Friendship Red Flags: The Ones We Ignored (and Paid For)

0:00 Jennifer: Hey there, I'm Jennifer.

0:01 Jackie: And I'm Jackie.

0:02 Jennifer: And welcome to Slightly Unsupervised. We're best friends, business partners, and the chaos behind Bestimony, a ceremony we created to celebrate the kind of soulmates who don't come with a marriage license.

0:11 Jackie: This podcast is all about that friendship energy, the deep stuff, the messy stuff, and the laugh till you start stuff.

0:15 Jennifer: So whether you're driving, folding laundry, or hiding in your car for some peace and quiet, you're in good company.

0:21 Jackie: Let's get slightly unsupervised.

0:22 Jennifer: Today's episode, we're going to talk about the friendship red flags we ignored and paid for.

0:27 Jackie: Back to Slightly Unsupervised. Today we're diving into the red flags, those warning signs we saw but didn't want to believe. Quick tease of what's coming, betrayal, ghosting, the too busy friend, and the ones who drain instead of build you up.

0:40 Jennifer: We've all been there. So red flags. Um, you know, everybody I'm sure has friends that have that dismissive behavior disguised as jokes. The little side digs that you get, like, oh, I'm just kidding. Um, and you're just staring at them going, no, you're not. I mean, I don't know if uh I don't think I think everybody has probably dealt with that. That's not something that's kind of new of aggressive behavior to me. It's like if you have a problem, say it instead of kind of making little jabs at people.

1:10 Jennifer: So I don't respond well to it. It's kind of one of those things that I might come back and be like, Did you say what what were you saying about that? So I think kind of putting people on the spot sometimes um kind of clears that up because I think once they realize that you know what they're doing, that sometimes they can I think there's exceptions, like our best friends.

1:29 Jackie: But we've known each other for so long, we know when we laugh, we laugh about the same thing over and over when we pick at each other.

1:35 Jennifer: So yeah, yeah. I don't think that's but there's like the the friends that just kind of side dig you all the time or you know, make little snide remarks or something. I've always found that if you if you actually um respond back to them and ask them, what did you say? Why would or you know, just call them on it. That it generally clears it up. I think that they it's kind of a bully behavior in some ways. Like, can I get away with it by, you know, are you one of those people I'm gonna be able to pick on a little bit and tell you, oh, I'm just kidding.

2:04 Jennifer: And so I think the best way when you get those kind of things is to just respond back to it in a very like meaningful way or nice.

2:11 Jackie: I saw something recently actually on well, media or whatever, and it said those kind of people that come at you like that and kind of make a joke, and then you actually repeat back, what is it? What did you just say? Right. Did you mean what you just said? Right. Kind of turns it back, right? And it kind of stops them from what they were saying.

2:27 Jennifer: Right. Because they're getting called out, and all of a sudden the attention do it in a nice way.

2:31 Jackie: Don't be like yep, dangry, just turn back and go, oh, what did you just did? You mean to say that?

2:35 Jennifer: Yeah, yeah.

2:36 Jackie: Yeah. I have a lot of people like to use that.

2:38 Jennifer: Right.

2:39 Jackie: You're like, that's a good one. I like these things.

2:42 Jennifer: And I do think that, yeah, it does. And I think that it's true that a bully bullies until the bully has been returned fire on, and then the bully all of a sudden loses the power.

2:53 Jackie: I think sometimes that is the true that you Yeah, because I've kind of become a person and I just let it happen, and then I just get silent. And I don't know why, because I used to not be like that. Right. It's age and maturity. So by doing this, you're not making a confrontation, you're not fighting, you're just kind of like, Hey, did you mean to say that? Right type of attitude. It's kind of like and then they have to think about it or resay it or say, Oh, never mind, you know, then they're gonna stop doing it.

3:18 Jackie: The more you call them out, they're gonna stop doing that.

