When It’s Not a Match: Episode 7 When It's Not a Match | Handling Friendship Rejection Without Shutting Down

0:00 Jennifer: Hey there, I'm Jennifer. And I'm Jackie. And welcome to Slightly Unsupervised, where best friends, business partners, and the chaos behind festimony, a ceremony we created to celebrate the kind of soulmates who don't come with a marriage license.

0:10 SPEAKER_03: This podcast is all about that friendship energy, the deep stuff, the messy stuff, and the laugh to you snort stuff.

0:16 Jennifer: So whether you're driving, folding laundry, or hiding in your car for some peace and quiet, you're in good company.

0:20 SPEAKER_03: Let's get slightly unsupervised.

0:22 Jennifer: Welcome back. We are on episode seven now of our series Making Friends Later in Life. And this is the seventh episode, and it is titled When It's Not a Match, How to Handle Friendship Disappointment Without Shutting Down. We want to teach you how to handle rejection, ghosting, or misalignment without internalizing it or retreating from the connection.

0:42 SPEAKER_03: Okay. So you met someone. You went to coffee, you had a conversation, maybe even thought, oh, this could be good. And then nothing. She didn't text back. She faded out. Or worse, she turned out not to be who you thought she was. This episode is about that moment when it's a not a match and how to handle without shutting down.

1:01 Jennifer: Yeah. Rejection is personal. You know, everybody has to go through it. It's happens all the time. And you really have, if you're in a position, I feel like if you're in a position where you don't have a lot of friends and you're at this age in life, later in life, that rejection is probably a big trigger in your life, that you are disappointed by somebody, maybe when you were younger or you were rejected by a group of people or whatever it is that happened. And um when rejection is, it feels personal.

1:30 Jennifer: It's not always personal. Sometimes it's just, you know, there's reasons that people don't align with each other. And we just kind of want to talk about some of that so that you understand if it isn't a match for you, that what could it possibly have been? And unfortunately in today's world, this ghosting, which happens, you know, that's not a word that Jackie and I grew up with. We didn't ghost each other. It wasn't something that happened, but now with social media or texting and all the things that ways we can connect with each other when you're not getting a response or they've disappeared.

2:02 Jennifer: This ghosting thing happened. I wonder what happened when we were kids, Jack, when we just didn't talk to each other. Like, how would we know we weren't there was no ghosting. It wasn't like a like you didn't get a fight.

2:12 SPEAKER_03: Uh oh. Maybe like even at school, I'm thinking like it still didn't I guess because we always had a group of friends. So you could be mad. You were still with that group, so it all worked out. Does that make sense? Yeah.

2:25 Jennifer: Um like we could be fighting, two of us could be fighting, but in the group, you had to kind of move on to to be with the group. To be with the group.

2:32 SPEAKER_03: Well we did, we just had a group always, I think. I mean, me and you were super close, but I've still felt like we had a group. Yeah, for sure we did. That we all defended and helped and you know, did everything. Like remember, like I said, like uh two of our friends when they were having a really bad time. I picked them up, didn't even tell them for a New Year's Eve party.

2:51 SPEAKER_04: Right.

2:51 SPEAKER_03: And I'm like, you're both going. And then I had to put chains on. They both didn't get out of the car and help me.

2:59 SPEAKER_03: They're sitting in the car probably talking to each other. Right.

3:02 Jennifer: It made it fine, right? Yeah, for sure. Um, yeah, so it's but it comes from a lot of I think women's later in life stuff comes from those that younger relationship when you're kids kind of thing, and then it doesn't work out, or women were be bad to you, or they sold your boyfriend, or you know, there's so many bad. Yeah. We have really good moral friends, I feel like. Yeah.

3:24 SPEAKER_03: I had one at one point, and um it's so hard to like my mother, she was a single well, she wasn't even single, she was with a guy, but she wasn't that serious about him. And I remember my mom like thinking it was like you shouldn't be hanging out with her.

3:39 SPEAKER_04: Oh, really?

3:40 SPEAKER_03: Yeah. And I was just like, why? Yeah. Because she was really good looking and you know, pretty and all that. And she's just like, She shouldn't be over at your house doing laundry, she shouldn't be doing this. And I'm like, Well, she doesn't have this stuff. Right, she has a boyfriend that she lives with, and I just remember the whole thing. And then I had to sit back and I'm wrong, like, is there something? And then that was my thing too, because you know, my ex-husband, yeah, is my mom seeing something I didn't see.

