do you get me to talk, or do you just let me be? Like, what are you thinking in your head?

5:40 Jackie: I'd probably let you be, but you know me, I start talking and asking questions. Not about what whatever you're mad at. I just try to change the subject, like talk about something else. Try to go on to something else. Like, oh, we need to make those shirts. Well, have we done this? You know what I mean? Yeah. I totally get onto something else to get your own.

6:00 SPEAKER_01: Which we talked about, like divert, divert to something else when they're in a bad mood, get them out of that environment when they're thinking of something, try to divert to a different situation so that it gives people space. I use humor too. I try to make you laugh. So Right. Right. Or I would too. If you were if you were quiet, I would probably be like, okay, you doing okay over there. Like, you know what I mean? I'd kind of like kind of get you like, I know you're kind of upset about something, so we want to talk about it.

6:28 SPEAKER_01: And but I probably would do it in a way just like I said, like oop you, okay over there, like to the fact that you would, if you're really angry, you would still stay angry and not talk to me. And I would know. Or you would just be like, shut up, like, you know, or whatever, like so that we could talk about it, or we could laugh about it, and we could move on. So there's definitely ways to kind of get people to move beyond it. The key is to not stay in it too long, right? So silent treatment day one, a few hours, whatever.

6:57 SPEAKER_01: That's just a pissy mood and we'll move on. If it continues on though. If you know the silent treatment just is a silent treatment, that's when you value starting to be able to do that.

7:05 Jackie: Yeah, silent treatment shouldn't last long. If you're letting it last more than yeah, an hour or so, that's a bit much. It's a bit much, yeah. Right. Especially if you're, you know, spending time together, hello, with your friend. Right. That's you're wasting time out of your day. Come on. We only have so much time together these days. So just get over it, figure it out, talk to each other, find out what's going on and and fix it. Right.

7:31 SPEAKER_01: Well, I was saying when I was mad, the scenario I gave you earlier where she made me stay in the hot and didn't feed me. I got up and I was prepared to spend the rest of the seven, no, ten and a half hour drive not speaking to her. So that's crazy. Then a phone call came in and we were forced to speak to each other because the phone call pertained to both of us, and I had taken the call. So that's how we kind of moved beyond it. Was like, so now we're talking, and it's like, oh, okay, you're not such a monster.

7:58 SPEAKER_01: That's kind of what happens, right? Like Jen. And just be honest. You didn't feed me, bitch. You're such a witch. Oh how dare you? I could have starved you death. You're trying to kill me. Well, I'm just telling you what happened. So why did you so you went to bed and everything and didn't talk? No. I didn't eat.

8:20 Jackie: Why did you just say I didn't eat because they tried to kill me? My goodness.

8:25 SPEAKER_01: That's just the problem. You have the car, you held me captive, then didn't feed me. Now I'm really mad because I have to eat. So, anyways.

8:34 SPEAKER_01: So, anyways, I'm just saying that we do it. We have not evolved that much. And even though we know we do it, how do we get out of it? I know how to get into it. I know how to get real silent real quick. It's getting out of the silence that is the key to success, right? How to move out of silence into conversation again. So I think Thank goodness.

8:56 Jackie: So I haven't done that. You haven't done that to me.

8:59 SPEAKER_01: No.

9:01 Jackie: But I know better, so that is the difference.

9:04 SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's true. Well, you would probably poke at me. She didn't know me well enough. So you should just, you know, try the thing. I guess you could say, are we okay in the instance that I just had when I was mad? Are we okay? Probably would have not landed so well with me. I think that in the case where I was in, if this happens to you and the person's being mad, is that you need to acknowledge what happened. Like the best thing to do when maybe you've made somebody bad and you know the reason they're pissy or they're mad at you is just to acknowledge it and possibly just say, I'm sorry.

9:38 SPEAKER_01: I probably shouldn't have done that. That could have probably ended all of it. But this person was stuck in, you know, it's your fault you left, and I was stuck in, it's my fault, I had to leave because you wouldn't take me to where I wanted to go. So we got into like a jam. So had she just said, and I know that sounds ridiculous, I'm sorry, I should have probably taken you home, that would have ended it because I had nothing to apologize for. Like I was patient for two and a half hours in the heat to eat, and it was like, that's enough.