3:20 Jennifer: Yeah. I think I I just was when you were saying that. I was thinking about um my brother, that my brother still does that. You know, that's just civil rivalry. But anyways, um, he sometimes says something and it's like, I heard you, I just heard what you just said, and you know, kind of calls my brother out a little bit too, sometimes, because the pattern of uh how we behave together is kind of that way. So And then there's like the friend that only shows up for the good moments when you need them and um you know when they need you, yeah.

3:47 Jackie: When they need you, then yeah, my example of this this part of it.

3:52 Jennifer: Or like if you're gonna go out and everybody's at the bar and like, oh yeah, I'll come and have a good time, but it's like, oh, do you want to just like you know, come over and hang out at the house with me because I'm lonely, or you know, something that is specific to you that you and they're like, oh no, it can't. Like those kind of friends suck. Like, that's not even a friend, that's just like uh acquaintance that you go hang out with and not somebody that you probably could count on to be like a true friend because if they can't do something for you that they really would rather not do, but will do it for you because they're the your friend.

4:22 Jennifer: That's kind of one of those reasons that you know I would say for sure the good moment peoples are probably not your true friends or the people that you stick them in your acquaintance file because those are the people that only gonna come for that, and they might be fun. I mean, I'm gonna be honest with you. Sometimes the good good time people are good time fun, they're only at the good moments choosing what they want to go to do.

4:41 Jackie: They're usually the people too that hey, you want to come? Oh, I'll let you know. I'm not sure. Right. Because they're seeing if they're gonna get a better invitation. Doesn't that make sense?

4:50 Jennifer: Totally. Yeah, and you're like, okay, okay, because you're gonna wait, and you know it.

4:54 Jackie: You're in the back of your head, you're sitting there going, okay, so better better invitation comes. I'll know. If you don't come, you're at that.

5:01 Jennifer: That's true. But and they're like I said, there's not the good time people are not always bad people, they're just there for the good time. Like their energy needs other energy. That's you know, extroverts need energy, so they wanna do that. They can be good fun, but they may be, you know, probably not real good best friend kind of thing. And then the competitive energy master's just teasing. That's you know, I hate competitiveness.

5:23 Jackie: Like I yes, I've said that before. I think in other I hate the competitive and jealousy and all that kind of stuff. Yeah.

5:32 Jackie: Yeah. I know they're just like a better feeling. Yeah. It's like they say, what is it? You you put out more energy being negative and mean than you do just being nice.

5:42 Jennifer: Being nice, yeah. Or you put out the same energy. It's it's actually like more work to be negative, yeah, than just to be like, okay, whatever. But you gotta be a little bit like again, these people that have this competitive energy, like, what do you have? What do I have? Like, as you get older too, I think at 20, it's pretty common. I'm gonna be honest with you. Everybody's kind of pulling their way up through life, and they're like, what have you got? What have I got?

6:04 Jackie: I got you know, it's like they always say that first reunion. Everybody tries to make everything look real good. You get rental cars.

6:11 Jennifer: Here's my uh Jaguar or my whatever Ferrari. And it's like, oh really, there's a sticker here that says enterprise car rental. I know competitive energy is is we're at 55, so we're giving you the 55 energy. But competitive energy for sure is happening in your 20s and 30s. As you're building up, I think a lot of people do a lot of comparison and a lot of calculations in your head. And you definitely, if you pay attention to it enough, you can definitely pick out the competitive ones because they get more interested, ask a few questions about it, like they're asking specifically to see what it is they have or what you how you got it.

6:44 Jennifer: And like, I don't know, they can be very discrediting about if you did do something well or you were successful at something, they can be definitely very competitive with you. And it you can definitely tell what's going on on some of those instances. Don't you feel like like the competitive ones? What do you have? Like, why do you care what I have? What do you have? Go do your own stuff, leave my stuff alone.

7:03 Jackie: So that was my example for this. Uh, I was uh uh it's actually a job I got. I and I met her through a thing we were doing in the mountains for uh someone who passed away. So it's a memorial type thing, raising money. And that's how I met her, and we clicked really good right away, and we stayed like mutual friends, and then she worked at the office and had come to me, sent me a message and said, Hey, I know you're not working right now. Your kids are now out and you're just kind of hanging around and Rick travels.