4:07 Jennifer: She didn't want him around, she didn't want the good-looking girl around your husband.

4:12 SPEAKER_03: Right. Which but I trusted her though. I made friends with her, she was friends with my uh our sons were really good friends and and it was a victory Christian school. Like so I'm like, okay, you're paying money for Victory Christian, like you should be have some, you know, morals, obviously.

4:28 Jennifer: Well, I think women some women have been burned or scorned by that, and they've learned a lesson. It for sure it happens. I mean, we're not denying that women take other women's boyfriends or whatever, like the friendships, yeah. They're the people though. It's the people that that those people are. So the you know, we could talk about like our friendships with people that we're friends with. We wouldn't do that.

4:53 SPEAKER_03: Well, I'm just saying that's that's like a discomfort or incompatibility as far as I'm concerned. And it was something that I didn't see. My mom saw it, but I didn't because I'm always see the best in everyone first. I never like try to see the worst. I am and I'm I'm proud of myself for that.

5:10 Jennifer: Like, but let me ask you this, Jackie. How many friends does your mom have? Like does your mom have like none?

5:16 SPEAKER_03: None.

5:18 Jennifer: So there's the there's the point of it. Your mom is married to your dad,'s been married to your dad forever, and she has her children, and that's her life, but she looks at it differently because she comes from it from a different angle. Maybe she doesn't have friends that she had like that that she would trust. That she's like, she's giving you her perspective from her angle. Maybe your mom had some bad juju with some people, women younger in life, and that she doesn't really she sees- Oh no, I can tell you exactly.

5:42 SPEAKER_03: My dad, I remember being younger. My dad cheated at one point, and then I never knew about my mom. And then my I I I was when I became a mother, I was like, Oh my gosh, I, you know, with my ex-husband, I need to stay with him. I know how hard you worked with dad. I remember hearing you guys, you didn't tell us, but we heard, you know how you listen to your parents. You're the oldest. It was that he had cheated. And she's like, Oh, well, you're crazy if you don't think I did. And I did too.

6:09 SPEAKER_02: You're like, What?

6:11 SPEAKER_03: Yeah. And I'm like, that's something I could have went to my grave with not knowing. I would never tell my kids.

6:18 Jennifer: You didn't. Your dad didn't. Your dad never said anything, evidently, because your mom must have talked about your dad cheating on her and then he didn't talk, you d I didn't talk about your mom cheating on him, right? Nope. Nope. Protected her, probably.

6:28 SPEAKER_03: Maybe that's why I have more respect for him.

6:31 Jennifer: Yeah.

6:31 SPEAKER_03: Because he didn't realize that we heard it and then he didn't pull us into it. Does that make sense? And I was just so much older and I had kids, and I was just like looked at her like, why did you say that to me? Right. Literally, I could have gone to the grave without knowing that. I it gave me more respect for you, and now I just I lost it all. Right. Because you felt revenge. Because how she put it was revenge because of what he did.

6:56 Jennifer: Right. Or he did it.

6:57 SPEAKER_03: I went through the same thing. I didn't do revenge.

6:59 Jennifer: Right.

7:00 SPEAKER_03: My ex cheated. I did not do revenge.

7:03 Jennifer: Right. Right.

7:05 SPEAKER_03: So but that's me.

7:06 Jennifer: Yeah, everybody does it differently. But your mom is probably giving you her perspective from like her life, you know? So like we gotta we gotta imagine these people coming into this, listening to this podcast, are probably coming from that from that angle too. That we're probably a little too I we just have good, good friendship. So we have a really good baseline of what friendship should look like and not look like. So it kind of keeps people from cleaning on too long because we're like, no, you're not really friend material or whatever.

7:31 Jennifer: But some people that don't have this or have these relationships that are having this tough time that, you know, immediately if they're not liked or they're feel like they've got ghosted or whatever, the they will retreat. And it's the thing that I keep saying, we you gotta keep trying. Like you gotta go back at it because you're you could be putting some old, old wounds on a new relationship that don't belong to it. You gotta give each person their own chance to show you who they are. I'm not saying everybody you meet's gonna be great, but I'm gonna say that you have to be open to at least watching that and you know, taking the rejection a little bit.

