Letters to Our 25-Year-Old Selves | Female Friendship Advice

0:00 Jennifer: Hey there, I'm Jennifer.

0:01 Jackie: And I'm Jackie.

0:02 Jennifer: And welcome to Slightly Unsupervised. We're best friends, business partners, and chaos behind bestimony. A ceremony where we celebrate the kind of soulmates who don't come with a marriage license.

0:13 Jackie: This podcast is all about that friendship energy, the deep stuff, the messy stuff, and the laugh that you snort stuff.

0:18 Jennifer: So whether you're driving, folding laundry, or hiding in your car for some peace and quiet, you're in cut good company.

0:24 Jackie: Let's get slightly unsupervised. Welcome back to Slightly Unsupervised, where two grown women talk like they still need a permission slip. But now we write our own. Today we're going back to our 25-year-old self. What would we tell her? Would she even listen? And why were we kind of glad she didn't?

0:41 Jennifer: Pretty sure my 245-year-old self would not listen. My 50 for 55-year-old self doesn't listen, so I don't think that's changed. So we want to kind of give you a snapshot of who we are and where we come from and life as we've evolved, because uh we not only want to be a good inspiration for being best friends and what that means to each other, but also how we evolved and how we have come from where we started to where we are now and what that looks like and um kind of give, especially for our younger uh our younger people that might listen about, you know, the difference between the way the ages look and the way friendships look.

1:24 Jennifer: So um, we're gonna talk about where we were at 25 when we were at it at 25 years old. So I know exactly where I was. Do you know where you were? Do you remember all this 25-year-old self?

1:34 Jackie: 25 years old self was running a camera store uh district manager for camera stores in Palm Springs, Ranch Mirage and Palm Desert.

1:42 Jennifer: All right. So you lived in Palm Springs. What is it you think you wanted at 25? What was the greatest uh aspirations you had at 25 years old? Me.

1:51 Jackie: At that time I might was just work. Work, work, work and excel at work. Exactly. I wasn't even thinking about children. No. No.

1:58 Jennifer: So you were uh district manager of your camera store that you worked at at 25. That's pretty good. That's amazing, Jack. District manager?

2:07 Jackie: Yeah.

2:08 Jennifer: So were your stores in uh the Palm Springs, California area?

2:10 Jackie: Yes. Okay. And then they asked me to run the three stores and be, I guess they could call it mini district manager. Position.

2:22 Jennifer: Let's not take away anything. District manager, a 25-year-old in charge of three stores is pretty impressive. Right on. So you weren't thinking about having kids.

2:31 Jackie: I was busy.

2:32 Jennifer: You were busy, yeah.

2:33 Jackie: I worked a lot. I flew for them. I'd go look to Washington. I would go do oh, what do you call those things? Oh goodness. Here's my 55-year-old brain.

2:41 Jennifer: Yeah, I know, right?

2:42 Jackie: 55 years old, just so y'all know. I always did get inventories. Oh, there you go. So they would fly me to pl uh places to run their inventories in the stores.

2:50 Jennifer: Gotcha. Back to what I was saying. Your 55-year-old self forgets words. Flies in, it flies out real quick, and you forget.

2:56 Jackie: So if your hearers going, what what what is that word? That's why. I know.

3:02 Jennifer: Exactly. So um you lived in Palm Springs. Okay, so were you dating or dreaming about getting married?

3:09 Jackie: I was dating. Dating at that time. Mine is a is is a interesting story. I had been split up for a year by the time I was 25. From boyfriend I had had since high at the end of high school. And we had broken up because I felt like we were playing house.

3:26 Jennifer: Right.

3:27 Jackie: And I was getting serious at my job, so I we went separate ways. So I was gonna start dating, but no one's serious because I work so much. Okay. So I you know, do that. And yeah, about that time at 25. The uh ex came back and begged me to marry him and he missed me and was gonna be my king and do everything for me and be different, and I gave in. Well, there you go. So by the end of my 25, I was getting married.

3:53 Jennifer: You were getting married. Yeah. So it didn't take long for you guys to get married. Just remember, just reminder everybody that we were not friends during this time of period of our lives. We had lost contact. Yeah. Right, exactly. So this is news to me too, FYI.

4:07 Jackie: I don't think we've really discussed that since we've been back together.

4:09 Jennifer: No.

4:09 Jackie: There's no reason we don't really talk about him.

4:12 Jennifer: Yes. Right? He's not one of my favorite subjects.

4:14 Jackie: It's all good.

4:15 Jennifer: And I'm not one of his either. Just to be clear on that one. Um, so that's about so did you get married at 25?

