Making Friends Later in Life Series | Episode 4 - Boundaries in Friendship | How Best Friends Stay Real Without Losing Each Other

0:00 Jennifer: Hey there, I'm Jennifer.

0:01 Jackie: And I'm Jackie.

0:02 Jennifer: And welcome to Slightly Unsupervised. We're best friends, business partners, and the chaos behind bestimony, a ceremony we created to celebrate the kind of soulmates who don't come with a marriage license.

0:10 Jackie: This podcast is all about that friendship energy, the deep stuff, the messy stuff, and the laugh-to-you snort stuff.

0:16 Jennifer: So whether you're driving, folding laundry, or hiding in your car for some peace and quiet, you're in good company.

0:20 Jackie: Let's get slightly unsupervised.

0:22 Jennifer: Welcome back, y'all. We are on episode four of Making Friends Later in Life series. This title is Boundaries Need, Boundary Needs, and Friendship Reset: How to Stay Open Without Losing Yourself. Helping Women Understand What They Actually Need from Friendship Now, Why Boundaries Feary, but they're essential, and how naming them creates safer, more sustainable connection, not distance.

0:42 Jackie: This series is all about making friends later in life, but what we've learned is that most women aren't struggling to meet people. They're struggling to stay open without getting hurt again. And a lot of that comes down to boundaries or the lack of them. Once you understand who you are, how you get energy, and what wounded you in the past, the next question becomes how do I protect myself without shutting people out? This episode is about learning how to stay connected without self-abandoning.

1:06 Jennifer: Yes. So boundaries are super hard if you haven't established them in life. It can be really tough when you jump into the friend world about who you allow next to you and how they can affect you. So boundaries are super important. Um, you learn them in relationships with your uh significant other pretty quickly. And then you have some boundaries and then, but on the friendship front, maybe we don't have as many boundaries. If you haven't had a ton of experience with it and a lot of you are just looking for friends later in life, that's what the series is about, then you may not have any boundaries.

1:40 Jennifer: You may be starting from zero. So today we're just gonna kind of talk about the boundaries and some of the reasons that you need them and how they can help you get to a place where you can really find somebody that's gonna be good for you and going to really be your friend and that you aren't self-sacrificing. Boundaries help you without self-sacrificing yourself too much about stuff. So, women, all women, I don't care what age we are, we are raised to be agreeable, to keep peace, and to avoid being too much.

2:11 Jennifer: It comes from our childhood.

2:13 Jackie: Uh Jackie, I know you and I can probably definitely I agree on the be agreeable and keep the peace, but I don't think I was really told not to be too much.

2:23 Jennifer: I was told not to be too much for sure. Really? Like, yeah, like you don't need to be quite that. You're the older though, that might be part of it. You were old, so you it wanted you to be too much because you had to take care of the other two. For me, it was like you pipe down, little girl, and do what your brother tells you to do or whatever. So be too opinionated or too much was a problem on my side, but that may be the pecking order that we were in for sure, especially when we're younger. Um and then boundaries can trigger fear, you know.

2:55 Jennifer: Shoot, if you don't have boundaries, if you if you have boundaries, then you know you can leave yourself sustainable if you don't have them to being rejected. There's this conflict, you end up being by yourself. Like you've got to come in with some boundaries, and boundaries are basically parameters of a relationship that you are willing to put up with or willing the need to have. And if they don't have those parameters, they're not for you. That's what a boundary is going to teach you is that the parameters that you need to feel safe inside of and what you'll put up with and what you won't put up with.

3:26 Jennifer: I think that's the best way to describe boundaries, don't you, John?

3:29 Jackie: Definitely. I mean, it could be somebody who's very um, you know, into their church and you might you might meet somebody that would probably be a boundary for someone. Oh, you're not into my the same church, and if it's somebody that's doing everything there, you it's probably gonna be a boundary. Yeah, that's not gonna work for me, right?

3:46 Jennifer: That's a good example because somebody who's got such a passion for something, if you don't match that passion and that's their entire thing, then the boundary's gotta be I don't wanna say that I'm gonna do something that I don't think I'm going to do, or I'm not going to change, or I'm not interested in, or whatever, to to say it's it's a boundary, is that this probably would be something that we would not click with and we would not do well. And so you've got to put a kind of a boundary on that to be like, it's not gonna be a match for us.