7:33 Jackie: Would you be interested in coming and checking out if you want to work before us? We need an office person part-time. Sure. Let me check it out. I didn't even think about it. It was like my husband was literally on a business trip. Right. I go in, get the job. So we go forward. We're having a great time hanging out. Her and her husband would come over, we go do stuff to all that. And the same kind of thing. It was like a red flag that that's why it still comes back to me. Should have been like a conversation that didn't even like I wouldn't think back to it.

8:00 Jackie: But I remember how she'd be like, I just I don't understand how you guys can't uh have so much paid off. How did you do this? Like, how do you do that? And at first I kind of took it as really because she was a little bit younger. Oh, how do you do it? And so I still doesn't make sense. How do you how did you do it? And so I kind of let that go, just kind of told her how we do things. We pay everything off. We don't and we try not to leave above our means, right? You know, we don't want to keep up with the Joneses, we do what we do.

8:26 Jackie: I mean, there's people that make way more than we do and better off, but that's what we do. I don't know how that it was a conversation, I think because the cars we were talking about something, and I think, oh, because our cars are paid off or something. And she's like, Oh, how do you have both your cars paid off? That type of thing. That's how it got in the conversation because it was like, we don't want to get new cars, they were because they were talking about getting anything. Oh, I didn't carry you.

8:48 Jackie: And then um there was another time, so then work got going and I kept moving up. Kind of the doctor was getting me to do more stuff, and it just seemed like she'd get very like competitive with me because and then someone would be like, Oh, the office manager, and they kind of put me towards it. And she got she's not the office manager. And I was just like, Okay, what that was like who cares? Right. Right, right. And I could just tell it was starting to get like a little jealousy going. And then we had a situation where the girls come up to me and they're upset because they looked at her phone and she had it on recorder.

9:21 Jackie: We were recording them in the back. And so I played that off and I'm on girls, and it should have been another red flag. I'm like, hey, it's her insecurities, don't worry about it. It's not a big deal. No, we need to go tell the doctor this stuff. And I'm like, no, I come on, let's really think about this. We don't need to worry about it. She hasn't hurt anybody, she's not doing anything with it. So we let it go. Um, then there was just like a little more thing. You just notice the competitiveness, the different stuff.

9:46 Jackie: She just had to make sure that everybody knew she was the boss. Okay, even though nobody nobody was trying. I mean, the girls she do it with the other girls too. It wasn't just with me. And at first I noticed with the other girls, but then it started to be me too.

9:57 Jennifer: Oh, you got involved too?

9:58 Jackie: Yeah, I got involved, and then she did it again with the recording. But then I was there.

10:04 Jennifer: Oh, you got involved. So now it was personal.

10:06 Jackie: So then it was it was left on the thing, and the girls go, her phone's there, they turn it over and it's recording.

10:11 Jennifer: Wow.

10:12 Jackie: And then I'm like, she's not a friend, right? Like she's all these things, these these red flags, like I should have seen it. Right, right. So I worked there for what, three to four years, I think it was. And it was like just little things, and I just let it go, let it go, let it go, until it got to the point where the final was when she was actually like me. And the girl's like, You're gonna say something now. I said, Still, she knows we know because we literally grabbed the phone and started talking into it so that when she listened to it.

10:39 Jennifer: Oh, that's a good idea.

10:40 Jackie: Yeah, like call her on her. By the way, this is against the law. Yeah, do this.

10:44 Jennifer: Oh, that's awesome.

10:45 Jackie: Because you were supposed to be in charge. You're a boss, you're not allowed to do that without our consent.

10:50 Jennifer: Absolutely.

10:51 Jackie: So that kind of is where I drew the line on the friendship. We just worked together. There was no more talking, no more in any of that situation. Yeah, because she I did we enjoyed, like my husband said, he was bummed because he did enjoy hanging out with her husband and stuff too. Oh, and that was the other thing. Then when all this happened, all of a sudden she went home like really fast after she heard the thing, like we knew she had heard it and like locked me from her husband's Facebook and everything like that.