4:20 Jackie: Yep, I got married at the end of November. I we got back together in June and we're married by November.

4:26 Jennifer: Wow, that was fast.

4:28 Jackie: Believe me, I had a few uh guys that were a little surprised.

4:32 Jennifer: Because you were dating.

4:33 Jackie: Okay, that's I was 25.

4:35 Jennifer: Well, you should be dating. That's exactly what you need to be doing at 20.

4:38 Jackie: Since high school until we broke up at like I was 24. 23, 24, right in there. Right. And so I dated that time, and then all of a sudden, yeah. Then you got married. Then I got married. It's not a love story. Like he like he got down and just trying to think. Well, he begged for you back, so that's something good. Called me on the phone and then met up with me, and was not romantic. But it's all good.

5:01 Jennifer: All right. Well, that catches us up to where Jackie was at 25. Married, working as a district manager, and doesn't have good career life, and and you decided to get married to the guy. Congratulations on that. All right. So for me, I lived in I think I lived in, I we're Californian, so I lived in California too. I think I was actually maybe living with Michelle at that point. She was my roommate. Michelle's one of our best friends, five of our best friends, one of our one of the five of our best friends.

5:32 Jennifer: So I think Shelle and I lived together. Um, and I know at 25, I literally had a when my 25th birthday came, I remember having it's the only year it's ever happened. I had like a meltdown about where my life was and I wasn't doing enough. And it hasn't happened since. So at 25 is when I had that. And at 25, I had two children. I had had a child at 18, and then I had another child when I was 21. So they were four and seven, I guess. I mean, they were they were children, they weren't babies at that point.

6:05 Jennifer: Um, and I worked at a restaurant in um Riverside, a really nice restaurant, and I was actually dating the owner of that restaurant. Okay. Yeah. So um, and I was in school. I always was in school. So I was in college. But at 25, I guess I felt like most people go to school four years. I had already been in that for four years and I hadn't gotten as far as I'd wanted to go. So I feel like it was kind of hard on myself in the 25s. I was like, you haven't done enough, you haven't gotten enough accomplished, and um really made a decision at that point that school was my priority.

6:44 Jennifer: I still worked, I always worked and and went to school and that I was gonna get my bachelor's degree, and that that was something that was super important to me that I get that done. Because I think that for me, I always felt like because I had children yen, and I had gotten married and divorced by them too, y'all. So that put that put that in the context. I had already been married and divorced by 25. So I was in no rush to get married. I'd already done that and already realized that it was uh a responsibility beyond something I was emotionally really old enough to handle.

7:17 Jennifer: I'd already had kids and a marriage on top of it. It was I think it felt for me like it was way too much responsibility at a young age. So I was not eager to be married again. I was like, that's too much responsibility, you know. And I it I'd not I'm pretty sure at 26 is when our mind actually matures to a stage where consequences of your actions become part of your you're able to realize that. So whatever you do, there's a consequence. Before 25, or before 26, I think is when it finally matures.

7:50 Jennifer: What you're doing has no consequences. You're not thinking about those consequences. We don't equate the things of what we do to consequences.

7:57 Jackie: It wouldn't happen.

7:58 Jennifer: You've had two children.

7:59 Jackie: So you can say that's it everybody at 26.

8:02 Jennifer: No, but that's like scientifically at 26 is when cons when consequences come into our our mind develops that part of our brain that we are. It's scientific that actually that happens. I've watched a lot of yeah, watched a lot of Dr. Phil. Yeah. So I know Dr. Phil. Some of you young ones might not know who Dr. Phil is. Yeah, that's true. Well, you Gen Xers will. But um, yeah, so I think what I just was coming into my own, like, who am I gonna be? I've already been married and divorced, which isn't a badge of honor at that age.

8:34 Jennifer: Had two kids that I was toting around. Um, you know, I w I I know for sure that I wanted to be a better role model for my children. I wanted them to go to college, and I knew if I went to college, they would go to college. Or I would have a better, uh, I would have a better chance of them going, like I wanted them to go. Because I didn't get to go. It wasn't like we graduated and went off to school. You and I have talked about that too. Like we nobody wasn't even in our, I don't know, it just felt like only people that were well to-do or whatever would go off to school.

9:04 Jennifer: We wouldn't really have that opportunity. Yeah, we just wanted to get yeah, on our own. But we don't I don't think we ever really like said, oh, we're gonna go to college. It wasn't like our parents were like, hey, you're gonna go to college. Like, I don't think anybody said it to go to college all on my own. I don't think my parents even even questioned what I was gonna do. Right. They didn't say you should go to college.

9:21 Jackie: No, no, no, no, they think back, huh?