4:13 Jackie: Yeah, and the other side, the other side of that too, it could be the person that like the from someone who's you know into their church wants to bring this person in and make friends with them that way. Right. And so then they get the boundaries like, hey, I'm that's not what I'm my my friendship's about is to come into your church.

4:28 Jennifer: Right, right, right, right.

4:29 Jackie: There's two sides of that, you know what I mean? But that's one that I think's a good example for sure.

4:33 Jennifer: Yeah, it is a good example because it you definitely are, you know, your boundaries are pretty set. And so you either are joining in or you're not joining in. So, you know, the thing is to sort of become aware of them, what what you need, what you don't need. Certainly they change, right? Like as we get aged, as we older, they're changing. They're not the same as they used to be. Life experience jumps in there. Like it'd be hard for me to be a friend with a 20-year-old because I I know for sure me, I'd be like, what are we doing?

5:01 Jennifer: What are you doing? What's going on? Why would you go out with that guy? That's ridiculous. That's because life experience has taught me things, right? They're a learning. And so my expectation on top of their 20-year-old would come with wisdom would be like, I would have no patience for it. And so it's not a good, it's not a good fit there, right?

5:19 Jackie: Like, or why are you putting yourself in that situation? Dang it, we did that. Word like you were alive. Don't right?

5:26 Jennifer: So it's life ex life experience has to have some of that, you know. If you if you've lived through something, you have that life experience. So, and just being aware of it is is really kind of a good thing. Like, you want to you want to be in a friendship that is mutual, not one that's you know, parenting. If you got in a relationship with a 20-year-old and you're 55, I don't know anything more than we're just parenting them. Like, what are you doing? What are we doing here? Like, you know, and sometimes people need that, right?

5:53 Jennifer: Some people are like looking for that. Maybe they didn't get parenting, so they're that's something that would work for them. If that's what's like in couples, yeah.

5:59 Jackie: There's you have, you know, 55-year-old, either man or woman, and then the opposite, and they have a 20s, early 20s uh partner.

6:08 Jennifer: Yeah.

6:08 Jackie: I just I in my head, I I don't know how that works.

6:12 Jennifer: I know.

6:13 Jackie: Is it just a fun killing time because you're in two different parts of your life?

6:17 Jennifer: So women they say that women when they date older men are is kind of like a fathery thing or something, and uh I don't know about the men that are looking at the older women, maybe they're looking for mothers. I don't know. I don't sugar mama Yeah, sugar mama.

6:30 Jackie: I always think it was a sugar mama for the boys, but that's because I have boys, everybody.

6:34 Jennifer: I'm not like you know Yeah, I have boys too, so I understand what you're saying. So okay, so common later life friendships need consistency over intensity. I agree. Let's not jump into a super, you know, you're just kind of feeling things out. Um they need to be emotionally safe for sure. You need to be able to feel emotionally vulnerable to somebody. And if it they're not a safe person, I don't know, don't waste your time is my my advice to you. Advice. Yeah. Um, mutual effort, you gotta have both, man.

7:05 Jennifer: You're doing all the legwork and you're, you know, doing the tap dancing all day long, and the other one's just staring there watching you. They don't join in. They're like, let me take over for a minute. You gotta get out of those girls. That's not a good friendship, please. Low drama, of course, and respect for time and energy. So less chaos doesn't mean you're boring, it just means you're kind of self-aware.

7:26 Jackie: I mean, we say low drama, but I mean, I mean, there's some friends that I think they like drama, so we're not saying that that's like a gonna break it.

7:36 Jennifer: If you can find someone who likes your kind of drama and enjoys it, absolutely you can commit you can make a whole friendship probably on drama.

7:43 Jackie: I mean, you could I know a couple people that are that way and they're good friends. It's like, okay, you go over there, stay over there. I'm gonna stay on my low drama mama's side, and you stay on your high drama mama's side.

7:54 SPEAKER_04: We'll meet up in the middle once in a while and we'll separate.

7:57 Jennifer: Correction, y'all. Drama is your thing and it it feeds on you, and you you guys are into it, then you go. Go for it. Yeah.

8:05 Jackie: Yep.

