The Slow Build: Episode 6 The Slow Build | Why Real Friendships Take Time

0:00 Jennifer: Hey there, I'm Jennifer.

0:01 Jackie: And I'm Jackie.

0:02 Jennifer: And welcome to Slightly Unsupervised. We're best friends, business partners, and the chaos behind Bestimony, a cele ceremony we created to celebrate the kind of soulmates who don't come with a marriage license.

0:11 Jackie: This podcast is all about that friendship energy, the deep stuff, the messy stuff, and the laugh to you snort stuff.

0:16 Jennifer: So whether you're driving, folding laundry, or hiding in your car for some peace and quiet, you're in good company.

0:21 Jackie: Let's get slightly unsupervised.

0:22 Jennifer: Welcome back, you all. We are on episode six now of our series Making Friends Later in Life. And this one is titled The Slow Build: How Real Friendships Deepen Over Time. We want to help women help women understand that healthy friendships build gradually, not through oversharing, intensity, or trauma bonding, but through consistency, safety, and mutual effort.

0:43 Jackie: We've talked about who you are now. We've talked about your energy. We've talked about boundaries, and we've talked about how to actually meet people. But what nobody talks about is what happens next. After the coffee, after the first, that was fun. Because this is where women either rush it or retreat. You either spill your whole life story and call her your soulmate, or you keep it surface for two years and never let her in. This episode is all about the middle ground, the slow build, the way real relationships deepen over time without forcing it and without shutting down.

1:17 Jennifer: Absolutely. So this segment is really about intensity. The intensity isn't in intimacy that you can really find somebody. And I'm sure it's happened to you too, Jackie. I have more of an instance on this with guys that I have dated where their bond with me is too quick, too fast, and it scares the Jesus out of you more than sort of letting something grow naturally and getting close to people. Or, you know, immediately they're like, you're the person for me. And you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, back it up, buddy.

1:47 Jackie: Yeah, that's me.

1:48 Jennifer: Yeah. It can go both ways. It's a really it's that's a relationship, but so is the relationship of friendship. That you cannot put so much pressure on one relationship um immediately to be your everything, that you need to come into that with some uh some boundaries, which we've talked about, and also just letting it slowly grow into a relationship that you cannot just because you may pick somebody out as your best friend, like they'd be perfect. You have to be respectful that the other person on the other side of that has to feel that connection as well.

2:20 Jennifer: And sometimes it doesn't happen that way. Have you ever had a relationship, Jackie, that somebody was head over heels in love with you to begin with? You're like, whoa, that's way too much for me to deal with right now that you know kind of caused you to back up and go, I don't think so. Like too much is not good either.

2:37 Jackie: I think at the time I didn't realize it was happening. That it was happening. And then when I look back, I can see exactly what was happening. And then it was just like, and actually that wasn't a good friendship. There was one that definitely happened that way, and I didn't see it. I just let it keep going like it was.

2:54 Jennifer: Yeah.

2:54 Jackie: And I probably should have stopped it. I should have seen red flags ahead of time.

2:58 Jennifer: Right.

2:59 Jackie: And I did it. I gave it like you know, my usual, as we all talk, I give like so many chances.

3:05 Jennifer: Chances for you to figure it out.

3:07 Jackie: Yeah. And and also I've done it with guys. Like when I divorced, I was just like not interested. I just wanted to date. That was it. Right. I mean, I'd been in a relationship forever. I was super young when I got into it, and I was done.

3:20 Jennifer: Yeah.

3:20 Jackie: So until my man that's in my life now got to me, it all worked out. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely there was a lot of guys that would be like, hey, I thought we were like an item. No, I never said that.

3:31 Jennifer: But a few that were like, you know, you're my soulmate. You're like, whoa, whoa, back it up, buddy. That's not. I cannot, I have to come into it. And this is, you know, just what we want to talk about here is that we want you to know that you have to come slow and steady. This is not a climb to the top first day. You gotta kind of do that. And and Jackie and I have an interesting story. And if you listen to our podcast at all, probably in episode two or three, we talk about how you and I were not friends for like 15 years, that you were married to somebody who didn't like me and I didn't like him, and you went off to get married and do all those things.

4:05 Jennifer: And there was a real, you know, deep loss between the two of us because you got married to somebody I didn't like and he didn't like me. And so there was a lot of, you know, reconnecting even with Jackie and I. This was something that happened, and we were basically best friends before that happened. So you can imagine that if two best friends that come back together cannot immediately just jump back into we're best friends tomorrow, we had to come back slowly. We had to start doing some things together, we had to start trusting each other with stuff, we had to start sharing some stories with each other and slowly and gradually kind of reconnect with each other on that level, even though we had known each other.