9:23 Jennifer: Yeah. A little direction would have yeah, a little direction would have been good. I don't think anybody said you two should go to college. And that may be why we never went to school. Because we never did really go to high school either. We were out It's coming out. We were ditching school a lot and hanging out and But we did get good grades. I guess so.

9:41 Jackie: I brought out my cred cred or my report card to my kids one time. We were up in Missouri and they had the report cards, and my kids were like, Wait, mom, you were really smart. I didn't go to school much. I did what I had to do, take those tests, and I was good. Right. Yeah. Since you got the classes you had to have. Back then you only had to have what two years of English.

10:00 Jennifer: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

10:01 Jackie: Different than it is now.

10:02 Jennifer: Interestingly, I was I got pregnant when I was a senior in high school. And so I my last part of my senior year, I was not at school. Not not because I didn't really want to go. I don't think they wanted me there. That's a they found out you're pregnant, and they push you out into the independent study. Independent study. So I said, okay, I'll go to independent study, but I am coming back to graduate. And they said, That's fine. You can walk in the graduation. We'll make an exception because technically I got moved over to a different school at that point.

10:31 Jennifer: But you can walk in the graduation. And so I had graduation was June 17th. I know this because of my son's birthday. I had my son on June 15th in the morning. And I know that I had to go to graduation practice, and I know my dad had to take me from the the hospital the morning, the next morning, the 16th, and drive me to Lake Arrowhead. Lake Arrowhead. And that afternoon I went to graduation practice, and then the next day we graduated. I was determined, and and um I definitely got that dream. I definitely that the if anybody wants to know how goal-oriented somebody can be, that was my goal, and I did it.

11:10 Jennifer: I was determined. And I was two weeks overdue by the time they actually had him. So imagine the panic setting in. I wasn't gonna get to graduate. But, anyways, at 25, I was I hadn't done enough and I was needed to do more. And I'm not really sure if that has changed much in my life. I'm always pushing myself to do the most because maybe I feel a little bit like I got behind the curveball and everything because of having kids young. And so I'm always want to make sure that I do the things that I want to do now or get to try the things I want to try, because you know, sometimes that gets taken away a little bit when you have kids young, and that I don't want to ever give that up again.

11:48 Jennifer: Like I want to have my own space to do that stuff. So that's uh why I do a lot of things that most people won't do because I'm like, I don't have the fear because I I feel like I get to do it. It's like a it's like a dream. I get to do the things I want to do now. So, anyways, 25 was a good, those were good years, just me just kind of having a meltdown, but um really pushing myself at 25 um to go forward. And like we said, we weren't really friends. There wasn't, and I'm not sure 25 when you're in those ages, it it was that much of a uh I was so busy.

12:24 Jennifer: Yeah, that's what I was saying. Yeah, we're busy, like you're building your life.

12:29 Jackie: Far too. Far away from each other, yeah. So I was just working and and traveling for work and deciding to get married, and that that was a whole nother thing. But we ran away. Well, we didn't run away. We went on a cruise that the uh family was already going on a cruise. We just kind of joined it and said, let's just get married on it. We didn't it was easy planning, really. But still, you're getting married.

12:50 Jennifer: Right. But I think then in the in the friendship world, you know, I obviously I I was with Michelle, I was living with Michelle, so Michelle was around, but it was like, I don't know if we necessarily m messed each other that much in our lives because we were building our lives. We were very busy, like you said, growing them and going into our own self and turning our life, you're turning your life into your husband and what that chapter involved. And you you need those times. I mean, those are times when that's really probably your your focus that you can be on that person, you know.

13:19 Jennifer: I'm sure you probably didn't have kids too far after that. But the baby. So that was it's a busy from twenty-five to twenty-seven, I'd say. Right.

13:26 Jackie: Crazy.

13:26 Jennifer: Right.

13:27 Jackie: But focused on the it was nothing else but and our little family we're starting.

13:32 Jennifer: Yeah. But I think that's in the just to be clear in the you're the twenties when you're doing that sort of thing. The yen twenties, of course, you want your friends around because you're partying, but then as you start kind of locking down stuff, you're gaining more into that. And that's, you know, part of being a friend. So all right. And then so the thing here we want to talk about is the top five things we wish we knew um back at 25. And I think some of this is pretty true. Uh number one is you don't you don't have to have it figured out yet.

14:00 Jennifer: That it's there's still time. It for me at 25 when I had meltdown, didn't feel like feel like there was a ton of time left. Um, I think that's a good one for me to at least touch base on is that it's really young still. Really young. There's a lot of life between at 25 years old where you feel like you that's only seven years or my reason of getting engaged too, because I'm thinking, okay, I'm 25.