10:08 SPEAKER_01: So in my mind, there's no reason for me to apologize. I didn't do anything. I had to go home and not eat. So do you know what I'm saying? Like in that instance, do you think if somebody would have said, I'm sorry, I should have taken you, like it could have ended it pretty quickly. It's not like you're really like dying back.

10:22 Jackie: I never I never would have had the point where you would have gone home in an Uber. I would have been taken care of before that.

10:28 unknown: Right.

10:28 SPEAKER_01: Right.

10:29 Jackie: I also wouldn't have waited that long to go eat.

10:32 SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Like, it wasn't like the most ridiculous thing that I got mad about because it was like a long time. And I was like, I need to go. Like, this is enough. It's hot, and we're sitting in the baking in the sun, and for a restaurant that's so busy that it doesn't have time to, you know what I mean? Like, yeah, definitely.

10:50 Jackie: No, no restaurants worth that wait.

10:52 SPEAKER_01: Right. No, not that. So the best way to do them is not get in that situation, be like, okay, and we'll do you want to just grab something, we'll just get something on the way home. It's hot, I agree, or whatever would be the actual way to probably have solved that problem. But we got ourselves into a situation and we had to take a phone call, and that's how we kind of broke that up. But we do it, girls do it. Here's the ways you can help each other. Notice when you're creating stories instead of a gathering in the facts, separate your feelings from the assumptions, ask gentle questions.

11:18 SPEAKER_01: Gentle, Jack, instead of making accusations. Is that gentle? Like, do you say it gently? Or what's a gentle question? What's a gentle question?

11:29 Jackie: I think if you'd start gentle, you know, I don't even know how to ask a question gently, like it just sounds so weird. Sounds passive aggressive to me, though. You'd think I'd be able to do it.

11:45 SPEAKER_01: It's so passive aggressive. I'm like, shut up and be gentle.

11:48 Jackie: Don't you think we should go eat somewhere else, bitch? Can you not see the sweat coming down my head and through my shirt?

12:00 SPEAKER_01: When I dine of eat, like, do you see that I need to eat? I'm dying here. So, anyways, you might want to research what a gentle question is. I need not feed a good summer for this in person.

12:13 Jackie: Is it the way you talk? Is it the way you ask? Um I'm not sure. We don't have it. Is it the way you ask it? Do you not call her a name? Is that what it is?

12:24 SPEAKER_01: Meety key. I don't know. We don't call each other nicknames, so that's you know I don't know. Look up gentle questions if they need to help you. Don't wait six months to bring something up. Assume good intentions first, give friends a chance to explain. Be brave enough to be honest. And remember, silence doesn't always protect it.

12:43 Jackie: Huh? But if you're waiting six months, then you're definitely been sitting and sitting on this for a while. You're gonna I mean you're not a happy person and you're just like flustered. Can you figure? Um six months if I've been thinking about it that long. Oh my god.

13:00 SPEAKER_01: In six months, a little tiny you didn't feed me in the heat has turned into this huge.

13:07 Jackie: Your head is just like if you're still in the bottom has been dropped. Man, you're gonna go off in that six months.

13:14 SPEAKER_01: Right? You fortunately weight.

13:17 Jackie: Yeah. That's like me, like the and I was in an accident, remember when when we were, you know, what 18, no, 17, something like that. And like I never saw the person again until years later. And I'm telling you, I dwelled on that because it even went to my she was supposed to pay for my insurance or for the hospital bill and never did. Well, I didn't know till I went to buy a house. So by the time I saw her, you know I was blowing up.

13:45 SPEAKER_01: It was an atomic bomb.

13:47 Jackie: It was an atomic bomb, so I know that feeling. But I had a right. That's one that you can sit and flo sit on think about for many years because that affected my life. It did. It affected the way you spent your money, how you got your money. Yeah. Yeah. Having a note done, a special everything just to buy a free and it was something I didn't know about. I would have taken care of ahead of time.

14:10 SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean? Right. Yeah. We don't know anything about anything.

14:14 Jackie: I mean, no, but yeah, I sat on that for months and years. Years, Jack. Years. Years, yes.