8:07 Jennifer: You gotta you gotta get a little tough skin on this because you're not gonna make connections just because you want a new friend tomorrow doesn't mean you're gonna have a connection of a new friend tomorrow, you know? So you gotta you gotta kind of look at their stage in life too, right? Their capacity to even have you in their life. Maybe they have a husband that requires a lot of time. I I know there's a lady here that I'm pretty good friends with that's husband travels a lot and she's travels with him all the time.

8:30 Jennifer: And so I don't see her that much. I like her when I see her. We have a glass of wine or whatever, but she's got a different capacity for being friends than I do. I'm here most of the time and she's traveling or off doing whatever with him all the time. So even though it'd be fun to hang out with her more, I have to respect the fact that she doesn't have the time to do it. And it's not it's not a reflection on me, it's just a reflection on her where she is in life, you know? That's what she's capable of.

8:54 Jennifer: So that's what you gotta kinda realize. Yeah. Yeah, you gotta kind of watch people and watch the way they behave so that you're not feeling this rejection thing. And sometimes there's just misaligned energy. We we went back, we went through that energy thing, you know. You gotta match up with energy that you may feel this person may be the greatest thing since sliced bread, and you're gonna be the besties of friends. And they're like, not not on this side, I don't feel that. So, you know.

9:17 SPEAKER_03: Well, the here's another um really good example. So one friend that I made and that ended up not good. Yeah, she so I worked with her.

9:28 Jennifer: Yeah.

9:29 SPEAKER_03: A guy came over and she's outside talking to him. So I go out there and say, Hey, you know, because we're closing up, it was closing time. And so I'm like, it's time to go, blah, blah, blah. Come on, come back in. We need to get this stuff done. And I thought nothing of it. She didn't tell me anything, didn't say a thing. Me and my husband went out with her and her husband after that. And then I brought up saying something. I forget she was saying something, so I brought up, oh, well, you mean like the redhead that you were talking to the other night, and her husband's all like, what?

9:59 SPEAKER_03: I guess it was an ex-boyfriend. I had no clue. She never told me. Oh no. He tattled on her. Shit. Oh, yeah. He like was the whole way home because we were doing a Polaris ride. We have a Polaris, a Polaris ride, and the little microphones that we have kept asking her questions about it. I'm like, I didn't know I brought I she didn't act like there was anything. Well, obviously she didn't because she had a guilty conscience. And that was a friend that I ended up like a two years later, not friends with anymore because she pulled some more stunts.

10:31 SPEAKER_03: And it was just like, that was a red flag I should have seen. Like the fact that her husband's all, no, that's her ex-boyfriend. And I was like, I had no clue. I was just like, gosh. You know me, Miss Innocent. I'm just like, and I just brought it up because we were talking about something, and it just was the perfect time not to do anything. You know me.

10:51 Jennifer: Like I accidentally told on you. That must have been so awkward. And it wasn't because she didn't say anything about it.

10:56 SPEAKER_03: I know, but being late or something, like at night, like getting getting out late. And I was like, oh, like that time. I think that's what it was. I go, oh, like the time you had that redheaded guy there. And I was like, come on, back in. And then she's oh did he look like this? And I'm like, yeah. Well, that's her ex-boyfriend.

11:15 Jennifer: I'm like, gee, I had no clue. She didn't tell me. So you can see how these things happen. Like you could on somebody and not really know about it. But anyway, so let's take rejection lightly. Let's go into this with different feelings of, you know, I'm on an interview and I don't necessarily want this job and they don't necessarily want me. We'll decide later if we like each other. And so keep kind of that in into, you know, not everybody is required to like you. And, you know, there is this awkwardness that can happen.

11:45 Jennifer: It's it's gonna happen the first few times you meet with somebody. Awkwardness kind of takes a little bit of time to get through it. Anxiety is really about being anxious about it. You're going into a situation you don't really know anything about, and you can definitely get really anxious about it. These are not like red flags, like, oh my god, I feel awkward. Oh my god, there's anxiety in my body. These are not red flags, hunt these are like normal things that happen. And don't give yourselves, don't push a friendship aside that could be potentially something for you because these things occur.

12:15 Jennifer: These are pretty natural things for everybody to feel. And, you know, you gotta kind of work through that a little bit, get to the other side of it. I mean, I would be anxious to go meet somebody first time or, you know, feel it to be a little awkward, wouldn't you, Jack?