4:40 Jennifer: So you can imagine on a new relationship, it it's gonna take time too.

4:45 Jackie: And think about it like um there was times, like remember, I was going through videos from that I transferred over for the kids, and I'm like, oh my gosh, I don't even remember you being at my house in the desert when I was married to him. I remember our one girlfriend, we did her bait her uh bachelorette party, of course.

5:01 Jennifer: Yeah.

5:02 Jackie: But like going back and I was like, oh my gosh, both her boys are there. She's play those boys are playing with my boy. It was just like, and I think it was just a I had to separate myself because like we planned something because with another friend that was there. Yeah, and so we planned something, and then I'm just like, I just kind of put it out of my head. Like I knew that we still couldn't at that point, because I was with him, have that relationship anymore.

5:26 Jennifer: Right.

5:26 Jackie: So it was just for a time. It was just a time. So it's like kind of how they say like things happen to you and you put it away and you don't think about it. That's exactly what happened, which is sad.

5:36 Jennifer: I didn't remember it either, too, to be honest with you. I mean, now that we talk about it and we're like, oh yeah, maybe I did. I, you know, same thing. It's like life had taken hold and we gone on with our lives or whatever. And and we couldn't, we knew, even probably when we were together at those times, it's like you were still married to this human. This was not any more than just a quick, hey, how are you? That, you know, see see later kind of thing, because we couldn't have that relationship if we had this person in between us, because that that person was that on our side list, didn't wasn't gonna allow us to be friends.

6:08 Jennifer: So, but you know, there's the other thing too is that you we start small, right? So Jackie and I start small. We're not jumping into being best friends tomorrow. We're like, oh, there's an opportunity here for us to be friends. So we start slow. We start seeing each other. Probably I remember coming down to your house, like you must invited me for the weekend or whatever. I came with my son and we spent the weekend with you and your husband. You didn't my new husband. Yeah. We did a reunion together.

6:34 Jennifer: We helped you with that kind of thing. We went to Vegas. Do you remember that? We went to Vegas with a bunch of girls, and that kind of was like, you know, another stepping stone. And then just kind of slowly but surely spending some time together and reacquainting ourselves with each other. And you've got to remember too, and at least in our case, there was a lot of um bad things said, yeah, bad things said about, you know, my friendship with you about you're probably leery about the fact that I was not the person that you thought I was.

7:03 Jennifer: And, you know, that's always um something that's the guy will do to uh some girl that he doesn't want in his wife's life or his girlfriend's life is she's not really your friend, you know, that kind of thing, the mental problems, the the stuff that goes on with that. So this is just a little bit of like we're just trying to give you some examples about why it has to be a slow climb. You come in with somebody, you know, I know I've trauma bombed with somebody over in in the bathroom at a bar before.

7:27 Jennifer: You know what I mean? Like, oh my God, only best friends. That happened to me. And, you know, those things are not, those aren't longwithstanding. You have to continue to have all that trauma all the time. And maybe if you're a trauma queen, you can continue with trauma and trauma, but you know, you can't dump on somebody your entire life and tell them everything that's ever happened to them day one and expect them to not be overwhelmed by you. So consistency, slow it down, do a few things, share a few things, of you know, get a little bit of togetherness without, you know, really feeling like you're overwhelming somebody because everybody has their own lives and they have their own baggage they bring into it, and you could be a trigger to them too.

8:08 Jennifer: So you gotta be kind of careful with that kind of stuff, I feel like. So if you're out meeting people and you go have something and you know, it's my one thing on this this episode or this series is that you go try it one time, it doesn't work out, and you completely block yourself from doing it again because you're so afraid that somebody's not going to be reciprocating back to you their what you wanted. And so you give up immediately. And, you know, I watch those blogs and you do too, Jack, that this happens a lot.

8:36 Jennifer: People are like, Well, I've tried. Well, you tried once, you tried it didn't work out, you know. Not everybody's gonna be your cup of tea.

8:44 Jackie: Um, so no, and I think I think even when we got back together, I was still going through my issues of the divorce. I was still I was a freaking mess. I'm gonna admit it. I was a mess.

8:55 Jennifer: Yeah.

8:56 Jackie: But you knew me and you knew what I used to be. Right. And that really made a difference. Um and it's hard if if you're just being uh all of a sudden getting a new friend, it's not gonna be that you don't know them. Like we were lucky that you knew the person I was before.

9:12 Jennifer: Right, right.

9:13 Jackie: And so you were able to be there for me. I'll start crying, but you were able to be there for me because you knew what I used to be.