11:20 Jackie: Because I would make remarks on Facebook, like when I got irritated at things at work, ask her like what happened.

11:25 Song: Oh.

11:26 Jackie: And so I put onto Facebook. Do you remember that whole situation when I put, I can't believe this is against the law. Oh. But I didn't put anybody's name. I just said this, and I said, Does anybody know the laws in California? And then everybody was like, bam, bam, bam, bam, with everything on it.

11:40 Jennifer: Well, that is true though, because if she's in a it doesn't matter, you can't record anybody without their consent. That's for sure. It can't be, it's not admissible, but she could obviously do whatever with it. She's just using it for her own personal like vendetta.

11:52 Jackie: But uh but if you're in because if she would have gotten, if we would have told us, she should have been released to that position. So I had no jealousy, obviously, because I could have got her had her gone. Right, right. But it was just wow, I just finally I'm like, You've done all like all these things are saying. Yeah, yeah. And she would do the little jokes, but it was like I knew it was a stab towards the end because she was just getting like irritated. Right. And I'm like, okay, yeah. Just went wash my hands, and she knew after that point it was just like business at work, and that was it.

12:22 unknown: Yeah.

12:22 Jennifer: I think that's cool that you guys picked up the phone and said, We know you're recording us, just so you know, because that's I'm probably sure she's right listening to she thought we were talking about her. Insecurity.

12:32 Jackie: Yeah, it's just like that. It's a jealousy thing too, though.

12:34 Jennifer: Sure. You know, it's an insecure jealousy thing.

12:37 Jackie: But I mean, not this.

12:39 Jennifer: That's that's pretty hair. Yeah, that's pretty ruthless. That's pretty ruthless. So but you know, she showed you who she was, and you believed her.

12:47 Jackie: That's part of the problem with all of us is that her red flags, like I would say kind of pretty close when I start, but I just kept letting things go. Oh well, that's her. Right. Young. Right. Make excuses for her. Right. But she was a mother and been doing what she was doing for a while. So I was kinda, you know, I I give I give too many too much grace.

13:07 Jennifer: Yep. Yeah. Anyways, the emotional vampires, um, the friends that need rescuing. There's a whole different segment there of people that just need rescuing and then they disappear when you support. I'll l take your phone calls and listen to you for two hours, and then I need to talk and you don't have time, or you don't answer the phone, or you don't have the you don't reciprocate the time back or you know, to build people up. I'm sure that you know there's a lot of people out there that don't mind taking, but they're not real good at giving.

13:34 Jackie: Yeah. I can actually mine mine is sad because I feel like I have some family that way.

13:38 Jennifer: Do you?

13:39 Jackie: Yeah, where you can't you can talk to them and they they'll call me when there's an emergency, we need you, this type of thing. But then if I call and I'm I need to vent or cry or say something, then it's just like you're being ridiculous to Right, right.

13:54 Jennifer: Which sucks because if if you want to be a good friend, I'll always say that that you've better better space in your heart to be lean on, let people lean on you a little bit. You know, we talk about that exchange of strength between you and I. Sometimes that's like when you're high, when you're in a good place and I'm in a bad place and I borrow your strength. And then when you're in a bad place and I'm in a good place, you borrow my strength. That we share that strength. That, you know, don't get us on two good strong days because you might get it.

14:21 Jennifer: But that's part of the thing, like, you know, reciprocate that. If if I need rescuing, you better come rescue me and not disappear when I need support. And and you're listening to this, everybody I'm sure can think of those people that have come in your life because they're I don't know if they don't maybe they don't know how to be a good friend. I'm not really sure why they don't think that they need to reciprocate that, but it being a good friend is being available for other people and their problems.

14:43 Jennifer: And even if you I will say this as a friend, I always get to call because people call and share their problems with me, because I will listen and just let them vent. It's not a let me solve it. It's like agree with you and see your points and validate your feelings, and then most of the time you will go on and fix your own problems and do your own things. But people need someone to listen to them. Like, this matters to me. Can you listen to me? And like, yeah, I'll listen to you.