12:28 SPEAKER_03: But I I it's funny you saying that because I don't feel like you would. I feel like you would do better. Yeah.

12:34 SPEAKER_02: Really?

12:34 SPEAKER_03: I don't know why. I'm the more anxiety. I've got like little, you know, like my ears got a little where I pick it at it, I do certain things. Like an anxiety. Um I don't feel I feel like you're more um open, I guess, to to it than I am. I gotcha.

12:52 Jennifer: That I'm more receptive to people and their situations than Yeah.

12:56 SPEAKER_03: Where I am more like, okay, I've been burned so many times that I'm like, I get a little freaked out about it.

13:03 Jennifer: Yeah. But you would have on a normal day, if we were, if you were just gonna go meet somebody that you met on the thing, you were gonna have coffee with them, naturally you would be a little anxious and a little it would be a little awkward. It would just wood. These are not red flags, these are just a normal reaction to a situation that everybody would be into. I would be a little anxious and I would be a little awkward too. Because you're starting from scratch.

13:24 SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it's not like when you're sitting there at the casino table and talking to people. And then, hey, let's meet tomorrow.

13:32 Jennifer: Yeah, yeah.

13:33 SPEAKER_03: Probably in Vegas, you probably wouldn't meet them tomorrow, but you tell them you were.

13:37 Jennifer: I'll be like, We're not going, no Jackie, we're not going tomorrow. So we're sleeping in. Yeah, exactly. So when these things come out, don't just toss it out as like this is not meant for me, this is too bad. Work through your stuff a little bit, y'all. Life is about being a little anxious and a little awkward in life. So it's you know, not the worst thing on the planet that don't give yourself that this thing was a total failure because you were anxious and just and uh you know, awkward with it.

14:04 SPEAKER_03: So take your time, just um ask the right questions. Don't give too much of yourself at first. Because nobody wants it at first, anyways. I don't want to hear all your shit at first. Because I'm I'm gonna take it in. Right. I'm gonna go home, tell my husband about it, and then he's gonna tell me, uh, yeah, no.

14:22 Jennifer: Right. Well, you can also you could also say that because energy is energy, right? I know we have Melinda that does a podcast.

14:29 SPEAKER_03: And I'm I mean, I'm not saying that there's nothing wrong with that you have issues.

14:33 Jennifer: I mean, I don't want to make that like energy. Yeah, energy. So if you go into this energy go into this meeting with good energy or bad energy, whatever the energy is, and you attach it to somebody, somebody's going home with that energy, they can feel either way. If you're receptive, you know, susceptible to that, which I am. I am a energy person. That's why I generally will take in people that have something wrong with them because I'm like, oh, something's wrong with you. You need some help.

14:58 SPEAKER_03: But that's why Jen's friends with me, guys.

15:01 Jennifer: That's not true at all. I was trying to do a long, long time ago. But you know, be responsible for the energy you bring to something too. Like it's important that you, when you're coming into these things, that your energy is is a place where it's good for that person too. Like, be aware of your energy, be aware of what you're bringing into it. I mean, Jackie and I have started doing this podcast, so this is kind of a fun one. And we did episode one. Well, Jackie wasn't really into doing it. And so I listened to the podcast afterwards and I called her and I said, We're redoing number one, Jackie.

15:28 Jennifer: She's like, Why? I go, 'Cause you're your energy's bad. Just bad energy. Like, we can't. We're not gonna do that. We're gonna give the best we can of what we can so that we're doing we're trying to help people. And she had a total change of heart and she's done it. And it's good. But if we just went off the first time that Jackie did it, or we stopped when Jackie didn't want to keep doing it, then the whole thing could have died.

15:48 SPEAKER_03: So, you know, you gotta give some And now Michelle's like, it's Jackie's show. She's like, You talk a lot now. I'm like, Okay, well, we'll wait till it wait till our episode or seven episodes of French.

16:03 Jennifer: So, you know, let it be, let it be what it is. Don't get yourself so disappointed. You may go back and forth with this that you might get ghosted, you might get shut down, you may shut down, and you may ghost. Yeah. Be open to that. Like if they can do it, you can do it. So it's not necessarily go slap in your face. People don't want to tell people that they didn't like them or it wasn't a match. It's just they just ghost each other now. I mean, that's I guess that's the way you figure that out.