8:06 Jennifer: So um boundaries are not walls. So just remember that. But you got to find some boundaries. You can't just jump in and be like, what do you need for me? I'll be everything you need. You need to come up with some of your own stuff. And this is why this series is going on. We're trying to help you kind of create some boundaries, some things that will make you feel good because boundaries will keep you safe, but it will also keep you looking for the right person. No boundaries, everybody's acceptable, right?

8:31 Jennifer: So you got to have some boundaries, right? So, I mean, I think, you know, the classic example, I'm just gonna bring it back into this, is that your very first boyfriend, you probably had no boundaries in life because you just were like, everything's great. Well, it's great, it's perfect, everything's good. And then your second relationship, you're like, no, no, no, we're not doing any of that because you've learned. And this is what we're talking about. Learn from them and then put some boundaries around stuff so that you feel comfortable or that you feel safe and that you're gonna these friendships actually have a chance to make it, that you have some good boundaries around what you're looking for.

9:03 Jennifer: So you don't need to explain them, you just know them. You are sort of doing an interview when you're hanging out with people about what they are like too and their boundaries and your boundaries, and you can kind of make a assumption if the two things will come together, but don't get into a place that you are doing all the work. Please don't do that. It's not a good place to be. You can't be a one-sided friend. It's got to be a mutual experience for you if you really want to have it. And if you're one of those people that has a hard time making friends, you gotta go back and look at the friendships you had and re-evaluate what happened to those.

9:40 Jennifer: There's a lot of lessons in that. A lot of tells you about who you are. Don't you think, Jackie? Like if you look back on your friendships from the ones that uh you were younger to now, that if the ones that failed, let's just talk about the ones that failed, there was a lesson in in all of them, wasn't there? Oh, definitely. Yeah.

9:57 Jackie: Oh, definitely.

9:58 Jennifer: If you talk about something that happened, like a friendship that you had for a long time and then it ended, and then you go back and reflect on it, you certainly can pick out the places where you you did the things wrong that caused that and how they behaved and how they caused that. And all you could do is learn from it and create a boundary with it. I won't be doing that again because that doesn't that's not a formula of success to some degree, don't you think?

10:23 Jackie: Definitely. Okay. And and I've even had those situations where they've tried to come back and be, you know, they try to reach out, reach out, and I'm like, I'm just done because I gave you so many chances that I know you're not you haven't changed. I know you. And there's just there's no way, and I'm not getting myself put in that back situation or you know, of what we had and bring myself down. It's just not worth it. It's like, okay, thank you. Nice for you to reach out. I hope you're doing well.

10:48 Jackie: Bye-bye.

10:48 Jennifer: Right, right. And I think that that you've learned that though. Like if you're really good about being aware, you can almost pick out their boundaries as you start going through it. Like Jackie and I were just friends this week and I called you and I was like, hey, do you want to, you know, go do the bar tomorrow night or this week? And you're like, nah, it's not really my thing, is the the line of which you need to pay attention to. If I asked you to do something and you didn't want to do it and you were like, it's not really my thing, then you would know that there's the boundary there.

11:18 Jennifer: Like she's good for going and hanging out and maybe doing, maybe we want to go, you know, let's go walk market night.

11:24 Jackie: Yes.

11:24 Jennifer: Yeah, something like that. But the boundary is that she's probably not going to be a friend for bar hopping. Going to the club. Yeah. And it's okay. That's her boundary. Like you either accept or you don't accept it. If you are looking for somebody to club hop with, then you're gonna probably have to move on. But they're telling you as you're getting to know them, all of their little boundaries that they have and the things they like to do or not like to do. And it's up to you to discern the fact that some of these things they mean and some of these things work for you, and some of these things don't work for you.

11:53 Jennifer: So you're getting clues all the way through. And as you're getting clues, you're deciding at that point where's my boundary line and where where do we meet and how are we gonna, you know, coexist together. So boundaries are important. You gotta learn them, you gotta be good at keeping them, and you have to be good at listening to somebody else's boundaries too. This is not all one-sided, y'all. Like respect other people's boundaries because other people will tell you what their boundaries are, and you have to pay attention to that as well.