14:23 SPEAKER_01: Pretty sure it's like 30 years you're trying to go on that. Chucky was pissed still. So anyway. Yeah. All right. Let's go to the bestie rapid questions. Oh. Do you do you avoid confrontation or address it quickly, Joffrey? Now, as an evolved adult.

14:39 Jackie: Do you avoid confrontation? Avoid, but should I still try to avoid, but I should address. Because I fear it. You know what I mean? But I think I address more. You know, counseling helps me.

14:54 SPEAKER_01: Right. Exactly. But it also helps the process, which helps you internally, not live with this stuff.

15:01 Jackie: So because I'm a person that keeps a lot inside. I don't like confrontation. Um and I want to make everybody happy. So yeah. So I And making everybody happy essentially makes you miserable, right? So yeah, and and I have to stay away from the silent treatment, which I like to get. I don't want the confrontation.

15:23 SPEAKER_01: It's all a cycle. It's a cycle. I have a cycle. So do I, Dad? So do I. So I'm getting though. How do I know when something's bothering you?

15:36 Jackie: Bothering me? No. Oh, I I wrote down what bothers you.

15:40 SPEAKER_01: No, and I would answer it that way. How do you know when something's bothering me? I know.

15:45 Jackie: But I want to say what I know what bothers you. Okay, go ahead. Your tone, you get short and snippy, which I love the word snippy because my kids thought I made that up one day because one of them was being snippy when they were younger. And they're like, Mom, that's not a word. I'm like, yes, it is. Yes, it is. Quiet and not talkative. You give the silent treatment. It's so funny that I you just told that story from and I didn't even know about that story. Right. That's that's you. That's me. You'll know I'm bothering you.

16:14 Jackie: You'll know. It's short and quiet. Yep.

16:17 SPEAKER_01: Yep. Yeah. I do.

16:18 Jackie: And you're like one one word answers. Your one word answers. Yeah.

16:24 SPEAKER_01: Right?

16:25 Jackie: So I'm like, all right, let's go on to something else. She's gonna get over this, whatever's bugging her right now.

16:31 SPEAKER_01: Because that's you know, you know, like and you're in a good friendship.

16:38 Jackie: And that's when you're stressed out and you got something else on your mind, like even work stuff, you do that. And I and I know it. I'm with you. And I'm just like, okay, let her figure out what she's doing, and you know, and we'll start doing something else, get on something else, and then you're fine. Right. Because that's me.

16:53 SPEAKER_01: That's the part of like being friends, really friends with somebody is realizing that's the behavior and that the behavior moves on and everything. You don't get yourself so sideways on it because it's not directed at you, it's directed internally at myself. Something's going on, and I have to process it to move past it. So which is good.

17:12 Jackie: It's good I know you like that because my if this was years ago or something, it probably would sit there and I'd dwell on it and it would bug me and I'd be like trying to fix it. And it's like I'm like, I don't need to fix this, she's gonna be fine. Right. Which that's just big for me because I it I used to not be like that. I would sit and dwell and work myself up trying to make people happy, try to figure out how to fix something because they're giving me the silent treatment. You know what I mean?

17:37 Jackie: Right. And I don't I don't do that anymore. Well, I'm there's times I still do. I I catch myself, but I'm learning not to do that. That's this is their thing. But if it's something I think it's my fault, then I'll I'll try to help, you know, like what's going on.

17:52 SPEAKER_01: Let me ask you this because it's my mom gives a silent treatment. She gave me silent treatment as a child. I'm pretty sure that my voice definitely resonates from the childhood of being constantly in trouble. And the silent treatment was how that was directed at me. So I'm pretty sure that the reason I live in the silent treatment is really a learned behavior. That's how we that's how we communicated, I guess, with each other. My mom just was in the silent treatment, you know, talking to her. My mom still does it, still to this day.

18:24 SPEAKER_01: So it is up to me, I guess, from a generational thing to break it. I don't know that it's gonna happen. Hopefully my children do better with it, but my children are boys, so I think they'll be okay. They'll they don't really care. So they don't really use it, right? So I'd like to say that I'm evolved enough to end it. I don't know if that's necessarily true because it's the it's the coping mechanism I've learned and it's so far it's how I process, right? So, anyways, okay what uh okay, here's these questions are for you, Jack.