9:19 Jennifer: Right. I reminded you. I'm like, what who the hell's this person? And I've said that always to that to this degree is that I didn't see you evolve and change. I know a lot of your friends did, and I didn't. So when I came back, I was like, I don't know who the hell you are. What do we talk about? Why are we being quiet? Like you were the most, you know, bold, outgoing person. What happened to her? Where is she? Um it it was it was definitely good for Jack for me to have be that way because I didn't, you know, I know a lot of your friends saw you evolve and change, and so they probably forgot who you used to be.

9:52 Jennifer: And I never forgot because I never that's all I ever saw. It was, you know, all things work for uh for the greater good, and that's what exactly what happened for that. So I you know, keep in mind that if you come in strong and you overwhelm somebody, the reality of the situation is they'll probably back off. They'll probably be too much for you. It'll be too much for them to digest you in such a big way that, you know, if I don't know you from anything, the one little step forward is maybe the first platform is like, well, tell me a little bit about who you are and kind of leave some of your trauma and your baggage out of it.

10:28 Jennifer: Kind of go over some, this is what I like, what I like, or whatever, so that kind of getting an idea of people are your cup of tea or if you like to do the same thing. Um What do you think, Jack? What do you think is a good stepping stone for the first finding?

10:42 Jackie: Oh, definitely. Don't bring all that stuff in. That's why I was just making that remark.

10:45 Jennifer: Yeah.

10:47 Jackie: And it was only because we knew each other. We knew each other. If you're just meeting someone, I would never I am I know what to do. Like, um, if you're meeting someone, you don't give the the the black I guess it's the black and white is what they say. So you only give part of it, but you don't want to give all the the negative black of it.

11:07 Jennifer: Right. The kind of in between.

11:09 Jackie: Yeah. Somewhere in between. And I'm like when we like like we moved in the neighborhood, they don't know anything. I mean, our neighbors.

11:17 Jennifer: Yeah.

11:18 Jackie: Any of my bad stuff or anything with me and my husband, when we go out, we just put a bright face on. Does that make sense? So I feel like when you start out, and then when you really get to know someone, you can put your stuff out there. There's like a time and a place, I guess. You know what I mean? Right. But when you start out with someone, like I like you saying, Oh, you'll meet someone in the bathroom and they're like throwing up whatever. No. Me, I'd be all you're not my person. I am not dealing with you.

11:45 Jackie: That's where me and you are opposites. You know what I mean? Like, we need help. Let me help you. I would be like looking at her like, girl, get yourself together, knock it off, get out of here.

11:55 Jennifer: I mean, bringing that to me. We have a new friend. She's in the bathroom 29. She's got a trauma.

12:00 Jackie: Her breath smells really bad, but don't smell it. And I'd be like, girl, you need to go take a mitt.

12:08 Jennifer: Exactly.

12:09 Jackie: That's where you and I are different.

12:10 Jennifer: We're different. We would bring different people back to the table. Jackie will bring all the fun people that want to party and have a good time. And I'm like dragging all the poor pigeons around the, you know, lost their way. I'm like, huh, please me, I'll be your friend. So um, you know.

12:24 Jackie: But it is funny that you, you know, that saying it out loud, because I don't think we've ever talked about that before, but it is pretty much how we both are. Like we could be somewhere and you'll be like, oh no, shut up, Jed. Stop.

12:35 Jennifer: You are not.

12:36 Jackie: We are not picking this chick up.

12:39 Jennifer: Where you're inviting the two the entire roulette table out to go hang out with us afterwards. I'm like, who are these people?

12:44 Jackie: Yeah, but they were fun. There was no baggage there. Nobody was too drunk. Perfect. So let's be real.

12:57 Jennifer: You know, I have to, I can't drag everything home that needs a friend, and Jackie can't bring every person that we already over to our, you know, hang out with us all the time. Or like, yeah, it's in between there.

13:06 Jackie: So Unless you're fun.

13:08 Jennifer: Yeah.

13:09 Jackie: So no So if you meet us, be really fun and you can hang out with us.

13:12 Jennifer: Or give me your sad story and I'll take you home with me. Poor thing needs attention. So but I think that we're just trying to give you some some real, like, you know, solid information, some solid, hopefully, some solid advice here for you that you need to start slow, start quietly, definitely into this with all your struggles. Um it's it's too much for people. You want to talk about things that are, you know, you might mutually have in common. Those are good things to start with. You know, I've talked about the gardening club.

13:44 Jennifer: If you guys are gardening together, there's always a there's lots to talk about with that stuff.

13:48 Jackie: Cornhole competitions, whatever.

13:51 Jennifer: Corn and gardening, same thing. Talking and listening. This one is this one's important. I'm gonna say this one. When someone talks, listen and then let them talk. Like, I think there's a lot of people out in the world that talk. I know I talk more than Jackie on this, but that's just because she can be shy. So it's just kind of the way we deal with it. In real life, Jackie will talk as much as I will. I'm just a little more on on the podcast that way because it I think she needs me to do that. And so I do that.