15:09 Jackie: Well, it's funny that I'm really good with that. I think I'm good with that with I think we're all good with that with our our five friends. Yes. But but I think like I'm good with that with my kids too. Right. And I think I learned from that because I I know they need a vet. It might be about my ex or it might be about family or something, but I know they're gonna be okay. Right. So I just said about each other. It can be about but I I'm really, really good at that listening. I I in my 20s, I could have done that.

15:36 Jennifer: That bet you know, come after them. Yeah, I think by the maturity for sure, you get better at that. But if you are called out, if you've been to friends called out and said, Well, I when I need you, you're never around. You've got to check yourself a little bit on that because it is noticeable when somebody's always available for you and you're not available for them that you won't probably maintain a long-term friendship with somebody if you're if you're that kind of way. And then talking about the emotional label or label labor that you put into this and then just always being over somebody and burns you burns you out from even wanting to deal with it, you know.

16:08 Jennifer: If you are just calling me every day with your problems, I mean, if it was just you and I and you called me every day with your problems and I'd listen to you for hours and hours and hours, and eventually you burn somebody out. So you've got to be gotta be selective as well. Call when there's a problem, but don't call it for every little thing. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, you gotta be the emotional vampires of the world, they they know who they are. They can definitely suck the wind out of you pretty quickly.

16:33 Jennifer: And you know, I'm a I'm an empath, I've said it, I'm gonna say it again, and I will listen to people's stories because I think that people need to tell stories, and I've been in positions where I've needed to vent and tell people my stories for long periods of time. So I always want to give back to that. But um, I have friends that need that more, and I have friends that, you know, when I know when I want to return to something and I need some support, get kind of a cold shoulder or don't have time, or you'll be fine, or you know, whatever.

17:01 Jennifer: Those are not that doesn't make somebody feel seen, heard, or valued. And if you're not seen, heard, or valued by your friend, you don't have what I would consider a best friend there. You have a one-sided relationship that primarily revolves around the other person. And that's not really I would I would call that a big, huge red flag in friendship that if you are the one doing everything and emotionally available and never get anything in return, that you probably are not what I would that is not considered a best friendship.

17:31 Jennifer: That's a one-sided, that's a one-sided event. And be careful with those ones.

17:35 Jackie: Right. And the friends that we knew but stayed anyway. The ones that we ignored, the signs, nostalgia, the guilt, the fear of confrontation, possibly. Uh, but we've been friends, or you made an excuse uh that you've been friends since yeah, your kids or whatever, yeah. Um the cost of holding on too long, letting go with grace versus cutting ties with clarity. Um, and I do have someone in my life that that was I did do that. And I even had people telling me I was doing that.

18:01 Jennifer: Right.

18:02 Jackie: Um, and I still stayed with it. And it was and and But why did you it was guilt? Guilt because I'd had another person since I was in elementary school. And and I mean, there was times, you know, when you're growing through elementary, junior, and high, you go, you get your other friends. Yeah. Still always stayed friends. I always stayed friends pretty much with everything. She was right there, wanted to help, wanted to take care of everything. But then it was I knew she was kind of beating me down.

18:29 Jackie: She was kind of joining, she liked to help me because it made her feel better for what's going on with her life. Does that make sense?

18:35 Jennifer: So she was helping you to distract from what was going on in her own life. In her own life. So her life wasn't all that great, I don't think. And so helping you was like a distraction.

18:44 Jackie: And so when I did finally start noticing things, I could tell I was it wasn't a good friendship. Uh, my excuse always was, but I she was there for my divorce. Uh I've known her since we're in elementary school. Um, you know, and then I'd also kind of be like, Oh, I kind of feel like I'm here for her because of her situation that she put blinders on. I'd be like, she'd find out a situation maybe with her husband, and I'd just say, Well, oh, was that right? Do you think that's right?

19:11 Jennifer: Right. Try to like later in it. Yeah.