18:53 SPEAKER_01: How do you know when it's time to speak up? How do you know when it's time to speak up?

18:57 Jackie: I think when it's it's going on too long. Yeah. When's you know what I mean? When you like you think there's definitely something wrong that you need to speak with each other and find out, like, okay, this doesn't seem to be fixing itself, so there must be something more here. Right. You know, that's a cool thing. It's not like so it's not. Especially if the friendship's really important to me, then definitely I'm gonna fix it. If it's not important to me, then it's like, okay, I'm gonna kind of let this thing go.

19:22 Jackie: Like it wasn't important to begin with, so you know, it's just more of a a seasonal friend, or you know what I mean? It's just maybe just somebody it's at that time or whatever. But if it's someone that means something to me and it's it's going on too long that I want to find out what's going on. And it's still it could be just something that someone's going through, especially if you have a lot of distance between you, you know. Like me and you have a lot of distance. We just talk more because we're doing business and stuff together and I'm helping you and everything.

19:48 Jackie: But, you know, my our friends here, like I don't talk to one of our friends a lot. She lives in the beach area, but I know she's busy, you know what I mean? But I know that when we do text or something that everything's okay, but that's probably the one that I don't talk to as much. But it's just I know that she's a lot busier and she has her other friends and stuff. But when we get together, it's like we have we we've been talking to each other all the time. You know, it's like we haven't missed a beat.

20:13 Jackie: Right. But but I never think anything's wrong with us, even though I'd like to talk to her more. You know what I mean? But I know there's nothing wrong, so I don't need to find out, oh, is something wrong.

20:23 SPEAKER_01: Right. But we're on like a thread together on texting or whatever, all five of us. So we know that it's okay. She's fine. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like oh yeah. Yeah. That's the nice thing about today's modern way of communicating is that you can have these threads or texts or whatever, and you can see that they're okay and you don't have to worry about it so much.

20:44 Jackie: What's the healthiest way to start a difficult conversation?

20:47 SPEAKER_01: I like humor or pointing something out absurd or changing direction, or, you know, a little divert from the situation at hand. I think when you're mad at something, it's maybe not the perfect time to talk about something. So I probably let that slide off a little bit and try to find something more going on around us or something so that we give it time. Sometimes the the moment to address something is not necessarily at the moment that it's happening. Sometimes you need a little of like time, some distance, some perspectives, um, you know, making sure that you have you have the right words to say.

21:26 SPEAKER_01: Sometimes at that time, that's not really the best time to say something. I think one of the greatest lessons friendship has taught me is that silence isn't always kindness. Sometimes it's fear, sometimes it's protection, sometimes it's hope that the problem will simply disappear. But friendships don't usually drift apart because of one terrible moment. They drift apart because two people quietly begin living inside their stories, but maybe courage is risking one honest conversation because the strongest friendships are built on avoiding conflict.

21:54 SPEAKER_01: They're built on trusting each other enough to tell the truth before silence has a chance to write.

22:21 SPEAKER_01: If you enjoyed today's episode, we'd be celebrating review and share it with your day.

22:32 SPEAKER_01: Women from all over the country share their stories and friendships that change their lives. And if one day you would like to celebrate your own friendship, we'd love to work with you internationally. Until next time, keep showing that each other on it. Keep celebrating the women who make life better. We'll see you next time slightly unsupervised.

23:01 Song: We stick together at a die to the moon, and no amount of space could ever come between us two. The reuniting's like we never been apart, and every single time we add an eye and heart a heart There's not enough words to describe what you mean to me. Through heartaches and ups and downs in this life you've stayed right next to me. I've ought to make you laugh till you cry. Look at everything under the moon. The definition of a best friend It's good.

24:02 Song: It's good And we'll keep dancing to the race. Whatever connected same page, we're writing a story. Everything will keep on going every day.

24:41 Song: What you don't make a made. Two heardays and ups and downs and dislikes. Don't stay right next to me. I thought I'll make you laugh till you cry. Don't come through and do the mole. The definition of a first friend. It's good.

25:09 Song: It's good.

25:12 Song: It's good.

25:22 Song: Trust. That's us loyalty.

25:30 Song: You and me.

25:35 Song: Love trust that says loyalty.

25:44 Song: You and me, I'm not sure.