14:25 Jackie: Like, okay, this man's wanting to marry me. But where am I going from here? Okay. Where I probably should have sat back and said, I don't have to do this right now.

14:33 Jennifer: Right. I have time. Right. That's a lot of societal pressure that you need to get married.

14:39 Jackie: That's whatever that was your next thing to do. Right. You worked, you or you went to college, you worked, then uh then you get married, then you start having kids, and you buy or oh sorry, first of all. Married, buy a house, have kids. Like there's this way you're supposed to do everything. So I was actually trying to do just in that order. I was supposed to do. Right. In that order. Do you feel like you're been this if I would have thought, you know, done these things. I didn't have to have figure, I didn't have to yet.

15:00 Jackie: Like my kids now. Don't, don't, don't rush it.

15:03 Jennifer: Right. Live your life a little bit. Have some of that life. I think the millennials or the children, we're we're genetics when we're raising the millennials, I guess, but is that they don't really. They feel more relaxed to not have to make those. And that's good. From a societal pressure, that's a good.

15:19 Jackie: I think since he was 25, he's been trying to say, I need to figure I need to know what I'm doing. I don't don't, you don't have to.

15:25 Jennifer: Right.

15:26 Jackie: Take your time. Right. You've got lots of time.

15:28 Jennifer: Right. So the boy side's a little bit different because the boys don't have the maternal ticking clock inside of them that's like you need to have babies before.

15:37 Jackie: No, but what I'm saying is my son felt like I should have my career right now, not where I want to be, what I want to do. Right. And I said, take you know what? Don't rush it. Don't do something you don't want to do.

15:47 Jennifer: Right.

15:47 Jackie: I mean, you don't have to get set in that yet.

15:50 Jennifer: Right.

15:50 Jackie: And I I would say about 25, he was starting to get a little stressed out.

15:54 Jennifer: Right.

15:54 Jackie: Uh but that's 29, he knows what he's doing and he's doing great.

15:57 Jennifer: Right. But that's the boy's side. That's what I'm saying. The girl's side of it, we have another added pressure to start having children. Because we're, you know, our our click our bomb is ticking, or what is it? The timer's ticking or whatever. We gotta have these kids. So um, you know, from a girl's perspective, you know.

16:14 Jackie: I know a few girls that yes, I need to start having babies.

16:17 Jennifer: I need to start babies, yeah. You've got time to don't have babies. Don't try to figure out somebody to have babies with just to have babies. Like you gotta find somebody you really start. I mean, if the person you're with at that, I would say to if I was gonna give advice to a 25-year-old, if the person you're with doesn't look feel long term, it doesn't have those tendencies, don't waste your time on that. Because if it yeah, having a babies and doing those things is what you want, then you're wasting your time.

16:43 Jennifer: You've got to go back and start dating and tell you figure it out.

16:46 Jackie: Someone the person that there's a like a shit in the back of your mind, right? And you're just trying to make it work. Don't do it.

16:54 Jennifer: Right. Don't do it. We're telling you, don't do it. I didn't have that problem at 25 because I'd already been married. So, you know, I'd already had that conversation with myself a long time ago. But um, yeah, you don't have to have it all figured out and don't feel like you need to. There's plenty of time to 25 is judg still, even though it feels old when you're there. We're we've just been telling you that. Now looking back at it, it's not that old. Now that we're 55, no. Not all at all.

17:22 Jackie: Okay. Say no more.

17:24 Jennifer: Say no. Oh, say no.

17:26 Jackie: Two people to pressure into plans.

17:29 Jennifer: That's true. That is a lot of the pleasing years where you maybe put yourself in positions where you don't want to do things that um I still do it at 55.

17:39 Jackie: Do you? Yes, you know I do.

17:40 Jennifer: I know you do.

17:41 Jackie: I have a hard time saying no, but I'm learning.

17:44 Jennifer: I know. I am sometimes you have to for your own mental health to say no or just say, like, that's not something I want to spend my time doing. I think when you get what you when you get to our age, it it's easier to define what you want to spend time doing than what you don't want to spend time doing. I think at 25 you still really don't maybe even have deciding things that you really don't like to do. Like you're like, oh, I didn't like it last time, but I could do it, I could do it again, and let me see.

18:07 Jennifer: Maybe I like it this time. Like by 55, we're like, no, I don't like doing that. Not snowboarding anymore. Remember the time you did the um, was it slip and slide?

