Friendship Breakups: Honoring the Love, Letting Go with Grace

0:00 Jennifer: Hey there, I'm Jennifer.

0:01 Jackie: And I'm Jackie.

0:02 Jennifer: Welcome to Slightly Unsupervised. We're best friends, business partners, and the chaos behind bestimony, a ceremony we created to celebrate the kindest soulmates who don't come with a marriage license.

0:10 Jackie: This podcast is all about friendship, the deep stuff, the messy stuff, and the laugh until you snort stuff.

0:15 Jennifer: So whether you're driving, folding laundry, hiding in your car for some peace and quiet.

0:19 Jackie: We're so glad you're here. Let's get slightly unsupervised. Today we are talking about navigating friendship breakups, how to honor the friends who helped shape your life. Welcome back to Slightly Unsupervised. Today we're talking about something almost every woman experiences, but very few of us know how to navigate: a friendship breakup. Romantic breakups have songs, movies, books, and advice columns. But when a lifelong friendship ends, there's usually silence. How do you grieve someone's someone who's still alive?

0:48 Jackie: How do you move on without pretending those years didn't matter? And can we honor someone who was once one of the greatest gifts in our lives, even if they're no longer part of it? Let's talk about it.

0:59 Jennifer: Uh before we start, I just want to say something, and this is for people listening to our podcast, because there's something we hope you'll notice. This this podcast isn't about friendship, it's what friendship sounds like. It's two women who've laughed together, cried together, disagreed, forgiven each other, and somehow still enjoy sitting behind these microphones each every week. If listening to us inspires you to become a better friend or appreciate the one you've already got, then this podcast has done its job.

1:25 Jennifer: Friendship breakups. So this one is rough and everybody's had them, and we're not immune to it. Just because we have best friends doesn't mean that we haven't been through some breakups in life. And so I do a really good job of of recounting my life and figuring out who was where with and when and why they were put in my life, because there is the season, reason, and lifetimes, right? These are the people that come and go. And even if you love somebody and they've disappeared out of your life, they may have just been there for a lesson.

1:53 Jennifer: And that's what I generally think about the people that I'm not very close to anymore that I once loved dearly, is that they had a lesson to teach me. They were first seasoned, and I did learn and I did appreciate and I do value that time with them because they're not forever. Um and I'm sure Jackie, you have some of those people too that in your life that you can recount that you've lost, or I don't know if it's a breakup, it's just a ending of it of some sort. Do you have people like that that you can think of in your life?

2:23 Jennifer: Yep, definitely. Yeah. And it's it's painful sometimes because you those people you would think and think will last forever, and it's like wasn't meant to be that way. They had uh something to teach you, and they came and went, and I you know, I know you know who I'm talking about, and particularly because she was one of my best friends in high school and and we're not friends anymore, and part of that is my fault. Uh in fact, most of it's my fault. I think that she got mad at me about something with her wedding.

2:52 Jennifer: And so I am very acutely aware of how this feels and I just want to say that it's you've gotta go back and digest the friendship. You've gotta go back and recount the friendship and what it taught you, and then really decide was that meant to be forever. Because I think in the instance that I'm talking about, Jackie, you know who I'm talking about.

3:16 Jennifer: Very strong woman, very put together and very on track. I don't know how else to explain her, other than somebody who knew far more than we ever knew and shared her wisdom, whether we wanted it or not, we got her wisdom, conversations with her and I do believe, and maybe I'm wrong, and you are friends with her too, Jackie, that in order to grow, you have to grow into that. And she was that, she didn't grow into that, she just kind of was that, and to grow from what she had taught me, I had to do it on my own.

3:54 Jennifer: I couldn't do it with her because otherwise I would lean on her to be that person all the time. Can you kind of see that in that relationship? That sometimes friendships are met for seasons and that you need the time to gain your own footing.

4:08 Jackie: Yeah, definitely. And I wouldn't I wouldn't take that too personally either. Cause when you think about it, she's she's kind of separated herself from everyone. Yeah, no, yeah. I wouldn't take that too personally. I just want you to know that.