12:20 Jennifer: So, all right, so there's a little test on this whole thing. This is for you to reflect on. So, this exercises my friendship needs and boundaries. So, first thing we're gonna do, and Jackie, I want you to think of the things that if you were looking into a new friendship. I know we're already we we're friends, so we got a lot of this stuff is already ours, but if we were looking for new friendships, name three things you would need from a friendship now.

12:43 Jackie: Honesty, put me on the spot.

12:45 Jennifer: I know.

12:46 Jackie: Um, what I need from it. I guess also like fun, you know.

12:51 SPEAKER_01: Yeah.

12:52 Jackie: And consistency.

12:54 SPEAKER_01: Okay.

12:54 Jackie: I like those three things. I like those things. I do too. I'm sure yours is different though.

12:58 Jennifer: From a friendship now, I would need somebody who's fun. I would, you know, I have consistency and support on a lot of levels, but that would be somebody who's fun, somebody who is adventurous for me. I would require that. Like, you gotta be able to want to go do something that's not out of out of the realm. We can't just do all these like super normal things, like let's have some fun.

13:20 SPEAKER_01: And then um the final thing for me would be you have to love animals. I mean, there's one right there.

13:29 SPEAKER_04: Yeah, they're right there. That they were speaking for you, Jen. That's what it was. You forgot to mention us.

13:34 Jennifer: I know. I am such a animal lover that if you don't like animals, that's a boundary for me. Like, ooh, I don't think we're gonna be able to get along. Okay, so you're next, Jackie.

13:45 Jackie: One boundary uh you struggle to hold.

13:48 Jennifer: Me? I guess I could be a little overbearing. I could be giving a lot to an emotional person quite a bit and not expect anything in return. So I gotta be careful with that too, right? Because like people can emotionally lean on me for some stuff and then I don't ask for it back. And I have to be careful about who I do that for because it needs to be both ways. You gotta be able to be somebody's emotional support and have emotional support too. So I have to be careful with that with new people because I can be that way.

14:18 Jennifer: I'll be like, oh, I'll help take care of everything, I'll solve you all your problems. Life's I can't do that. So it's it's a hard boundary for me to struggle because my nature is to help. Um, so I've got to be careful with that. So what about you, Jack? What's your boundary?

14:29 Jackie: Mine is saying no. Saying no. Like if I don't want to do something. Right. But I need to do it. I have to, you know. So that's the one I struggle with. I think everybody knows that though.

14:40 SPEAKER_01: Yeah.

14:41 Jennifer: I don't have a struggle with no. But yeah, I get you. Like, we're not gonna do that today. So I'm getting better though.

14:48 Jackie: I am getting better.

14:49 Jennifer: No, that's good. But but we are different that way, you know what I mean? Even though we're we're best friends, we're different that way. We have different stuff. So it all depends on the person and the stuff. So, okay, I think your next shock.

15:01 Jackie: Well, the next one, one boundary, I'm ready to practice, saying no. Jackie's made no. That is just my biggest thing. I think like otherwise, I you know, everything seems to fall in line, but I'm doing that with our with our group, our best friendship group. Because I'm not looking for I mean, if somebody comes into my friendship, like they won't be in our best friend group, but like, you know, we're saying about one of our other girlfriends that we've been going camping with. We've made friends with the friends that they're with.

15:27 Jackie: So like I'm doing this Valentine's thing. Of course, I extended the invitation to them. So yeah. So I'm pretty good with, you know what I mean, with everything else. It's just the no. I feel like everything else I'm pretty good with. Right.

15:40 Jennifer: I think I would just need to practice being I need to practice being more needy or vulnerable emotionally, maybe. I don't know.

15:47 Jackie: I think you don't you don't like to act like you need anything ever.

15:51 Jennifer: Yeah. That comes from childhood. Deal with your own problems, solve your own problems. You don't have anywhere to go though, so solve them yourself. I have to get more okay with other people can help me with stuff. I think that's something that I would need to practice at. But, you know, everybody has a different upgrading, everybody has a different set of circumstances, and and that's where mine came from. And, you know, I need to work on being more vulnerable with that stuff for sure. Okay. One fear that comes up when you think about stating your needs, Jackie.

16:19 Jennifer: Your word no. What is the fear that comes up with you stating that?