18:17 Jackie: Oh, jeez. Don't slip and slide. Yeah. And I shouldn't have because I couldn't even get out of bed the next. This that was my 40s. Yeah. My late 40s. Right. So we did a large slip and slide with our children and friends, and uh I couldn't go to work for two days after that because I had to roll myself out of bed because my ribs and everything. So yeah, I won't be doing the slip and slides.

18:40 Jennifer: Exactly. So say no. Say more those things.

18:43 Jackie: I should have said no, but I did it. That's in my 40s. See, people, you're not yeah, exactly.

18:47 Jennifer: You have to learn to say no. To people under pressure, for sure, for pressure. Don't feel like you have to do things. So these are things that we would tell you to do now as 55-year-olds, that these are things to think about. The next one is your body is not a project, it's your partner. Like you need your body to function and it does its functioning and treat it kindly and feed it well and exercise it, but not obsessively. It's, you know, and we girls fight that so much. I know in our generation, your weight was always an issue.

19:18 Jennifer: We carry that forward into our adult life. It's not something we're going to um, it's like we're not gonna lose it. I hope generations below us have better time with that. There was a lot of pressure just to be thin in the in the 80s. You had to be thin.

19:32 Jackie: In the 80s, remember jazz or size. That was all about exercise and being as thin as possible.

19:38 Jennifer: Thin as possible.

19:40 Jackie: I was. I look back now.

19:42 Jennifer: Oh I think for the meat's good. Yeah, you were real thin. You were like 100 pounds. Um I was number 100 pounds, but um, yeah, now you you girls get a little more cur curvaceo, which is great. We didn't have that. That's good. We didn't we shouldn't have big butts and we shouldn't I guess, you know, I guess you could have big boobs. That's always been a thing.

20:02 Jackie: But yeah, that's never changed.

20:04 Jennifer: No, I don't think that's ever changed. But we couldn't have big butts, so that was not something that was widely looked upon as a good thing. So anyways, be kind to your bodies. You are needed, and as you get older, we're telling you right now that it is the kinder you're to the kinder you are to it then, the better you'll have it. You need it. So it has has a lot of issues when it gets old. Romantic lib is not the prize. Your peace is. Uh, that's a good one though. You said that's me. That's you.

20:32 Jackie: That was me.

20:34 Jennifer: You definitely didn't get peace in that relationship.

20:39 Jackie: Um I learned.

20:40 Jennifer: Yeah. You do know. You do know.

20:42 Jackie: You learned from it. I learned. I mean, I would never change it again. Always from it. And I learned a lot. I learned what I didn't want. It took me it took me a while to figure that out. Because I made my commitment. I know.

20:55 Jennifer: And he stuck to it.

20:56 Jackie: And then I finally figured out I needed peace. I needed out. Of course, it could be hard at first, but when you get there, right.

21:05 Jennifer: When you get used to it. It took you a while to get used to it. Because you weren't you weren't even used to having peace. So I think for you it took you um a long time to my mom always said to me, make peace with it and move on. Like you're just gonna have to make peace with that and move on. That's a hard it's easier said than done. But I feel like it's something that's true. Like, you can't fight everything that's ever happened to you as the worst thing on the planet. Like, my life would have been perfect if I had done this or if I had done something else.

21:36 Jennifer: And you just can't. Your life has got a purpose and you're here for something. The path you go down is the lessons you need to learn to move forward for the next part of your life. And that those lessons are part of your journey. So when you get yourself into a situation, I guess that my mom said you have to make peace with what's happened and then just let it go and move on. Like, and that's one thing my mom I always remember my mom saying to me that you know. kind of impacted me because you know it is true like you can't beat yourself up the rest of your life for something.

22:05 Jennifer: You have to go, I made a mistake and that mistake, I'll own it and I'm sorry for it and I'm gonna move on with it and not do that again. That's the key. Repeating of the the problems is the problem. But if you do better the next time then the lesson was good. In your case, it was good. You found somebody that really is gives you peace and you're so much more happier. Not happier. Yeah like you are less depressed.

22:34 Jackie: Depressed. You're not yeah I believe in myself again. Thank you. I would say when I like I talk about being the district manager. Yes I was very confident I was out there you know being told all the time how good I was that I didn't manager the year, you know that type of stuff. But then when I started staying home being a mother right like in my 28 all of a sudden and that's all I'm doing I just I kind of lost myself. Right. I didn't feel like I wasn't doing I was I mean I know I was a great mom but everything I could everything was about my kids doing it right but I kind of lost myself and I had I didn't have a support person there telling me how great I was doing.