14:19 Jennifer: We're we're balancing each other. But, you know, talk and then listen. Ask some questions, man. Ask somebody about their life. Because a lot of people don't know where to start either. And if they haven't had friends in a long time, it can be really complicated because they don't have any other friendships to even really like look back and be like, you know, uh, this is how my other friendships work. So this must be how you have no basis of that. That can be really, really tough. So, you know, give some time for people to talk, listen to them, you know.

14:46 Jennifer: If they ask for an hour, make sure you respect the time. You don't want to put them in a position they're having to bail out of there and you're not letting them go, even though they've kind of given you a timeline that they need to be leaving. I think timelines for your first meeting are always perfect. I would put a timeline on it. Always. I would say, I've got half an hour, we can have a cup of coffee, and at your half an hour go because that relieves the stress off the situation for when does this end?

15:10 Jennifer: It's like a date, right? It's like you don't know how many times, you know, when we're gonna get to go home. So I I think a really good thing to do in the beginning is to have some kind of timeline for how long you're gonna be spending your time together so that both of you have a way to exit out of that pretty quickly.

15:26 Jackie: And then And if it goes longer, it means that there's some kind of connection.

15:30 Jennifer: Yeah, there's some kind of connection. But it's for a lot of people that have anxiety in particular, they need an exit strategy to start. Maybe even if they have anxiety, you might have to give them some time to be able to be friends with you more than their half an hour or whatever. So just kind of keep that in mind that you know those things are very important that when you meet people that you are giving people time and and space to unfold and don't come at them at full speed because you're gonna find out that people are gonna back off pretty quickly.

16:00 Jennifer: And you might have been a really good connection. It's just that your style of coming in strong could be uh kind of a turnoff for them and they'll never give you another opportunity, is what I would say.

16:11 Jackie: Like And like the website or the thing on Facebook that we've seen too about the girlfriends thing. I think I wish it was more like a dating app where it asks questions so that you're finding a friend that is more like you, right? Does that make sense? Yeah. Um I'm more of an introvert, I'm more of an extrovert, I want this, I want that. Uh the one that we found that we felt bad, that we're like, hey, we should do this episode, or gend it, sorry, not me. We're going with it. It's, I mean, I still see kind of some of their stuff that they put on.

16:42 Jackie: I don't, I don't know about this, but they go back and forth on stuff. And I think if it had questions, you could be matched up with a better friend. Right. Does that make sense? Like they put all this thing on, and maybe we should make the app. I don't know, maybe there's something up there. But if there's not, maybe we should think about this that where they have the questions so that you kind of get put with somebody that you are more alike. Right.

17:05 Jennifer: So that you at least can have some kind of immediate connection to so that you have something to go off of right away instead of coming out of, you know.

17:16 Jackie: Or you get in the message, cool. Cool, cool.

17:20 Jennifer: Cool to you too. Um, so you know, so just keep in mind slow and steady, this is, you know, deepens over time. Friendships will evolve and let them come at their space at their pace and be understanding. Jackie and I had to be spend a lot of time being understanding with each other when we first got back to being friends with each other, even though we knew each other, was you know, where she was at life then or where she was in life now versus where I knew her as, and the same vice versa. You know, we were two different people, essentially, but the same too, you know.

17:53 Jennifer: So yeah, yeah. We needed to get back to that, and we needed to find our own space and our own trust building to get back to that too. So it can happen, it can happen for people that have known each other for a long time. And if you are reconnecting with somebody from a long time, we are here to tell you give that some time, give it some space, and you know, you don't know. I don't remember all the things I did to you, Jackie, when I was a kid, and I'm sure there are things, you know. Like it's not like when I kicked you out of the car that one time and then I went back and picked you back up.

18:21 Jennifer: But you know what I mean?

18:22 Jackie: Like what's funny is you remember that and I don't remember it. You don't? I believe you, but I don't remember it.

18:29 Jennifer: Yeah. There's a thing you probably remember that I don't remember, and I'm like, I'd have no idea what I've done. So be graceful, be be gracious with people and give them some time and energy to come at it slowly but steady. So, anyways, let's get on with that. If this episode hit you the feels or made you laugh way too hard, we consider that a win.

18:47 Jackie: Be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with your ride or die.

18:51 Jennifer: And when you're ready to make your friendship official, book your bestimony at rhinestoneweddingchapel.com.

18:55 Jackie: Because the best love stories don't always come with a ring.

19:15 Song: And no amount of space could ever come between us two. Reuniting's like we've never been apart, and every single time we add an eye and heart to heart. There's not enough for the spite for your bad.