4:21 Jennifer: Yeah. Oh, I get that I get that. Trust me. This person knows a lot of people the same people, and and all of us have kind of been removed. And she has her own reasons and some very horrific thing happened to her, and and I understand that, but um, you know, she was something to aspire to to do, but wasn't you couldn't she couldn't get that for me. I had to come on my own terms. So I have a lot of her lessons on my under my belt in life because she was around during a very influential part of my life, and she just, you know, kind of became my other mother, is really what I would say about that.

4:57 Jennifer: Definitely. I'm sure she added her wisdom to you too, right?

5:01 Jackie: I think yeah, she was more of a mother figure.

5:03 Jennifer: Right. That's how it was. It was like, well, tell me what to do, and she'd tell you what to do. You'd be like, whoo, thank you. And but you can't you can't really grow from that. You just then become dependent on the well, what do I do? So um so I had another very close friend that same thing. I we kind of drifted apart because the thing that held us together, and you probably have this Jackie too, when you have a friend and you have kids or whatever, and you guys are super tight with the kids, and then the kids grow up, and then the the common bond or the commonality between you has almost disappeared.

5:38 Jennifer: And now you don't have that commonality anymore, and so you drift apart, right? That happens too. That's another person that I could think of in my life who was very strong and probably took over the mothering of my other friend when she went off to college, and then she was, you know, very mothering with me as well. And because I I think that both of us, Jackie, you and I, we didn't quite get that enough. So you and I do it for each other. We also had the women that do it for us because sometimes we lacked it, right?

6:04 Jennifer: So, anyways, my point is is that I couldn't grow past her either until she left. Until she left, and I found my strength. But the lessons had been learned by being in her presence. Do you have an ADM particular, Jackie? I know you had your friend, um Kathy, I'm kind of thinking of that you were really good friends with during your marriage. So your first husband that was kind of like that.

6:25 Jackie: She was a motherly figure, yeah, definitely.

6:27 Jennifer: She was, yeah. Yeah. Because you you and I would need that, right? We we lacked that. That's the thing you and I have in common is the lacking of that to some degree. So we were probably real good, real good people for, you know, the one friend we both had in high school, she probably is like, come, my children.

6:43 Jackie: I mean a lot of work friends. I would because remember when I worked, I had a lot of I was young.

6:47 Jennifer: Yeah.

6:48 Jackie: In the industry I was in. And so I had a lot of older friends through work too. Same thing. Kind of got did the same kind of thing, motherly or fatherly, honestly.

6:58 Jennifer: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Motherly, fatherly. Yeah. I do that. So some of these breakups, y'all, are difficult and we know it. And it's it's not easy, but some of it is necessary because it's not to be you can be too dependent on somebody. You have to come into your own too, right? So but you can love somebody it's not in your life anymore. I certainly have a lot of love for these women that I'm talking about. And, you know, if they ever called and needed something, I would jump because I think I they deserve that from me.

7:27 Jennifer: And I owe that to them, right? They did a lot for me.

7:30 Jackie: So some I would, some I would not.

7:35 Jennifer: Right.

7:35 Jackie: Not all lessons were great, trust me. Right, exactly. Yes. And you know, Jackie, I've I've said it before. I give so many chances, and there's a lot on my list. If there's some behind me, there's a reason they're behind me, and I will not look back. Right, right.

7:50 Jennifer: And that's okay. I mean, not all friendships were healthy, right? I know some friends that you have that you're talking about right now that were not healthy for you. That you you had to get past, you had to grow past it, right? You had to grow into that. We could tell you, I could say, Jackie, I don't know if this person's very good for you. I don't I don't really see a friend there until you saw it, it did nothing.

8:10 Jackie: As my husband says, I take everybody in. I l everybody's my friend.

8:14 Jennifer: That's true. Technically, like an orphan. Like, just bring all the orphans over to me and I'll take them all in. You gotta mourn them. You gotta like go through the process just like you do if somebody kind of dies. It's unfortunate, it happens. There's the loss, there's the anger, there's the you know, resolve. It all comes together and you're gonna have to go through it all. And if there's ever a chance, though, I hope that if you've lost somebody and the breakup is about something minute or silly, Jackie and I are good examples that a friendship can return, right?