23:13 Jackie: Right. And so I was telling myself I wasn't doing good. Right. Right. I should be doing more I feel like I should be doing more and more and then I get to that point and then I'd be anxiety, depression. I'm not then I'm tired. I'm exhausted because I'm doing too much instead of someone just telling me you're doing a great job as being I'm just stick with you know I don't have to do more. Right. I always felt like I had to do more to always more myself out.

23:34 Jennifer: So you got yourself over and over and over again. Right. And make yourself miserable really you made yourself probably miserable and you were getting confirmation to be miserable by somebody that you lived with that was like that's right, you're not doing enough and then you just put more pressure on yourself. Just a sidebar on that one that's one of the things we talked about in our last podcast is that when you have a friend, because this is about friendship, when you have a friend that really does love and support you and you're stronger together and you are each other's kind of strength, which we've said that about each other, right?

24:06 Jennifer: Especially in our younger years. And then you get with somebody who doesn't like that you have that influence on your friend the saying that you know well that person's no good because you know I like control of you more than I like when she's telling you you don't have to put up with that. You don't need to do that that person's whatever. So you know you get isolated. Would you say that that's what happened you got isolated.

24:30 Jackie: Definitely so you got and I and I let it happen. I I did I don't put all the blame on my partner sure partner. Right. I I let it happen because I was a competent independent person before that. Right. And for some reason I when I became a mom and I think it's part of it being a mom. Sure. And then you know just you're just focused on those kids you just forget about yourself.

24:50 Jennifer: Right.

24:50 Jackie: Right or or your voice. Have a voice.

24:53 Jennifer: Right because you were also a stay-at-home mom so you didn't have any income coming in.

24:57 Jackie: I did if I did something something I wanted to do and he didn't like it I would do it separately. Right. It was wasn't part of it. If I want to do something with my family that he didn't want to do something with I would do it separately.

25:07 Jennifer: Right.

25:07 Jackie: It wasn't it wasn't a family work.

25:09 Jennifer: Right.

25:10 Jackie: Or it should be right. It should be you'd be doing those things together.

25:13 Jennifer: Right. And you are completely family oriented to the max. So I'm sure that was hard on you that you're living two separate kind of lives simultaneously in the same household. So that's got to be rough. So but yeah you don't I think you can lose yourself a little bit when you when you have children and then you're dependent on somebody and I'll even say I was a little dependent on my first husband too for a while when I was having children a little bit because I couldn't work but as soon as I could I got back to work because I don't like that feeling.

25:40 Jennifer: I will not let somebody be in control of my life maybe because I lost control of my life at a young age and I was a young mother and I there's no choice but to do that. But um like I don't think I would ever just feel I would never feel satisfied just being a mom. I'm I know that people would say oh my God I can't believe you said that but that's the truth of the matter is that I am an independent person with my own thoughts and just being a mother is just it's not enough to fulfill what I would want to, you know so I enjoyed doing it.

26:12 Jackie: Yes. I gave my hundred percent and I would say that but I wasn't getting any um support support on it. Yeah. I just felt like I wasn't doing enough.

26:20 Jennifer: Right. I never felt that from right and there's probably a lot of moms in in your world that that you know are working too or doing whatever so you were a little more isolated with that too. There's not a ton of stay-home moms just like you doing the same thing to compare yourself to, right? Right. Yeah so at 25, 27. Right, right. Okay. And then the last one is friendships will change the real ones will evolve with you. And that is the truth. Mm-hmm. Yep. They will change and like we said the the years where you're raising your kids and they're young and stuff and you feel like you've dropped off and some of your friends have dropped off from you that's pretty normal.

26:55 Jennifer: They're doing their own thing too and they have their own children and they're, you know, doing that part of your life. But we will tell you it ends there will be a time when those children will get raised and uh they're busy doing they're busy start getting your time back and Yeah and then and that's what the beauty of the friendships are is that these women are you know still your friends and you're still close to them and that then you lean real heavy on them. You know, the getting older with friends you go back to your friends and be like hey what are you doing?

27:24 Jennifer: Because these kids of mine that I've spent my entire life devoted to don't have time anymore for me. They've got their own lives and so you know and that's what we raise them to do. We did. We did that you raise them to do something and then they do it and it feels like it feels like it's too as a double edged sword. You're so happy it happened and then you're sad it's gone. I don't know. It's a weird concept but this happens for them. So advice we'd give but might not have taken you know the the stuff 24 year old 24 25 year old us would have rolled our eyes out.

27:56 Jackie: Oh my goodness. I've been thinking about that probably a lot I didn't want advice.

28:01 Jennifer: Yeah I don't like advice. We've already talked about that.

28:03 Jackie: I know I take advice now I'm good with it. I don't think advice but I said 25 year old me would have never listened to anybody I was gonna do whatever I was going to do.