19:13 Jackie: And she'd say, Oh, well, no, he told me this. Okay. And I try to pull it out of her, but I never had that confrontation with them to say that I knew. Right. I was like between them. I didn't know.

19:24 Jennifer: Yeah, because marriages, you gotta be careful with that too. Like, you can't be digging into marriage. It's one thing if somebody's dating somebody, you'd be like, I heard some stuff on so and so, but the marriage part of it's a little more complicated. You gotta walk that one.

19:36 Jackie: I I knew certain things. I felt like I was there for her too in a way because I knew everybody else knew what was going on. Making fun of her, I'm trying to be her friend. Right. And it just got and then it finally got to a point that I just realized that this is not a good person for me. This person is actually not like a good friend, making me tearing me down like what I got away from from my ex.

19:58 Jennifer: Right. Who tore you down too tore me down? So she just continued that behavior.

20:02 Jackie: So I wasn't getting better. This was one reason because I had a friend that was doing the same thing that the person that I went needed to get away from. Right. So when I finally got strong enough, I'm like, okay, this can go now. Right. I don't need this. And I actually don't need to deal with their situation. That was actually hurting me more than I thought. I was helping them.

20:23 Jennifer: Oh, I see.

20:24 Jackie: Because it's making me hurt, thinking of what's I know what's going on.

20:28 Jennifer: But not just that, is that you have to then carry all that pain around. So not having to deal with it is like that's another stress on me that I didn't need. That you needed that, especially at that time, right?

20:36 Jackie: But my I always had those excuses. Exactly. Been friends for this, she's been here for this and that.

20:41 Jennifer: Especially, Jack, because when you got out of that first marriage, too, I know we talk about a lot, but Jackie was pretty beat down and needed a lot of what you needed was building up, not tearing down. Right. Like, and if you had a true friend would have seen that and been like, okay, we got to put her back together. Like she's a mess right now.

20:58 Jackie: And when I finally did it, um, I did have one friend that kept telling me, and this is another friend that was friends with us since elementary school, also. She would kind of, you know, that's not right. She does good. And I but and I and she knows and I make these excuses, and she's like, I understand. But she tried it. She was very supportive with me too. Sure. She understood she let it go. When I did make that break, she was so proud of me doing it. My current husband. He actually was saying he saw that's also going on, good, but he didn't want to get in the middle of it because he's like, I came in, these were your friends, right?

21:28 Jackie: Not gonna tell you. And so he was he said the same thing. It was the best thing, and he saw a difference in my attitude personality from being just breaking up, yeah.

21:36 Jennifer: Because hanging on toxicity, any on anybody that's toxic for you, it can really screw up your entire world. Like whether you recognize it or don't recognize it, it affects your life. Period. Toxicity in somebody in your life is and drains your life. Is I mean, you need to start cutting ties with those kind of people pretty quickly because toxicity is toxicity.

21:58 Jackie: They that was a that was a Another one when we if you want to go back to red flags, certain things that people would tell me that she would say behind my back, like I went for an interview for this one job that she had told me about, and um for part-time because it was perfect. I could still help with the kids at school and stuff like that. And so when I after started working for this lady, she tells me how this girlfriend of mine told her because she said, Oh, so how much do you think I should start her out?

22:23 Jackie: That type of thing. She's asking her because this was another business owner, also.

22:26 Jennifer: So you're saying that she asked the friend that you were talking about what you need.

22:32 Jackie: Yeah, become an interesting job. And like, how much do you think she'll want? She's like, Oh, don't worry about it. She gets a lot of money from her ex-husband.

22:39 Jennifer: And she that's a great friend, right? And the lady told you after you started working for her that she said that.

22:44 Jackie: Um as we got closer, because I we're we we start working with someone who got closer, and she one day is like, Yeah, I just felt like I need to tell you this.

22:53 Jennifer: Oh, good. I'm glad she told you.

22:54 Jackie: And then I was like, Thank you. But then I still like I still was friends with this person at least until I find it. But you know what? I like red flags. I know it's like, what's it about? It was a red flag I should have seen. Like, I should have gone back to her and said, Why would you tell someone that? I'm still and and no, it doesn't matter what I'm getting. Mine is all about my kids.