8:48 Jennifer: And I have had a breakup, 15-year breakup, and return to it. I mean, Jackie and I broke up because she kind of kind of got isolated from everybody and everything. So, but it we could never have repaired that, Jackie, if you'd stayed married, right? It wouldn't have happened.

9:03 Jackie: No, I don't see that happening.

9:05 Jennifer: Yeah. She would have been in the isolation she was in. So sometimes if the if the environment changes for somebody and you could see an opening of a door, like, well, maybe we could be friends again because something that was keeping us from being friends is removed. There's always that. With us, that's the perfect example of what you and I had, right? Something removed itself from the barrier between us that we could be friends again. But it took trust because Jackie was pretty mindful and sure that she thought I was not did not have her best interest at heart, right?

9:32 Jennifer: It took some time for you to feel like, okay, maybe she does care. Because you were told for a long time, probably, that I had not your best interest.

9:41 Jackie: And so a lot of that none of my friends had my best interests. But yeah. It's okay.

9:45 Jennifer: I learned but that's an important lesson, Jackie, because you somebody in my position that lost a friend because of that, and then somebody that was in the situation that you were in is like, these are good for you to say that your life view changed. Just as an example, because you're in a relationship and lost that relationship, and that's how you were able to reconnect with your friends. Thankfully, everybody was welcoming and loved you and brought you back. Would you say that the climb is harder because you felt isolated and you thought everybody around you wasn't good for you and you took you some time?

10:18 Jennifer: Like, give us a little insight into how you thought after you got divorced and reacquainted with your friends. Like, did you have some hang ups on that because you might have been told that we weren't good for you or cared about you?

10:30 Jackie: Obviously. Just think about how I was kind of uh I kind of had a wall up when we first started like talking and stuff. I wasn't I wasn't really warm and fuzzy at first.

10:40 Jennifer: Yeah, yeah.

10:41 Jackie: Yeah, it's a group. If you think about it, I was yeah, I was still like, you know, because I was just told so many things and I believed it. I I just was brainwashed. Right. You know, everybody was, you know, not my my good friends. Right, you know, nobody was, you know, it's sad. It is. I hate to dwell on the past, everything's so good now. Baby steps, but I did it. I did it. It just took time. Yeah. I was scared. I mean, it's just like my my relationship, my relationship with my husband. I mean, he kept saying, I can't wait for you to see my yourself through my eyes.

11:16 Jackie: Like he, you know, he'd give me compliments and I couldn't take a compliment. Right. And he would say, I can't wait till you see how great you are.

11:24 Song: Right.

11:24 Jackie: Um, I could not take compliments from people. I just did not think much of myself. Right. It just it took a while. Now I sh I talk myself up.

11:36 Jackie: Now I'm in the mirror in the morning. I'm a great friend, I'm a great wife, I'm a great mother. Don't tell me otherwise. Right.

11:44 Jennifer: And they shouldn't. I will give you that. Like, that's ridiculous. Don't let anybody do that to you again. And and I will not be as passive next time if that occurs. You know what I mean? Like, I'm fine, and we're getting this covered right now. We're not doing that again. Like, you know, if you have a former friend and you want to try to reach out, I just had this conversation with a girl I podcast with yesterday. She said, Well, what if you've lost a friend? And what what do you suggest to get back into being closer?

12:12 Jennifer: She still had her friend, but they weren't that close. So I said, honestly, I'd start with maybe some memes. Like send it, be like, hey, do you remember that time we did this? Like, go back into like some of the relationship that you've had with somebody, remind them how much you meant to each other. And, you know, memes are always great because you can find a really good one and send it to somebody. If you can't say the words, sometimes the meme for you know can relay that better than you can say it.

12:38 Jackie: Laughter. Laughter helps.

12:39 Jennifer: Laughter helps, you know, fun one, whatever. I mean, start with tippy toes, just dance in and dance out and don't expect a lot. Don't expect a repair overnight. Like sometimes you're disappointed because the repair takes time. And if you're not willing to give the time for the repair, you're probably gonna miss out on the friendship because we can be the ones to tell you it was not overnight. Send them some memes, send a love note, just say, hey, I just want you to know, even if we're not real close anymore, you meant this to me is always a good way to sort of try to repair something.