16:23 Jackie: Oh, that someone will be upset with me. Disappointed. Disappointed. Like, you know, because I I get this. So I my husband works. I'm a stay-home. I'm a podcaster now. Full-time podcaster probably. And I do help Jen. I do help Jen with her business. But a lot of people, I think they get disappointed because they think I'm not doing anything. Oh, which I run this house. Yeah, I'm the CEO of this house. If you ask my husband, he gets to work hard, does very well at his work. He's gone up like tremendous in his company.

16:55 Jackie: But he says it's because he doesn't have to worry about anything at home.

16:58 SPEAKER_01: Right.

16:58 Jackie: I do everything. I take the cars to get oil changes. I go to get their tires, new tires. I do it all.

17:05 SPEAKER_01: Right.

17:06 Jackie: And that's always a really good, it always makes me feel good when he says that. And he says he wouldn't be because he has nothing he has to worry about except to do good at work.

17:14 Jennifer: Right. And that's 100%. I've been in that house. That's exactly how that goes. You know, you make deals, you make sure the laundry's done, you make sure the yard is mowed. Like all of it. Jackie's in charge mode. So um, so I guess that's the Yeah.

17:27 Jackie: So them, they all think that I have like it's also them not realizing what I need to do. So I feel like I'm disappointing them because they think I'm not doing anything. Does that make sense?

17:36 Jennifer: Well, it's the same thing that's been happening to women for many years, Jackie, is that if you're a stay-at-home mom, you're not doing anything. Like, what are you talking about? First of all, the stay-at-home mothers are the busiest women on the planet doing the most important job on the planet. And we think, oh, well, you just home.

17:56 SPEAKER_01: You stay home.

17:57 Jennifer: You deal with these children 24-7. I gotta work and you do it because it's a hard job. And women should stop making women feel bad. You should know, especially if you've had children. That's a terrible thing to do to a woman because I would not you couldn't pay me to stay home and raise my children 24-7. I can't. I wouldn't be able to do it. And I know friends that have child care businesses, they do child care. What? Why would you do that?

18:21 Jackie: What in the world? Well, I think some do it because that's the way they can stay with their kids and that's how they can afford it.

18:28 Jennifer: These people don't even have kids that age. Oh, yeah, that's different. I'm sorry. They're my age and they're watching three-year-olds. I'm like, oh my God.

18:37 Jackie: If it's your grandchildren, but if not, no, they're not destroying my house.

18:41 Jennifer: Man, God bless them, because I for sure would never do that job. I don't care what it pays, I'm not doing it. So school teachers too. They are the forefront of that. So God bless them too. But um, a fear that comes up when I think about stating my needs is vulnerability, right? I've been told to mind my own, mind my own emotions and nobody cares what you think. And for me, if I had to open up and get to a point where I said something or stated my needs or whatever, my fear would be it doesn't matter, or that, you know, go figure it out, like the same response.

19:14 Jennifer: And then you're like, yeah, I'll go figure it out. I don't why would I need to say that? That's all what I was gonna do, anyways. You know what I mean? So to be vulnerable for that would be something that would be hard on me for sure. But it's important too, you know, to be somewhat of a person that would be willing to share that stuff and not feel like you're dealing with somebody who doesn't need anything from you. So I have to be aware of that too. So boundaries are gonna feel uncomfortable at first.

19:38 Jennifer: They are. It's just one of those things where you're gonna hold a line, but people will either rise up or not follow. I have a great story for this boundary thing. I want to tell. I don't know if I've told it before. We have so many podcasts now, it's hard to know what I've said. So there was this girl that um was friends with my friend, and she was dating this really good-looking guy. If I told this one before, and, anyways, he's really good looking. I'll even give him that. He was really good looking.

20:04 Jennifer: Anyways, she he wanted her to go on a date with him. And so she said yes. So he was supposed to be there at like seven, and he comes knocking on her door at 7:30 at night, and half an hour late, no call, no, nothing. And so her mother opened the door, and her mother said to the boy, You're late, she's not going out with you. Thank you, goodbye, and closed the door, right? I have not heard this story. You haven't? Okay, so it's a great story because I tell it to like my nephews and stuff. I'm always trying to help my nephews understand respect.