23:15 Jennifer: Right, right.

23:16 Jackie: I'm taking care of my kids. That's all she cared about. I was a single mom at that time.

23:20 Jennifer: Right. Why would you not be supportive? I'm asking my expert in the case. Well, doesn't that doesn't that go back to the first part of it, which is the competitiveness? Like don't give her an don't do don't do anything for her because then she'll have more than we do. Or whatever. All these tie in really well together. I know. I want to say the one thing about your friend, and I know you're talking about, obviously, but the one thing that I want to say is I am proud of you too, because when you did decide to do that and turn, and I said the same thing, that girl's not your friend as you were going along.

23:47 Jennifer: But it's a good sign when you did cut that off because that's really when you started bringing your power back to yourself. That you were like, I'm gonna take value myself more than I value that I'm gonna actually do something for myself. So that was always like it was a good sign, I'm sure, for your other friend that you were talking about that was proud of you, and and I know Rick was, and I was, it's like, you're getting better. You're getting better, you're starting to stand up for yourself again.

24:11 Jackie: And that you look back, I do see those steps. Yeah, it was baby steps for me. It took me a little bit where I am now.

24:17 Jennifer: But we, you know, I think the three of us are, you know, at least I know I said I said it to you too, but that we were we were we wanted you to see it and we waited for you to see it. And then we said, okay, good, good for you. But we told you, but you know, it's your friendship and it's your life, and it's you know, we you've got to do it. But if you have friends that have that and they're in that situation, you know, just be encouraging with it and try to stick to it because sometimes people just need a little extra time to do it, but they'll get there.

24:41 Jennifer: And then once they do, then you can celebrate. Be like, good, you stood up for yourself, good for you. Like you're getting better. And that's how I felt when that happened with you. So all right. So what healthy friendships do instead, that you know, green flags are consistency, they reciprocate back to you, they they listen back to you, they give you love back. You don't just give, you don't feel like you're being drained of everything. They celebrate without comparison, like, oh, I'm so excited that you got this, you know, instead of saying, Well, I never had that, like those are just some real downers.

25:11 Jennifer: If you have to get a compliment with a down part, like, oh, I don't have any of that, like stuff just sucks. Like, be happy for somebody just to be happy for somebody. Like, that's amazing. I'm so happy you get to do that because that makes a person feel like, you know, it makes them feel good about themselves as well. And then to set boundaries, you know, that you can learn how to set boundaries. We said it many times without drama, just draw the line and be like, this is where we're gonna be, and this is where we're not gonna be.

25:36 Jennifer: So if we can stay in these boundary lines, we're we got our kids now, our grandchildren.

25:41 Jackie: And not to say that they're all drama, but they're you know, they're going through the things we went through in their ages now.

25:46 Jennifer: I know.

25:47 Jackie: So now you're living through that drama, but trying not to tell them what to do because they don't want to hear that. They just want to met. So I don't need more drama, yeah.

25:57 Jennifer: Exactly. And then the right friends don't make you question your worth, which um you know, you shouldn't question about the kind of person you are. If you've got a friend, they should be building you up and not tearing you down. So that's just a real good way to gauge if you're in a real good friendship or not.

26:11 Jackie: So these podcasts I've been like kind of to the girls like you know, Jen's so great at this. Like, she just can get off the cuff, she can just start going. And I'm sitting here like starting to cry because I'm kind of like nervous. Like it takes me forever. You hear my voice going, I don't know. And it's I get even like one of our girlfriends the other day is like, you sounded great. Okay, that's good. Don't worry about it. I don't, I I couldn't even do it myself, you know. Right, building you out.

26:39 Jackie: I'm trying so hard. Yeah, like I think if we keep going, I'll get a little better. And I bet you between the last two, I think I'm getting a little bit better. Good, good. But yeah, but that's what I mean. Our friends build us out. And it was like and I felt more like I was venting about it. I I wasn't expecting that text back. Right. Saying, no, you sounded great. You're doing good, don't worry about it.