13:11 Jennifer: If that's what you're trying to do, if you're just mourning somebody, you just have to go through the process. Not everybody wants to be repaired. And I have friends that I'm probably never gonna repair that with, and I just have to mourn that. And Jackie has friends that she's been friends with, heartbreak that's happened with her, that she just has to mourn through. So it's difficult, it can be done, but if you can repair it, start slow, less expectation, more just openness to being available is probably the biggest advice I'd give to have any advice you'd give Jack.

13:41 Jackie: Yes, same kind of thing, just reaching out, like you said. Like I I like the idea. Luckily, we do have the cell phones that do like little things like the the uh messages, like we send those uh those funny little videos and stuff. Yeah, those are fun. You know, like it some of our funny.

13:59 Jennifer: Right.

14:00 Jackie: Send some maybe videos of uh remember this, doesn't this like us back in high school? Yeah, that type of thing.

14:06 Jennifer: Give it some space to to grow and wait, be patient. It's not gonna happen overnight. So you know, that's all we can say. All right, Jackie, let's go to Bessie Rappings. Have you ever had a friendship end that still makes you sad?

14:16 Jackie: Friends, pretty much friends who've passed away.

14:20 Jennifer: Yeah, that you can't rekindle.

14:22 Jackie: Yeah, because I mean if if if uh any friendships that have really ended, I've I've made sense of it. You know what I mean? I've I've there's a reason. Right that it has.

14:32 Jennifer: Right, right, right.

14:32 Jackie: And if if if I wanted it to keep going, then I've I've made, you know, then I've tried to make it better.

14:38 SPEAKER_03: Right, right.

14:38 Jackie: I really don't have any friendships where you look into repair them anymore. Mm-mm. Okay. Yeah. I get that. Why do you think friendship breakups aren't talked about the way romantic breakups are?

14:52 Jennifer: Same reason. Nobody values it the way they should. Everybody puts so much emphasis on romance that they don't talk about the friendship. And it it's uh it's isolating because if you lose a friend, most people are like, well, moving on. Nobody really sees it as a very terri horrific event. And for those who've been through it and those who know what you're talking about, it's it's a painful experience. You're talking about losing part of your history, part of your life, the support system, the person that you know you that makes you feel like you're you again, like all the things you lose, and losing a friendship is tough.

15:27 Jennifer: It's you know, romance is one thing, but friendship is all another. That's every chapter, not just the chapter. A romance is a chapter of your life. It is, it's part of it, but it's you're talking about losing the whole history, the whole chapters, all the chapters, somebody that's witnessed that with you. So breakups aren't talked about as much because they're just not valued. And that's our goal, Jackie. Make sure that people realize that this friendship is one of life's foundational relationships, and you have to treat it as such because it's important.

15:53 Jennifer: And if that's all we do, Jackie, in life, it's good enough. We've done enough.

15:58 Jackie: That's right. Can you genuinely wish a former friend happiness, even if you're no longer part of each other's lives? Definitely. Yes. I can.

16:07 Jennifer: I have no problem doing that. I hope you have a beautiful life and amazing life, and I'm rooting for you. Even if you don't see me, and even if you don't know what I'm doing, I I want you to have it. I would never wish anybody that. It's just not in my nature to do so. So if you're friends with me and we're not friends anymore, I have genuinely wishing you a happiness and rooting for you. So okay, Jackie, what's one lesson a former friend taught you that you're still grateful for today?

16:32 Jackie: Where your own boundaries lie. So somebody has taught you that my own boundaries. Yeah.

16:37 Jennifer: Yeah. Taught you better for boundaries, which you needed.

16:40 Jackie: Yes. The Lord, you needed. Not to let anybody treat me bad, self-worth, self-worth, clarity, future growth. Yeah. All those things.

16:50 Jennifer: And I'm glad and I'm glad for those lessons for you because you really did need them. You really did. You were raised to take care of everything and everybody and really put yourself last. So anybody that taught you boundaries is a good person in my book because I think you needed that. Um and goodness. I'm still working on that. But yeah, but but still, it's better than it was, right? You you had somebody teaching you that. So okay, you're next.

17:15 Jackie: Do you think closure always comes from a conversation or can it come from acceptance?