20:34 Jennifer: So here's a guy that was really good looking, was used to getting whatever he wanted. If he wanted to be in half an hour late, he was half an hour late. Women just still went out with him, right? Because he's a good looking guy. Like, you got the you got the ticket to go out with me. So whether I don't have to perform anything, you know, it's you're lucky. And so she held her boundary line. She said she had her mother answer the phone, she wouldn't not go out with him. The mother closed the door and told him goodbye.

20:57 Jennifer: And she was in her room, she got undressed, she went in her pajamas, she went back to bed. So he went crazy, crazy, because she wouldn't go out with him. He kept calling her. I'm sorry, I should have called, no response. I'm sorry, you know, I should have probably texted you or done something. No res she just responded. She's like, You got your chance, it didn't work out, and now we're done. And that guy chased that girl as hard and forever trying to get her to go out with him again. And so after months of trying, like really trying, and he had his mindset on it because it was like the one thing he couldn't have, right?

21:33 Jennifer: He finally got her to go out with him again. You make damn sure he was there on time, and she ends up marrying him, and he ends up being this most devoted husband on the planet because she taught him something, right? She taught him about a boundary and a boundary she held and a boundary that he then had to respect. And she didn't give in quickly. She didn't, it took a long time for him to get her to go out. To this day, they're still married, they have children, they're, you know, a beautiful family, but.

22:00 Jennifer: He had to learn to be respectful of her. And I thought it was the greatest lesson on the planet. I was like, go, girl. Like, she did it. And she got the guy. Like, the guy, you know, I'm not saying a good looking guy is a great guy. I am not saying that at all, y'all. I'm just saying that a lot of women wanted to go out with that guy. And he he had no interest really of being anything to anybody until the one that wouldn't. She held her boundary length and she taught him a lesson. And the lesson was the lesson.

22:26 Jennifer: And it's really interesting that when you do something like that, that people can be a little off put by it. And that's a good lesson about boundaries because he was a little shocked about it and the way the behavior happened, and then reflected, and then went back and was like, okay, well, I can adjust my boundary line too, and I'll do better. And he didn't. And so um I always think of that lesson. I would tell my nephews that lessons all the time is I'm like, look, you've got to be respectful about people and their time and energy, you know.

22:56 Jennifer: So anyways, you don't need to give up your boundary lines, you just need to hold them and you need to understand them and find out what they are, you know, do some studying on them, figure out what you need. Because when you when you kind of come together with people, you need to know what you're gonna put up with and what you're not gonna put up with. And it's a good boundary lesson to come into because it can help you not get hurt or be in a relationship that you don't want to be in, a friendship find a friendship that you really would like to have.

23:23 Jennifer: So do you have anything left to say on this, Jack, before we sign off?

23:26 Jackie: On the boundary, like you were just saying that story, that can be the same way with friends too. On being late. And if you if we've talked about that before, how irritating it gets if you're the person always being late. Right. And you're the one that was always waiting, that would be a a good boundary in that way, also.

23:43 Jennifer: It was in the very beginning. She didn't put up with it and then found a boundary line. She just immediately said, I'm not putting up with that, so you can get on with your way. And yeah, 100%. Or you know, somebody who's not available for you, and you know, you just start calling them. Like it's okay to put these boundary lines out, y'all. It's it's important to do, and and they do they do can change. And some people can change, some people will just with you. They'll be like, Oh, okay, y'all can do that, and then some people won't, and that's okay too.

24:09 Jennifer: But you know, find your boundaries. You need them, they're important and they they protect you. All right, if this episode hit you the fails or made you laugh way too hard, we consider that a win.

24:17 Jackie: Be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with your ride or die.

24:20 Jennifer: And when you're ready to make your friendship official, book your bestimony at rhinestoneweddingchapel.com.

24:25 Jackie: Because the best love stories don't always come with a ring.

24:41 Song: We stick together at or die to the moon, and no amount of space could ever come between us two. Reuniting's like we never been apart, and every single time we're out of iron heart to heart.

25:09 Song: There's not enough words to describe what you made a make. The heart eggs and ups and downs and this lights have stayed right next to me. I'll bottom make you laugh to you right. Look up but everything under the definition of the best friend. It's good.

25:50 Song: And we'll keep it to the rest whatever craft it ain't hate. We're writing a story. Every day we'll keep on going every day.

26:22 Song: What you don't make a make.

27:05 Song: That says loyalty, you and me love trust that says loyalty, you and me.