26:59 Jennifer: Absolutely. And and that's what you want, right? You want we're walking into a world we don't know anything about. But we're walking, we're holding hands and we're walking. All right, rapid fire quest questions. What's what's one red flag you'll never ignore again? There's many red flags.

27:13 Jackie: I think we talked about a lot of most of them. Yeah. So I think I'll say one red flag.

27:18 Jennifer: More than one. Yeah, one red flag is just the if you're not gonna be available for me and and I'm available for you, and you know, it's just not it's probably gonna be that'll be the end of that. It's like, you know, I'll put you in your place of my world, which is if I have the time, I can listen to you, but not really available for all that because I really don't if you're not gonna be the same kind of person back to me, then we're really probably not gonna be like close friends. So you're gonna have to find somebody else to dump on.

27:45 Jennifer: Because that's really what it is. People dump on you, and then you're like, you know, I could take it pretty well. But my red flag is if if you're not gonna do the same thing or you're not gonna be available for the same thing, that's really no further there's no real reason for us to continue on.

27:57 Jackie: Okay, and the next one. Have you ever ghosted someone because of toxic toxic energy?

28:02 Jennifer: Like ghosting forever.

28:04 Jackie: No one can deny that.

28:05 Jennifer: Sure. And if you're getting ghosted, if you feel like, why am I always getting ghosted? I might you might check out your toxic energy.

28:13 Jackie: Look in the mirror for a second. Yeah. Talk to yourself.

28:16 Jennifer: If you're one of those people that says, all my friends bail on me, nobody wants to be my friend, you do some self-reflection. Like get into a mirror and you are you the kind of friend that you need, or you the kind of friend that you would want? Because if you if you're getting ghosted by everybody, you probably have some sort of toxic energy. And you can clean that up. You can go to therapy, you can figure that out, and you need to because it's a problem that you're carrying around that you may not be aware of.

28:39 Jennifer: So uh I invite you to go figure out if if it is you. If it's always you that's getting ghosted, it's you. So go go go find some seek some help so that you can feel better. It'll make you feel better as well that you've put some some energy into figuring out what you're doing there. So and then which friend brings you peace instead of chaos?

28:57 Jackie: I would on you on with me, it's you four.

29:00 Jennifer: Yeah.

29:00 Jackie: I c like we were saying, you came for one night in December. Yeah. And I mean, there was just it was just a pee. Like we just all sat there and laughed. There's nothing right negative.

29:11 Jennifer: Right.

29:12 Jackie: There's no chaos. We did nothing.

29:14 Jennifer: Right. We just went to your house.

29:15 Jackie: We sat and talked, had dinner.

29:17 Jennifer: Right.

29:17 Jackie: That was it. And we even made it easy. We got Rosa Maria burritos.

29:22 Jennifer: Little plug for Rosa Marina burritos.

29:24 Jackie: They're all they're out they're down inside the mountain now.

29:27 Jennifer: Yeah, so I think I I think the same thing that you know, it's just like it's a non-energy. I can just go in as me, and there's no it's not you're not worried about it. You're not worried about what's gonna happen, and you get to be so excited.

29:40 Jackie: The peace that comes over me, even knowing that we're all gonna hang out. Like say where we used to go when we lived in the mountains and we'd all just go sit at the dock all day.

29:46 Jennifer: Yeah. Although I don't like the sun. But yeah. Anyways, our final thought ignoring red flags won't make them go away. Real friends don't hurt you on repeat. So, um, anyways, thank you for watching. If this episode hit you in the feels or made you laugh way too hard, we consider that a win.

30:02 Jackie: Be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with your ride or die.

30:05 Jennifer: And when you're ready to make your friendship official, book your bestimony at rhinestonewethechapel.com.

30:10 Jackie: Because the best love stories don't always come with a ring.

30:26 Song: We stick together at our die to the moon, and no amount of space could ever come between us two. Reuniting's like we've never been apart, and every single time we're out of iron heart to heart.

31:42 Song: We write in a toy every day, look at that.