28:11 Jennifer: I agree. And especially like my parents told me what I should oh yeah my parents you know you got your own issues why you gotta do with mine. Now just to be I know but I'm sure that's like our kids do the same mom and dad and not but I'm sure that's what our kids do too is like we shouldn't be doing that. I was like well look what you did. Well yeah but that's what I learned. I learned so I'm telling you not to do that. And they're like rolling their eyes. I think the 25 year old self would have been I gotta do it the way I want to do it.

28:39 Jennifer: And I did have to do it. For me I had to do it the way I wanted to do it because I wanted to convince I wanted to see if I could or couldn't do something. And if I couldn't I'm okay with it. But at least I tried at least I didn't not do it in that you know that's how I feel with that stuff. Yeah I'll try it. I'm ballsy that way.

28:58 Jackie: Yes you are I'm just along for the ride.

29:00 Jennifer: That's right. Like we're podcasting now why wouldn't we want to trade places with her now? Why would we not want to go back to 25?

29:10 Jackie: I know why it was just so naive yeah I just knew everything I thought I yes I would fight with you to be in I knew what I was doing. All right but I was so naive.

29:20 Jennifer: Right. Would you want and could to go back let's if you could go back imagine being back to the 25 year old when you get to be older you realize at 25 you really didn't know a lot. You didn't have it figured out you didn't understand everything. You really didn't even know what being a mother was about it looked like a fun job probably to a lot of people that you would have kids and that would just be perfect and they would behave and you realize that when you have children that does not that's not at all how that goes like they have their own minds and their own personalities and you can't raise one child like the other child.

29:49 Jennifer: Like there's so many things about parenting that that teaches that humbles you right that humbles you. So I wouldn't if I went back to to that part of my life now and I knew what I know now well she'd be a badass.

30:02 Jackie: Oh yeah if you could take back what we know now.

30:04 Jennifer: If we could go back with what we know now to 25 years old imagine what that would look I know. Can you imagine? So you don't know uh forgive yourselves at 25 years old for not knowing it you'll know later why you went through those things and they were important lessons but they will come to clarity later not necessarily not even next year they'll come in clarity as time goes on that these lessons. So living your life and and trying to figure it all out at 25 years old is not necessary and be kind yourself is kind of what we're getting at and um where we were at so that you have some perspective on that.

30:40 Jackie: What would 25 year old you be shocked to know about your life now?

30:45 Jennifer: My 25 year old self would be shocked to know that I live in Nashville Tennessee I promise you that I would ever leave California the state of California I had left when I was younger when I got married the first time I left and I when I returned I was like I'm never leaving again this is my home this is my state so my 24 year old self would be quite shocked to know that I actually moved to the other side of the country.

31:08 Jackie: My 25 year old self would have been shocked that I got a divorce because I I I I I you know I have a grandparent that were married forever. My grandfather passed away my parents have been married forever right my parents are what what am I 55? So they've been they're going on their 56th wedding anniversary right yes because yeah they got married right yeah yes so anyway so 56 years so I was when I got married I was gonna be married forever. Right wasn't so yes that that would totally surprise my 25 year old you're like there's no way I'm ever gonna divorce and I did I I I put up a good fight.

31:47 Jackie: I did what I could I did you did. I I you stayed in it way too long. But I went through you know go with seeking therapist I did everything I wanted my boys to know and they know they know that I did everything I could I think your boys are probably much happier that you are in the place you're at now.

32:02 Jennifer: Yes definitely I don't think that we yeah I don't think people realize that because I was a you were from a family that was always married I was from a family by the time I 12 by the time I was like 13 I lived through two divorces in just my household. My my parents got divorced when I was like three second one was at like 12. Probably the 12 one was more impactful on me because I was aware of it. At three I wasn't really aware of it. But I'd been through two divorces had two separate parents two separate grand you know holidays like all of that had been part of my normal thing.

32:30 Jennifer: So for me to get divorced wasn't the biggest shock on the planet because we didn't have that I didn't have that my grandparents had all been married a long time but I didn't have that in my immediate world that you know when you come from divorce I think you're much more realistic about well if you're not happy then why are you staying? It's pointless.

32:47 Jackie: I mean my boys are probably happy for me this is gonna tear me up. Sure. But you so you figure my boys were in third and third and fifth grade and this happened. My son wrote a um he had to write about someone he was proud of at the end of fifth grade. Right. And this is after I've left we've I've moved my children to another spot in the mountains where we both grew up their father did too but he stayed in Palm Springs and he has new teachers, new friends and everything and they had to write about who they're proud of and the teacher took me over and said you need to see what your son wrote and she knew about the situation when you from the mountaintop started upset.