17:21 Jennifer: It can come from acceptance. I think you're not going to get closure with a conversation with everybody. You don't get closure with a lot of people with conversations. You have to learn to come to your own acceptance because it's not a given. You don't get to have a big fight with somebody and then have a final discussion with them. You don't get to somebody dies, you don't get to have a final discussion. Acceptance is your peace and your heart with where you stand and where you accept and see the lessons that were learned and the joy that it brought and the happiness that you were gained from that.

17:54 Jennifer: And just because you want to it last forever does not mean that it was meant to last forever. And you have to, you have to give that grace. What do you think, Jack?

18:02 Jackie: Yeah. Well, a final talk sounds ideal, relying on another person for closure leaves your health, leaves your healing at the mercy of their honesty, maturity, or willingness to speak with you.

18:13 Jennifer: Very good point, too. You're right.

18:14 Jackie: That's a really good point. So um Yeah.

18:18 Jennifer: You're not gonna get it always. Sometimes you just move on.

18:20 Jackie: So have you ever looked back and realized that friendship had changed long before it actually ended?

18:26 Jennifer: Yeah, I think that I have that too. I think that, you know, we've talked about some friends that we've been friends with that they dropped off a cliff one day and you're like, what happened there? Like, and so yeah, I think that it doesn't drop off a cliff. It must have had been rolling off a cliff. I just didn't notice it and it finally dropped off a cliff. So yeah, I think so. Um it happens, girls. We're we're we're best friends and we got friends, but it happens to all of us. You're not isolated.

18:54 Jennifer: Please don't feel like you're the only person that doesn't have these things happen to you because I think we've all gone through it and you're not alone in it. So okay, Jackie, is there a former friend you silently cheer for even though they don't know it?

19:06 unknown: Yeah.

19:07 SPEAKER_03: Of course, of course. Yeah.

19:14 Jackie: I'm not that evil. No. You shouldn't.

19:24 SPEAKER_03: But a friendship is like a is like a voluntary voluntary thing. We're not we're not just because we decide to be friends somebody, it you know, we're not in a contract to do so.

19:34 Jennifer: And so give that grace, y'all. Be important that you know that they're they're an important part of your life. That doesn't mean that you have to they have to be there forever. They just signed up to hang out with you for once or twice and that's it. Moving on.

19:46 Jackie: Except important being right or remembering the good that once existed.

19:50 Jennifer: For me, the good that once existed. I don't even know what the fights are about. Honestly, the people that I've lost, I don't remember really what the fights are about. There's nothing being right or being wrong about it. It's it's I mostly remember all the good, and I think that happens in time. With time, it happens. So I didn't say it happened right away, but it happened eventually. Yeah. Okay, if you could say one kind thing to someone who used to be your best friend, what would it be?

20:13 Jackie: Thank you for the good times we shared, the laughs we had, and the ways we helped each other grow. I hope your life is going well now. Bye.

20:21 Jennifer: One of the hardest things about friendship is accepting that every story has an ending we hope for. Some friends stay for a lifetime, some stay for a season, some leave quietly, some leave painfully. But don't believe every friendship ends has to come to an enemy. Sometimes the healthiest thing we can simply say is thank you. Thank you for the years, thank you for the memories, thank you for helping me become who I am and genuinely hope life is good to you. Because not every friendship is meant to last forever, but every meaningful friendship deserves to be remembered with kindness.

20:49 Jennifer: We will see you next week on Slightly Unsupervised. If today's conversation made you think of your person, call her, text her, take your dick coffee, and tell her she matters. Because some of life's greatest love stories don't come with a marriage license.

21:03 Jackie: If you enjoyed today's episode, we'd be so grateful if you'd subscribe, leave us a review, and share it with your ride or die best friend.

21:09 Jennifer: Want to see some of our incredible friendships we've celebrated? This visit our best of money YouTube channel where women from all over the country share their stories of their friendships that change their lives. And if one day you'd like to celebrate your own friendship, we'd love to welcome you to Nashville.

21:23 Jackie: Until next time, keep showing up, keep cheering each other on, keep celebrating the women who make life better. We'll see you next time on Sightly Unsupervised.

21:46 Song: We stick together at or die to the moon, and no amount of space could ever come between us two. Reuniting's like we've never been apart, and every single time we add an iron heart to heart.