16:28 Jennifer: They weren't really into you or they didn't really like you. So don't take it too too personally and and keep going back at it. And you know, you have old wounds that are coming up, triggers that are happening. And please don't overcompensate. Don't try to attack somebody and overdo it. That's the we were talking about the last episode. That'll kill it because people are overwhelmed.

16:50 SPEAKER_03: I feel like if if they ghost you, obviously that wasn't a friendship to begin with. So don't worry about it. Like don't take it personally. Yeah. Because there you go, you go through a lot of friends. Believe me, I've had tons of friends in between like me and you and everything. And yeah, and when they left, or what I mainly it was me. I don't mean it as like a big thing, but I am very particular. And yeah, it just I was done. I was done, and it was fine.

17:16 Song: Yeah.

17:17 SPEAKER_03: And and and and I would re expect someone to do that to me. I guess we do have a friend that did that to me, but she also gave you an alternate ultimatum. You had to be her friend or my friend. Right. And you made your decision. And I'm like, yeah, I win. Well, hello. No, I'm just kidding.

17:34 Jennifer: One thing about me that you know you can't do. Tell me what to do. I'm like, nan.

17:39 SPEAKER_03: Like, yeah, I don't you don't give alternatum, ultimatums, right?

17:43 Jennifer: Yeah. It's not a good thing for me because I can be friends with a bunch of people and they can be separate people, and I don't have a problem with that. But when you're trying to tell me who I can be friends with who, that's when we run into a problem because it's like, no, no, no. I'm a big girl. I can decide what I want to do, what's gonna happen.

17:57 SPEAKER_03: Yeah, and I don't have to hang out with you with them, you know, that type of thing.

18:00 Jennifer: Yeah, like don't don't do that. So anyway, so don't let the old patterns, you know, create these wounds in you again that you're gonna shut down immediately, keep trying, go go back out, get out of there and do it again. You are gonna feel some disappointments, it's gonna happen. And, you know, try to keep your wits about you that you are it's a slow, sled, steady climb that you're gonna have to take some time and you're gonna have to do it. And alignment takes takes people that have the same alignment as you.

18:30 Jennifer: And you might have to go at it seven or eight times before you find somebody that you can really like, or even more than that. Yeah. You might get it on the first one, but don't guarantee it. And when they don't respond or whatever, don't get your feelings hurt and go back and retreat to yourself and because when you think about us, we really took our time.

18:46 SPEAKER_03: Like a lot of people wouldn't have I don't think anybody thought that we had a breakup. Yeah. When they see us together now.

18:54 Jennifer: Yeah, they're like, oh yeah, we've always been friends. We're like, you know what I mean?

18:58 SPEAKER_03: So it just it's uh making friends later in life isn't about speed, it's about alignment, and alignment takes time. It takes time. And I think that was us too. We had to take our time to get back to the friendship we had. It wasn't like right away we weren't like all of a sudden gossiping and talking about anyone or anything like that. It just it was quite a few visits together and time together.

19:23 SPEAKER_03: And a lot of talks. Yeah.

19:25 Jennifer: Like I invite you up, you invite me up. Like we both mutually came. It wasn't like one-sided, it was like every time I had to go see Jackie or Jackie had to come see me. We gave each other that some opportunity. So if we can't put it together that fast, you're not gonna put it together that fast either. So don't feel like it's a failure because you don't go out the gate with a new best friend. It's gonna take some time. All right. If this episode hit you in the fields or made you laugh way too hard, we consider that a win.

19:49 SPEAKER_03: Be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with your ride or die.

19:53 Jennifer: And when you're ready to make your friendship official, book your bestimony at rhinestoneweddingchapel.com.

19:58 SPEAKER_03: Because the best love stories don't always come with a ring.

20:21 Song: Reuniting's like we've never been apart, and every single time we're out of iron heart to heart.

20:45 Song: We don't make a big enough to dump the spike.

22:00 Song: And dance in this life, you'll stay right next to me. I thought I'll make you laugh till you pray. Look up on everything on to the definition of a first friend. It's good.

22:22 Song: It's good.

22:25 SPEAKER_02: It's good.

22:36 Song: Trust that says loyalty.

22:44 Song: You and me.

22:48 Song: Love trust. That says loyalty.

22:58 Song: You and me.