33:20 Jackie: I know I'm gonna cry too much tells you how proud and how they knew the best decision I made. Right because he wrote how proud he was because his mommy was happy now. Yeah I mean I wish I had the letter for I framed it it was just everybody was like it was so beautiful. But he was like my mommy always tries to make everybody happy blah blah she was so sad for so long but she's so happy now.

33:42 Jennifer: Good and I think that's in uh I guess I'm gonna cry too because you're crying. But uh I know you can't we you can't see us but we can see each other right here.

33:52 Jackie: And the 25 year old I would have never thought but can I when I finally did it I was it was the thing to do.

33:58 Jennifer: Yes. And and from children's perspective and I want to be clear on this because I came from divorce as I said is that the burden of of of our parents um falls on us more than it does on a normal marriage marriage that in a marriage usually the mom and dad are you know worried about yourself and the children don't really get involved in that when you're from a divorce and you're the child you're much more susceptible and and feel more responsible for your parents that you know don't get me wrong he loved his dad sure just was happy like his mommy was happy.

34:31 Jennifer: Yeah he could tell the difference from when he was at the he was less stressed because he was probably worried I'm telling you you worry about the kid the kids worry about the parents in those situations much more than the kids that's parents are together and whatever.

34:46 Jackie: So he knew that figure out anyway question was too much.

34:51 Jennifer: All right so rapid fire question number two what's the one thing the 25 year old you nailed back then was my work ethic and I worked hard and I was successful what I was doing at that time.

35:01 Jackie: I was proud of myself I did she nailed what I want to do. Right. She got a district manager she nailed it.

35:07 Jennifer: So I left I left at the top that's right when I started having children and left working right the one thing I nailed that I was gonna finish that college degree that I pushed myself at that point that I nailed that that that was something that I determined to do. So I got that stuff done.

35:25 Jackie: Because I had still hard with the two kids and that's a lot of work any work that you did. Yeah that's impressive Jen. Well thank you I appreciate that until you're a 25 year old and you're a 55 year old so very impressive just so people know. No but they don't know your backstory of course okay what's one trend you secretly miss in 25 I miss the era of pre social pre-technology. Oh I'm gonna have to go with you on that one.

35:55 Jennifer: There's something so beautiful about being involved in the world where the world doesn't want to know everything going on at the exact moment it goes on and that you're that involved in all of it. You care so much about everybody thinks yeah we thought we cared about it was bad enough to care about what you know your 10 your friends you went out with thought to imagine that amplify to thousand degrees and then everybody around the world and all the different various economic levels of people that can afford this or can't afford that and you start comparing yourself like oh I have these jeans but they've got those you know that's just got to be a wretched thing to have to go through.

36:30 Jennifer: All we had to do was compete. If we were gonna compete or whatever, you know that kind of thing we only have to compete on the level of which our friends were on. So you know if you had better jeans than me then and that not that we did I'm just bringing up something it was like I just had to get a better pair of jeans like you did if that's what I wanted but it wasn't like I had to compete with no no no super big Jordan Ash guess. Bongo do you remember Bongo?

36:54 Jackie: Bongo jeans where you had different multiple colors what about those plastic shoes?

36:58 Jennifer: Oh what were those called oh those plastic the jellies?

37:01 Jackie: Yeah jellies all the different colors were for those the shirts with bows.

37:05 Jennifer: Yes oh yes or the ruffles oh yes that was like seventh grade the tuxedo shirt for the girls was the thing at some point so anyways um okay uh what advice would she give you now?

37:18 Jackie: I don't know if she was smart enough to give me advice.

37:20 Jennifer: I think so she was like my God like get some like moisturizer on your face your wrinkly and that's not me I've always been a so my husband's always said we should have stock in lotion because I use so much lotion. Well I'm just saying like my 25 year old self would have been very judgmental for like oh my god did you get old? Hold on 25 year olds you get old it will happen it's not gonna it's not the end of the world but you're not gonna keep 20 it forever.

37:49 Jackie: And we're not competing with you.

37:51 Jennifer: We're not competing with you.

37:52 Jackie: 25 year olds are 55.

37:53 Jennifer: Yeah we're like you go for it girls yeah this is your time you go have it we're good we should be proud of you yes she would be proud of you definitely 100% she'd be proud of you and so would yours she'd be proud of me she'd be like are you sure he did enough anyways that's where we're at this is our episode what we wish we would knew we would have known at 25. This is Jen and Jack.

38:17 Jackie: If this episode hit you in the pills or made you laugh way too hard we consider that a win.

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